Depression as my Moms Alzheimers progresses

scottocon

Hey everyone, I am new here and was looking for advice on how to deal with what feels like constant grieving. Shortly after covid hit, my mom was diagnosed with PCA, a type of dementia that affects vision. After her diagnoses, things have progressed really fast and I have been going through feelings of depression, anxiety and just really struggling seeing this disease get worse. It feels as if I have already lost my mom as bad as that sounds. We used to spend time with each other weekly, go out to eat, hang out at my house and she would always want to help me around the house. But now she can’t do anything on her own because her vision is almost non existent. Every time I go see her and hang out, it just eats me up inside and causes me to be super depressed later that night. I’m looking for anyones advice as to how to deal with what feels like a long grieving process to me as it slowly takes my Mom. Before this disease, I never really processed or thought about my parents being gone one day (even though of course everyone passes), but now that Im seeing my mom progressively get worse, I just have constant anxiety and fear of losing them, and think about how life will be without them and its been taking a huge toll on my quality of life. Has anyone else felt this way? What has helped you?

ZO19

Hello. All of your words expressed how I feel….the grief, anxiety, sense of lost but yet mom is still here. My siblings and I have been sharing full time caregiver responsibilities for our mom for the past 18 months and the emotions have been an absolute roller coaster. In the first couple of months of full time care, I cried so much. One time, I went to a musical with friends and afterwards, I sat in my car and cried because it reminded me of the times my mom took me to musicals. I was not prepared for the depression and I’m still not but it has gotten a little better. What helped me was doing more research on being a caregiver and how I was feeling and why. The depression is connected to the feels of grief, lost and separation because the person is not the same person…so it’s sadness that she’s mentally gone…and also the reality that she will be physically leaving in the future. I have started to consciously monitor my thoughts and stop myself when I start down a train of thoughts that are not useful. I ask myself….is this helping me to be the best caregiver I can for my mom? I take a deep breath and pull myself back into the moment and try my hardest to focus on the present time I have with my mom. It’s not easy and the depression still comes in goes with different triggers. Just this past week, my friend had to place her mom who has Alzheimer’s in a nursing home. And I literally felt my heart drop and my thoughts started to spiral. I walked outside, took several deep breaths and texted my friend a message of support. Afterwards, I took several more deep breaths and reminded myself that mom was ok.

Hang in there. Enjoy the time you do have. And know that it’s ok to not feel ok.

scottocon

I really Appreciate your advice, I will have to try all of what you told me. I try yo hold it together for my kids, but sometimes it gets very tough and I have to get away for a moment to regather my thoughts. Like yesterday for Easter, my mom told me that she would have came over earlier to help me set up for the party I had (she always used to) and it just made me super sad for the rest of the day because even though she can barely see and can’t walk with the help of others guiding her, she still wanted to be there for me. When I woke up I decided to check for groups or forums with others that are dealing with the same kind of situations so I know what to expect and just for a sense to feel not a lone I suppose. I’m so sorry for what you are going through as well and I’m happy your depression is getting a little better. I will definitely do some research on caregiving. I wish my siblings and I could be there more for my parents as my dad takes care of her majority of the time, but we all work pretty much the same hours so we help out as much as we can. I can tell my dad is burnt out though.

ZO19

It's nice that she was able to make it to the family Easter celebration. Those moments are hard and painful to see the difference in your mom. I hope you enjoyed some of the day, even in the midst of being super sad.

To help you dad, you may consider looking into available local resources like respite care or adult day services for individuals with Alzheimer’s. Depending on your area, some resources are free, some covered by insurance, and some are private pay.

MsG82

Your story is very similar to mine but I am a full time caregiver for my nearly blind mom with Alz and my dad with chronic heart issues. The grieving is endless not to mention all of the care decisions. My mom is bored all the time. We try to do things with her but she immediately forgets what she just did. She can’t read or entertain herself. Her short term memory is pretty much gone. She still remembers family members and we celebrate that! We look for humor and special moments to cherish. Supporting your dad as much as possible might help you not feel so helpless. Take time for yourself. I struggle with that. My parents can’t really be left alone as both are fall risks and my mom could not call for help if something happens to my dad. They are stubborn about help. It upsets my mom just to have a housekeeper come in twice a month. We will be forcing them to accept more help as they decline. I’ve been caregiving for 15 months. My husband and I have sold our home and moved across the country. So on top of the caregiving we are building a home next door to my parents. We have been living in their home during this process. A less than ideal situation. The new house will be done soon so we will at least have a place to go for respite. I recently started taking an antidepressant/anxiety medicine. The situational grief and hopelessness was getting to me. I finally had to ask my doctor for some help. Walking and occasional yoga just wasn’t enough to lift my mood. Hang in there and enjoy whatever moments of light you can find with your mom. And give your dad lots of hugs. You both needs them.

Kchand

Thanks for your advice all. My mom is at a memory care facility. I was her primary caretaker for 5 years. This weekend was the first time she didn’t remember who her husband was ( he died 12 years ago) and she never has done that. She is being moved to the part of the facility where people are at end stage Alzheimer’s. I can’t stop crying. Just nice to know I’m not alone.

Hope65

My heart aches for you and for all of us who are either in your shoes or who will be eventually. I cry everyday too & am pretty damned depressed, anxious, and fearful a lot of the time. My mom is in moderate stage. Our situations and parent relationships seem similar in many ways. While mom remembers dad clearly, she recently asked if she went to his funeral last year. Ouch - i actually felt my heart break. She has no concept anymore of what a year even means. Everything you say deeply resonates and is completely understandable. I want to validate every feeling you express. If you don't already see a grief therapist for support, please consider it. Doesn't make the problem disappear, though it does help to feel heard and learn ways to cope with the overwhelm. And temporary medication may help -- no shame there. You're not alone. Stick around here, too. Though im relatively new, I've found there's pretty much someone around here all the time. There's also the ALZ helpline 24/7: 800.272.3900. 888 if we lived closer, Id offer to walk with you daily in a heartbeat.

Lizze

This is my first time posting here. Thanks so much to everyone who's been so honest about their feelings, especially the challenge of experiencing grief, unexpectedly, over and over as our LO changes. My situation is that my mother is definitely experiencing dementia, but we're waiting for her MRI to be done before the doctors will give a definite diagnosis. In the meanwhile, we're trying our best to support her as she recently moved into AL, although she hasn't yet been able to talk directly about what's causing her confusion and declining abilities. One thing that has helped me was being told about Teepa Snow, a woman with 40 years' experience working as an occupational therapist with people with dementia. She has many free videos, podcasts, blogs, etc. answering questions and addressing issues for people living with dementia and those who love them. This is her website: http://www.teepasnow.com. One of her ideas is something I'm going to try to use so that I'm not constantly being bowled over by sadness and loss every time I notice yet another way my mother is declining: noticing what Teepa calls GEMS. Basically, these are states that a person can move in and out of at different points in their disease progression, even cycling through them many times in a given day! Anyhow, her point is that it's important notice what qualities and abilities your loved one continues to have so that you're not just focused on what's been lost. Here's a very short video where she describes the GEMS: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z6UVjp_y8HY . She calls her approach to dementia PAC, Positive Approach to Care. I'm hoping to try to keep my head above water during this journey and help my mother live her life as well as possible. Thanks for listening!