Juggling changes (driving, moving) with grief

welcome. Sorry for your loss and your Mom’s diagnosis. Unfortunately unless you can provide 24/7 care in her home, you will need to make the decisions and take control. She is unable to reason. She can’t understand there is anything wrong. I would take the keys, disable the car or have it towed somewhere else. If she drives and is in a wreck her insurance could refuse to pay and she could be sued. She should no longer be living alone. She could start a fire and not know what to do. I would look for AL that also has memory care. . AL is not secure enough for dementia care. They don’t provide 24/7 care. So you will need to move her twice. Your goal is to keep her safe. Remember you’re not doing it to her, you’re doing it for her.

When I took mom to tour an assisted living facility she was the same way. It was a nice place for someone who needed that kind of care, but she didn’t. The neurologist had just told her it wasn’t safe for her to be home alone. I made an appointment with the facility and signed all the paperwork without her (I have DPOA). I then told her what I had done and when she would be moving in. She was so angry. She demanded to know why. “Just explain it to me” I I tried to explain (bad idea) she said I was being ridiculous and she was perfectly capable of being alone. It was about a month of her barely speaking to me. Like your mom fibs would have never worked. My brother insisted she be told about the move right away. While she was mad she realized she had no choice. She started packing up boxes. The actual move was a nightmare. I had no idea what was in the boxes and my brother said I had no right to root through her personal things. He said if she packed it to go it must be important to her. She had cookbooks, cupcake papers, kings size sheets.. what a mess. Shortly after the move we got her on some new medication. It took a while to get the right dose, but that made a huge difference. At home she often didn’t even get dressed in the morning, she had no one to talk to and didn’t eat well. Al was good for her. She made friends and participated in activities. She is in a nursing home now. She has never understood the reason she needs to be in a facility. I crossed my fingers and said a lot of prayers that she would actually get in the car for the move. I don’t know what I would have done if she refused. So my advice, just make the decision and sign the papers without her. You will never get her to agree. Don’t tell her about the move weeks in advance. I’m not sure I would have told mom until she was in the building. Don’t let her pack, if you do, plan on going through everything before the move. In a controlled environment with a regular routine at Al mom actually made some very minor improvements. Her home was very overwhelming for her. She would never admit it. Getting through dementia without having your loved one angry with you would be quite the feat. I’m so sorry about your dad and I know how hard that must be on your mom. In my opinion you can’t let your sympathy for your moms loss get in the way of getting her the care she needs. Accept she is going to be mad and do what needs to be done to keep her safe. This is tough!

I know I'm late to this message thread but my heart goes out to you. My mom fought going to AL too. When she realized that I was serious and that I was about to take her 400 miles from home to an AL close to me, she started going through her address book. She called multiple old friends and distant family members to tell them she was being forced to move against her will. You can imagine the calls I got, since most of these people had no idea that she'd been struggling with cognitive impairment.

I too feared that she would flat out refuse to get into the car when the time came. But she got in, in spite of the fact that a couple of friends stood crying in the driveway. I think somewhere deep down, she knew that she needed help. Or she just didn't comprehend that she could actually walk back into her house and refuse to go. It was rough, but within a few weeks she was getting into the routine at AL, without the stress of managing meals, finances ,transportation, all the things that had made daily life so hard for her over the past few years.

I hope that your mom makes a good adjustment too. It's heartbreaking to have to uproot her, but you are doing it for her safety. Just as a young child cannot understand why parents make some decisions, so our loved ones with dementia can't understand what is in their best interests. The sad difference is that children grow in their understanding, while our impaired parents continue to lose their mental abilities.

Peace and blessings to you.