Please help me keep my sanity

It's so difficult, I feel for you! Lots of us on this forum have experienced the same so keep coming back here for support and information. Does your mom see a geriatric psychiatrist? They can help manage her anxiety, agitation and other behaviors. My mom's PCP and neurologist did not/would not prescribe meds. It can make a huge difference. It sounds like AL may not be appropriate for your mom's needs unless she gets proper medication. For example, my mom moved from her apartment to AL (willingly, wanted to move there). After 6 days we started receiving alarming reports of her behavior (agitation with staff and other residents) and on day 18 she eloped and was picked up by police at a house down the street (after eloping 3 times). She was brought to the hospital for a psych evaluation and is now in MC. She's cognitively better off than most of the other patients in her unit but she clearly needs to be there despite her ability to communicate, feed herself, and use the toilet on her own. She hates it and asks when she can leave every day. I have to keep telling myself that I can't control her feelings and behaviors but I can listen to her and calmly agree or deflect. I still feel guilty at times that she's there but I know she's safe and cared for at MC - and my sister and I are very active in her care. I wish I had words of advice on how to handle all this emotionally. I always feel a little better by focusing on what I can do. Research care options (home or facility) and get all the ducks lined up (DPOA, HIPAA and her bank/finance info) so when a spot at a facility opens up or if there's a crisis you will be ready. Take care.

First thing is her brain is not "fixable" and there is no constant predictable way to deal with her ever changing levels of awareness. Since her thought process is impaired she is running more on emotions . Fear becomes dominate. Even totally safe positive things that are suggested get rejected since she can't rationally evaluate what that change involves.

Having her see a geriatric psychiatrist is a good suggestion. It can't be fun to feel one's brain being agitated It's not doping her up but for comfort calming her.

So you'll need to plan the move around her , keep her out of the decision making loop and moving day just happens. A number of people take their LO for lunch to MC , "something comes up" and the house needs to fumigated, power is out , you need to make a rush trip to somewhere, etc how fortunate that MC has a room where she can stay . The staffs at these places know how to entertain while you slip out.

I found the doctor that serviced moms assisted living did a much better job with medication than her pcp. There were routine visits and she didn’t have to be taken out. It was nice. The only problem I had was that mom didn’t want me there for the visit. Lucky the doctor was willing to call me after each visit and I expressed any concerns before appointments using a patient portal. Mom had a rough idea of what meds she was taking, but even early on she could not be trusted to manage it herself. When she got snippy about not wanting to take a new medication or what is that one for, I just told her it was something the doctor wanted her to start taking for her blood pressure or a new vitamin, or I once she was in Al I just claimed I didn’t know. She was very distrustful. I got a few eye rolls. If you need to take her off something and switch to another, tell her the pill looks different because it’s a different manufacturer.

You've gotten so many helpful comments! I hope it helps you to have this community, and know that many of us are dealing with the same issues (and others, we have other issues too). I just recently joined, and it has helped me greatly to deal with the dementia that both of my parents have, in different ways and different stages.

Until your mom is in a facility, consider getting support and help on a daily basis, or however many days/week works for you and her. Doing so will allow you to focus on your mental and physical health, which is so, so important. I recently spent two weeks with my parents, in Florida at what will likely be their last time there, after years of spending months there each winter. I was glad to be able to take them to places they had enjoyed in the past, and connect with friends there, but two weeks with them was a VERY long time, and really tough for me. I took myself for a long walk to a coffee place almost every morning, had phone calls with friends and other family members to vent, and even my remote work gave me a break. It helped me to manage my stress and grief (and sometimes anger) at seeing my parents change, and to handle all of the other matters that I was also fitting in (I have been handling all of their financial and other matters for the past several years).

On the driving, of course that's big. We recently had a third-party assessment performed through a local hospital system. It included time with a simulator. At the end of it, the assessor recommended that my dad stop driving. After that result, my mom decided NOT to get the assessment, and just stop driving. The assessor said my dad was going out on a high note, with no accidents on his record - that's a positive spin. I also call it (based on language from their state's DMV) "driving retirement." They moved into a retirement community in August, after putting off that decision for a while, then 18 months on a waitlist. They moved there for many reasons, including foreseeing that they wouldn't be driving my longer. I refer to any drivers (including me in Florida, my brother, the shuttle at the center, etc.) as their chauffeur - they get a kick out of that. I feel, also, that while my dad wanted to still be driving, it was starting to be stressful for him.

For the time being, we have elected to have either parent see a geriatric psychiatrist. I'm sure my mom would refuse - she has refused every memory test that her internist has requested her to do. But we all see the decline. And due to materials available through ALZConnected, I can also put names to behaviors that I'm seeing. (Her internist did put my mom on anti-anxiety meds a couple of months ago, and they seem to be helping.)

I might sound very level-headed, but that's only for writing this. Almost daily, I have to repeat to myself, don't argue, don't reason. Deflect, distract, find a way to agree (even if you're twisting what your parent is saying, to be able to find something to agree on). And remember, if you "mess up" and say a sharp word, they are unlikely to remember that you did so.