Helping Dad

catmom73

So I’m just getting home from driving 45 minutes each way to diffuse an argument between my parents. Mom has dementia and dad is doing his best, but loses patience and gets upset with her when she gets confused. This leads to fighting, but then she can’t convey why they’re arguing she just knows she’s upset. I’m unable to be there 24/7 and she refuses to have any “strangers” in her house. Any suggestions for my dad? I’ve tried to talk him into support groups but he doesn’t want to go…

harshedbuzz

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for the reason you are here but happy you found this place.

I had this same issue (genders reversed and a mere 25 minute ride barring a train fouling the level grade crossing) not long after dad was diagnosed in the middle stages. I also had a couple complications in the 1) mom was angry given that one of dad's mixed dementias was a "self-inflicted" alcohol related dementia and 2) the SNF that discharged dad from rehab and local pharmacy completely boogered up his medications. The SNF didn't transfer his Seroquel and the pharmacy filled the order of a man in Sacramento who'd been dead 12 years.

I had hoped things would calm down once I got his meds straightened out, but mom was still annoyed and angry and dad was feeding off her emotions which led to a feedback cycle of fighting. PWD retain the ability to recognize the mood of their caregivers until the very end stages of the disease. I got to the point where a CTJ and some tough love was necessary.

I tried to sell the concept of maintaining her "game face" as having the power to manipulate dad and the situation, but she blew me off. I got her more support-- a psychiatrist, therapist and IRL support group for meds, a safe place to share and a peer group. When they offered her the same advice I did, she took it.

Another thing that helped was printing out this PDF-

Smashwords – Understanding the Dementia Experience - A book by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller - page 1

You said:

"she refuses to have any “strangers” in her house"

Alas the person with the broken brain doesn't get to call the shots anymore. Your dad will have a much easier time as primary caregiver if he has regular and sufficient respite from the burdens of caregiving. As part of your Plan B, you need a helper for mom you can arrange on-the-fly if something happens to you or your dad that prevents you from caregiving. That might be a day program mom attends or it could be a HHA. If you go with the latter, it helps to introduce this person either as a friend or as someone who is there for another purpose.

My dad was super resistant to professional help, so I introduced them as "doctor's orders" related to mom's knee replacement surgery. Other folks have brought people in as a friend who has fallen on hard times and is coming in as a cleaner or just to visit.

You don't mention ages or general health, so I can't speak to that. I will say that my own mother, even with my help and 3 x weekly HHA visits was so burdened by dad's care and refusal to submit to care (eating, showers, taking meds, not drinking) that her health took a hit. We did place him after a time when it was clear she was not able to provide appropriate care. He did a lot better with the professionals in MC and mom was able to turn back into the loving wife who could just spend time with him which was very nice.

She had been feeling hopeless, didn't renew a couple important prescriptions and ended up in the hospital twice just after he died. One incident cost her the vision in one eye so now she no longer drives. Her life in Stage 8 is not what she'd hoped and sadly, neither is mine.

HB

catmom73

Thank you so much for your response. I’m so sorry you and your mom have gone through so much. We just want our parents to enjoy their “golden years” and this disease makes that nearly impossible…