Advice on Transition to MC

Hi Tootz, it's generally advised not to tell him anything before you go—perhaps that you're going someplace for lunch, then arrive (by arrangement) just a little before lunch. Then let him know he's there for rehab, and when he asks about going home you tell him when the doctor says it's ok. If you tell him up front that you're taking him to rehab, he may refuse to go.

You can also point out to Mom that she can still spend time with him, but she will be spending time as a wife and companion instead of as a caregiver. You can point out that he will be around people more and may have more things to do (although he may still spend his time sleeping in the recliner). I would plan to take Mom to lunch afterward as well, to provide some transition and company. She will be very lonely at first even if she participates in activities in IL.

We moved my mom to MC last August. She is in early stage 6. She still knows us and is very conversational, but her short term memory is virtually nil. She can feed herself but needs help with all her ADLs. We told mom "the doctor wants you to stay at this special rehab place for a little while for some serious physical therapy". Since she loves PT, this went over pretty well. We went over this beforehand with the MC staff, so everyone would be on the same page. They assisted in the hand-off, and it went smoothly. Mom has no recollection that I was the person who took her into MC.

The first few weeks were rough, but nothing the MC staff hadn't seen before. (You can search for my posts about this for more details.) They added a mood stabilizer to her med regimen, and that helped a lot. After about 2 months, they were able to discontinue it. Whenever she asked when she could go home, we would tell her "when the doctor says it's ok - you won't be here forever". We would then change the subject to something more pleasant. I always bring my "bag of tricks" to every visit which include family pictures, magazines, and treats she likes.

It also helps to have the first few visits in the MC common areas where there are more distractions. For the first few visits, she thought it was the first time I'd ever been there, so we would walk around together, and she would give me a tour. Still the social butterfly, she loves introducing me to people. When we walked past an area with musical instruments, she pointed to the drums and said "that my favorite thing we do here". (Never in my life had I imagined my mom playing drums!) Walking past the piano, she'd say "people come and play beautiful music".

Now, 5 months in, she really doesn't ask when she can go home, but she sometimes asks if we can "take me to see my house". I usually say something like "Yes, but I can't do it today because (fill in the blank - I have a doctor's appointment, etc.) I don't take her out because at age 97, she is very frail and a fall risk. I'm no spring chicken either.

Mom's quality of life has improved greatly in MC. She's made friends with some of the residents, she loves the staff, and they love her. She participates in most of the activities and proudly shows me her art projects. She was always a very social person, but with progressing dementia, her life consisted mostly of walking around her AL apartment looking out the windows and overwatering her plants. She had 24/7 caregivers, some were great and engaged with her, but others mostly sat around looking at their phone.

A move is hard at any age, but it's going to be much harder for someone with dementia. Have patience in the early days.

Moving your father to MC will enable your mom to once again be your father's wife instead of having to also be his caregiver, with all the stress and strain that causes.

Good advice so far. Not everyone needs to be "left alone to adjust for few weeks", especially if you are moving both parents and one is higher functioning. Mom may feel abandoned or feel increased stress of responsibility even though staff is there to help with the transition and with general needs. Maybe you can plan visits around dad's nap time if you being there will be unproductive. You will know from interactions with them and with staff and adjust as needed, but show up in early days at least to observe how it is going.