First week in memory care
I was persuaded to send my DH with mixed dementia to memory care. He is very hard to care for and fights anyone who tries to help him. It often takes two people to change him because he won't cooperate.
I miss him. I don't miss the work. I have no idea what is next for me. I have literally spent the last three years providing around the clock care.
We have been married for almost 46 years and I have never lived alone before.
The good news is he isn't asking to go home. When I asked him if he likes it where he lives he said "The food is good and the people are nice". I feel lucky that he isn't asking to go home because that would make things so much worse.
He is getting great care. It is very expensive and I may end up homeless before this is all over so I am doing my best to enjoy my freedom. I retired last August and plan to go back to work so that I can afford luxuries like property taxes and maybe some new tires.
For the first time in my life I don't have any plans or any goals. We had plans for retirement but none of that is going to happen. I don't care about the future only the present. I can tell already today is going to be a good day.
Comments
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It's a mixed bag when you place your LO in memory care. There's the relief that the heavy lifting is over, but there are also the worries if he is doing ok. Plus there's the expense! I placed my DH in MC in Sept 2024 and I'm so glad I did it when I did. He was fairly stable then and adjusted to not living at home. His health declined in 2025 and now I am so relieved that I don't have to rush to place him. Try to enjoy your new found freedom. You deserve it.
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My DW is not combative and still pretty much able to do all her personal needs but at the moment she recognizes me as her dead father. As much as it kills me, I just play that roll and it is very difficult to answer the barrage of questions as to where her husband has gone. If, or when, I may also be faced with the decision to place her in memory care, which I dread, it will also drain all my finances very quickly being one has to be at the poverty level to qualify for Medicaid.
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Looking back I realize I should have moved him to MC six months ago because it was almost impossible for me to take care of him.
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I think I kept my DH at home longer than I should have. It wasn't a safe for either of us. I know I need to start making financial decisions. It is so strange to have spent over 50 years working full time and saving money to just spend it quickly, In a way it is liberating. I don't have to worry about my financial future because I don't have one.
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I’ve been my mom’s primary caregiver for 9 years. She is 88 with advanced Alzheimer’s and now requires far more care than I can do. She will be going to a memory care assisted living facility in a couple of weeks. I’ve been what her doctor calls her umbilical cord 24/7 and wonder if it’s best not to visit the first couple of weeks to give her the opportunity to adjust to her new surroundings and those that will care for her. I am beyond severe caregiver burnout. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thank you3
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Tboard, if you haven't already, I'd suggest you contact an elder law attorney. They are knowledgeable in many relevant subjects. They can tell you about Medicaid Asset Protection Trusts, which allow for those who would otherwise be ineligible for Medicaid to become eligible, so that you do not use up your assets.
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Hi! I suggest you start a new topic so that people will reply to you.
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to start a new post, click on the plus sign at the bottom of the page. The MC facility where I placed my DH recommended I wait 2 weeks. The brought him a phone once a day so we could talk. He settled in fairly quickly. Others take longer. When you do go visit, go at meal time and keep it short. Don’t say goodbye when you leave. Tell the nurse you’re leaving so they can distract him with an activity or treat. If he asks to go home, tell him when the doctor says so.
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Tell her you are going on a trip(or whatever) + wont have phone available. No contact. I would stay away at least two weeks (and keep being updated by the staff every or every other day) When you go back, bring a treat she knows she likes with you and stay for lunchtime or activity time with others around…not alone in her room. Don’t ask ‘how has it been’. Act like it’s a normal day…in fact, try not to ask questions at all. Let her lead the discussion…maybe bring a magazine or book with lots of pictures to discuss. Talk about family gossip etc or ‘I love the view from here’ or these prints are so interesting, ‘etc etc etc
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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