Father Refusing In-home Care

angellts

Hello,

I’m new here, but have already learned a lot from reading posts. This is my first, asking for advice.

My father needs 24/7 care but refuses to accept a caregiver. He might for a day, but he’s fired that 8 we’ve found for him in the past 6 weeks, telling them to leave and not letting them come back.

He’s independent in terms of dressing and bathing, but is way too confused to manage medications, when to eat, etc.

He’s always been fiercely independent and is clearly struggling with his loss of independence and control. And he’s afraid, I can tell. Using anger to get what he wants isn’t new, and me and my sister can’t figure out how to work around that. We know that reasoning and arguing aren’t effective.

We’ve tried adding people slowly, part-time, passing them off as personal assistants, house keepers, drivers, and making sure they don’t wear uniforms. At this point, my father would never leave his home and we want to to stay home, too. We just don’t know what else to do and are overwhelmed with all of this.

Thanks a lot for reading.

M1

welcome to the forum. Common problem unfortunately. I had the same issue to some extent, although i never could find anyone to come to the home in our rural area---but my partner was so fiercely independent--and territorial about our farm that I don't know that she would have accepted help here even if I could have found someone. She ended up in memory care and is not happy about that, either--but oddly enough, though still unwilling to accept help in a lot of areas, is less territorial about it because she knows she's not on her own turf. Mind you, she doesn't remember where home is, but she knows that's not it. Long way of saying--it may be easier to get him to accept help if he's not at home, hard as that is. I think this is a pretty common dynamic and is one of the reasons for placement, for many.

towhee

Hello and welcome. I had someone come in 10 hours a week for respite, and in the beginning each time they left I was told that a babysitter was not needed and was begged to have them not come back. We managed by blaming it on doctors orders after a fall and using emotional manipulation. A neighbor had fallen and lain on the floor for hours before they were found, and my LO remembered that. We said we worried so much that that might happen, and if it did we would never forgive ourselves and please just for a little while let's do what the doctor said. The little while went on for 3 years, and it did get somewhat better. My LO did grieve the loss of their independence and it was sad for all of us. If my LO had not been used to listening to and asking advice of my eldest sibling it would have been worse. If your father is unable to get his own meals and take medication, who is helping him now? I knew someone who used the "I have the flu, so and so is going to take my place for a week till I get better" line. Another did the "I will get in trouble with the county if you fall and no one is here" and one simply gave a choice between in home care or assisted living. What works is different with each person, I hope you find something that works or at least some stopgap helps. It is often true that a person will accept help more readily in a facility than at home.