Tips for Caring From a Distance

I would encourage you to start looking for a facility for your mom. There can be a waiting list, so I wouldn’t wait. Your sister has taken on too much. At a certain point one person can not do the same job as a whole team of workers at a facility. She is giving up her life. Even a great marriage is bound to run in to trouble under these circumstances. I think it’s a huge mistake to assume that care at home with family is always best. Your sister may feel like she is giving up if she tells you she can’t do it anymore. At the very least she needs hired caregivers to help or a day program she can take your mom to so she can have a break.

As the primary caregiver for my mom, I appreciate any effort from my siblings. Something as simple as weekly calls and cards means a lot. Knowing they care is everything. I understand they may not have the time I do to dedicate to moms care.

This is my first time posting so a little confused about the process. I live long distance from my brother, who has been diagnosed with VD and Alzheimers. For the past year I've traveled to his state to take him to various appointments, scans, MRIs, and other medical procedures. I had to make the heart wrenching decision to put him in a memory care facility for help. He has been extremely depressed and suicidal, and I've had the police go by and do a welfare check on him each time. I have listened to him crying on the phone out of fear of being evicted and him wondering if he's paid his rent and other bills. He can't remember the passwords to get into his computer or bank account, neglects taking his meds or eating a sufficient diet, has bills and pink slips strewn all over the house, hasn't driven in quite some time that I can see, orders food and drinks off from Amazon to the extreme, and throws his trash inside the Amazon boxes. Each time I visit I'm cleaning out the boxes and organizing things for him, but weeks later things are piled up again. Mold is growing on food in the fridge, and there are half open packets of tuna fish, along with used dishes placed in the fridge. I've intervened with his landlord to have his toilets fixed. Lately, he said he had no towels or dishes and wonder who's coming in and taking his property. When appointments are made he cancels them, and he continuously asked me what the date is, what city does he live in, etc. I know that everyone here has probably experienced the same with their person who is going through this horrendous and heartbreaking disease. My brother has never been married and doesn't have any children. He lives alone and never made any social connections here. He longs for the life he had when he lived in Florida. I guess the reason I'm here is he is extremely angry with me and has left hurtful voicemails and FB comments. We are both struggling with the turn of events of having to place him into residential care. We toured the facility two weeks before that, and within ten minutes he forgot we had even been there. I know it's the disease talking. I try not to take it personally when he says not to contact him again and what a horrible thing I've done to him. My brother lived with me many years ago before I moved out of state to help my daughter and family with my grandson, who has severe autism and is nonverbal. That was over six years ago. My brother doesn't even remember why he moved from Florida (rents increasing and no longer affordable). I guess I'm here to vent. We both are struggling. Many of the things that he's saying now regarding being depressed and suicidal are the same things he said when he was living in his home- being scared. Remembering the person he used to be is not the person he is now... I've explained the diagnosis to him and what the doctor said. I've been caregiving with my grandson, driving my daughter 3 times a week 80 miles a day to P.T, and taking my brother to all his appointments. I've paid large sums of money when he neglected his heat bill for several months to catch up on his non payments , and then to reconnect him twice. Honestly, I'm able to pay my own bills but really can't afford to be paying both our bills. I'm supposed to be getting carpal tunnel surgery and have put that on the back burner. So I've been at his house the last couple of days packing up his things and feeling very protective about about his stuff and a little guilty having to invade his privacy, plus feeling like I ruined his life by signing the papers so he could get some help and stay safe.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm 73, and my brother just turned 76. He even forgot his own birthday sadly.

Thank you for hearing me out and your patience with such a long post.