Online Counseling sessions on dealing with caregiving situations

JKWilliams

I am looking for online counseling sessions that might help me deal with the changes that caregiving brings to my life. I have a 72-year-old husband with early Alzheimer's and a 35-year-old son that is on the autism spectrum.

I get overwhelmed and angry that this has happened. I lost my son's father to leukemia. I have worked all my son's life to get him the help he needed to be as productive as possible. I planned my Will and obtained insurance policies to help take care of my son when I died. I took out a hybrid insurance policy to try to be prepared for the possibility of getting dementia or Alzheimer's myself since it runs on all sides of my family. I was not mentally prepared that my husband of 11 years to be diagnosed with early Alzheimer's. I retired 2 years ago, so I could finally take a breath and live life a little. WRONG!! Alzheimer's had to stick its head into my business. Now I second-guess every decision that I make (did I mention, that I hate making decisions). I want someone to take care of me.

We have very little to no support system. My family lives near us, but they have very busy lives. We do have our church family. My husband's two children live 2 hours away in a big city. We moved after our marriage to my small hometown. The kids want us to move to the big city, so it would be easy for them to take care of their dad. They have busy lives and do not care that neither of us wants to move. They do not care that my son needs to be near the adult work program facility that he presently attends. They said that they will never agree for someone to come into our home to take care of their dad. They said that they would not agree for him to be placed in a home if the time came that I could not take care of him.

I feel that I have a lot of issues that an online counselor might be of great help to me. My prayer has been that God would give me the mind, body, and health to take care of both my husband and my son.

Iris L.

Welcome JK. I felt like you, and still do, in some ways. My counsel came from other members. They know what they are talking about! I suggest that you read a lot of threads and post often. There are several in your same situation.

Iris

JKWilliams

I feel overwhelmed when I look at all of the posts. I do not know where to start when it comes to finding someone that is feeling my desperation.

mrahope

FWIW, I have a counselor who I've seen for quite a long while via telehealth. I have found that speaking with her helps me to process all the terrible things that have happened because my DH has dementia. It's not like I (or maybe you) have an actual diagnosable mental illness, it's just that we're caught in a terribly unfair and stressful situation. Like we have PTSD, except the "traumatic stress" is happening to us on a daily basis.

As with so many other things, I would start looking by speaking to your doctor or others you trust and explaining your situation. It's possible they know where to begin the search for a good counselor. I would also check with your insurance. Look under "behavioral health". I was lucky that my son was an administrator for a mental health service and recommended I try counseling. I'm not sure if I would have thought of it otherwise. It has been a "safe place" for me to try to understand so many things. Do not give up! You are worth it.

I know when you first read on here it can seem unbelievable, but trust me, there are good people here who can "walk this road" with you.

Denise1847

Try the Alzheimer's 24 hour helpline as a start. The number is: 800-272-3900. For whatever it is worth, family members who are not directly caring for the Alzheimer's DH really shouldn't have a say in who comes into the home, where the care is being given etc. It would give me pause to move to the city when they are already trying to run things and they aren't involved.

I am so very sorry you are in this situation. It is a great idea to get a counselor to talk things over. This is a terrible disease which will take you through a process of anger, grief, resentment etc., but you can survive this. Take one day at a time. I hope and pray that you have faith in Jesus as He is walking with me through this. If not, please consider praying to Him.

Please let us know how things are going for you.

ThisLife

I would also caution moving to the big city for the convenience of others. I moved across country so my son and family could help. He and his family have busy lives with virtually no time for us. I was looking for placement for my H before we moved. I keep getting push back on placement because my son is afraid he will outlive the LTC policy. So, I sit here with no social/emotional support, that I had in my former state, with H who can't be left alone. FWIW, as a retired special education teacher, I would weigh leaving where you son has a good support program.

JKWilliams

Denise1847-- I do have faith in Jesus. I do pray. I know that Jesus can give me strength and support that is beyond my understanding. I just am so disappointed in myself for allowing this disease and my son's situation to make me so angry. Like I said in my original post I pray that GOD give me the health, the body, and the mind to take care of both my husband and my son.

ThisLife -- I definitely am very fortunate that the facility that my son attends is so near my home. He loves going there every day. He does sheltered work in a great environment. I have it arranged in my Will that he go there to live when I die.

Denise1847

Good Morning JK,

Please know that anger is so human and a part of this journey we are on. In fact, if you weren't angry, I would be worried. It takes time, but the anger will pass. I have to warn you that the anger cycles and may return, but it will be less and less over time. What gets me through these days is the promise that God will make all things new when this world is fully restored to how He originally made it to be. Your son will be well, your husband will be like his old self and you will flourish. I listen to a preacher (Tim Keller) on You Tube about various topics, read the bible and also read/view materials from Joni Erikicson Tada.

Perspective is critical to coping. I try to look around to see the suffering of others and then I appreciate what we do have. I look at the life I used to have and can be grateful.

I hope some of these suggestions help you. Believe me, your feelings are so normal.

Iris L.

Use your anger at the disease to spur you on to do whatever you need to do to get along day-by-day, moment-by-moment!

Iris

Gig Harbor

I don’t think that his children can dictate to you the care you might need in the future. If you need help at home tell them that you will hire caregivers. If he needs placement then you will place him. If you move near them they very likely won’t be able to come up with hours a day to help you. Have they said that they will welcome him into their homes if you are unable to care for him? I think that your son has to be your priority as far as the future. He is the one who will need help with daily life after you and your husband are gone. I suggest talking to an elder care attorney because you have a complicated financial situation because of needing to plan long term care for your son. Until you have a working plan for your future possibly avoid talking to his kids. Good luck.

Elshack

I hope you have power of attorney ( financial and health ) for your DH. His children would have no say if and when you decide to hire healthcare workers to come into your home or in the event that you have to place him in memory care. Your son is your first priority. It is very normal to feel anger when you are in the midst of this Alzheimer's caretaking tragic situation. I also suggest you call the Alzheimer's number for suggestions re: therapy and also check your local services. Often anger is the flip side of depression. Your Dr may be able to RX an anti depressant for you. I have taken a small amt for a few years and it has helped me. It doesn't make me drowsy. I had to place my DH 9 mo ago in memory care as I could no longer take care of him as I had been able to for several years. You are wise to have Plans A and B to follow as you continue to care for him. My heart goes out to you as do my prayers.

Pat6177

Newcomers to the forum are often advised to make sure their legal affairs are in order. It sounds like you have things set up for your son but (as Elshack suggested), you need to make sure you and your DH have your legal docs set up. If you haven’t already done so, it’s a good idea to see an elder care attorney. Is your DH still able to sign legal documents? Do you each have wills? A trust if indicated? Medical and financial powers of attorney? HIPAA release forms? If your DH needs to go into a facility, is there a plan in place for how to pay for it? If he will need to go on Medicaid to pay for facility care, an elder law attorney can advise you how best to plan for that.

As for finding a counselor (in addition to the good suggestions above by other posters), the elder law attorney may know of someone. If there is an Alzheimer’s center in the city , call them and see if their social worker has a list of people to recommend. Another option is to find a support group either in person or online. The support group meetings may help while you are looking for a one-on-one on line counselor. The other members may be able to recommend someone.

you said you just want someone to take care of you. Yup, me too. Hang in there!

Laurie1282

Dr. Natali Edmonds with the Careblazers community has been literally a life saver for me. I would recommend her HIGHLY! You can see many of her videos on YouTube if you want a taste of her teachings. I joined her Care Club (about $500 a year) and have found so many helpful things about caregiving itself, but more importantly about adjusting your thinking to get through these super hard times. Search Careblazers on YouTube to get started!

Ed1937

I agree with Laurie about Dr. Natlie. I didn't take her full blown course, but I did take a 5 day course, and watched many youtube videos, which are free of charge. It's all about changing the way you think about things, and it actually works!

Another favorite is Dr. Teepa Snow. She uses a bit of humor with her teachings, so they are educational as well as entertaining. Both have free videos on youtube, and pay-for classes online.