Mom wandered for the first time. Ready to give up on doing it myself (NYC)

vernonfvj

I've been doing this for about 3 years now, It's exhausting, frustrating, but it was all I knew. She's EO (66 now) I love my mother but at the risk of sounding selfish I want to start the process ASAP of getting her proper care that doesn't involve me staying by her side 24/7. Because now I don't know when she'll just up and leave the house without any warning to see her sister.

I want to live my own life, but get her proper care...moving her into a facility that has round the clock care & can watch her, an MC where she'd be comfortable. The problem is, my sister (who doesn't live with us) is the one who handles and knows about all of my moms financial situations & insurance information, and isn't the most forthcoming, and I think she's got POA. At a glance, between retirement from working for the city, SS, savings etc. she's got probably 80K in assets & collects 2K monthly. I already know that's apparently too high for any Medicaid plan? What are the next steps you'd recommend?

loveskitties

I would say first steps are determining what legal documents you and your sister have for your mother, determine who is going to handle what...sounds like you have physical care and she has the rest...not ideal if you are not on the same page.

Once you know what you have you and your sister should see an elder care attorney to determine if you actually have what is necessary...as in durable power of attorney vs regular power of attorney and the like. The attorney should also be able to guide you both in what necessary steps are to qualify for Medicaid in your state.

In the mean time, you should investigate and invest in some type of lock or alarm to alert you is she tries to exit on her own.

vernonfvj

My sister isn't happy but willing to talk about it. I'm looking for a CELA now. I'm using nelf.org but was wondering if there was any best way to find someone according to testimonies on this site I might have missed?

M1

it's very hard to be the hands-on caregiver when you do not have legal or financial control. Are you being compensated in any way for caring for your mom? Are you living with her, rent-free? Think about these things before you visit with the attorney (which I agree completely that you need to do). If the house needs to be sold to pay for her care, how will that impact you? The attorney can help you and your sister plan ahead, including how to qualify for long-term Medicaid, which it sounds like she may need. Every state is different, and there are state-specific requirements about what assets can be maintained and what need to be spent in order to qualify. She can qualify, but certain monies will have to be spent first on her care.

Brooklyn74

If you can move her money into someone else's name, you can apply for medicaid. The monthly income isn't a problem. You can move the monthly funds over the medicaid limit into a pooled trust to be used for her care/bills.

Issue is, you have to understand her finances and have a POA or trust someone who does, as her assets need to be in someone elses name. IRAs don't count toward medicaid.

There is no look back now for community-medicaid (medicaid when the person plans to stay at home), so you could put her assets into a Trust.

For wandering, have you thought about apple air tags? I use them. It makes me feel horrible, but gives me some reassurance. Only thing is, you have to hide it in something she'd always take with her when she leaves the house. Does she always have her purse with her?

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm in NYC and doing this on my own as wel.l Reach out anytime, and we can discuss NYC resources.

loveskitties

I believe all Medicaid applications require proof of finances going back 5 years. If money has "disappeared" such as moving it to someone else's name, you could find yourself with a long waiting period to qualify.

While all on here mean well with their thoughts and suggestions, for legal matters it is best to contact an elder care attorney who will know what the laws and regulations are for your specific situation.

annewilder

I try to have my husband's Apple Watch on him almost all the time. I use AirTags but when their battery dies they are no longer accurate (should be months down the road, though.). I got Durable power of attorney this Spring after thinking regular POA was enough. Like many others I have looked at local assisted living and Memory Care arrangements. At this time I can manage him at home with 5 hours of caregiver 3 x a week so that I can grocery shop, get to doctor, etc. Wishing you the best. (I, too, thought assets needed to be moved 5 years before).

Jo C.

NOTE: Do NOT put any of her money in anyone else's name and move NOTHING without consulting an Elder Law Attorney first.

In most states, there is a five year look back period to ascertain whether money has been transferred in someone elses name, or moved or "hidden" in one way or another. If this is done, the person will be locked out and forbidden any Medicaid assistance for a significant period of time. Never, ever try to do that if Medicaid will be needed in the future such as in the next five plus years.

The first step I would recommend is to mend any fences needed with your sister; it sounds as though that is underway. Let her know you are no longer able to continue with caregiving. See if she is willing to see a Certified Elder Law Attorney with you to set your mother into the best situation as can be. Working as a team would be the best approach.

NOTE: If you are living in your mother's house; that may be an issue with Medicaid if you state she may not return home again; you really need legal advice from a valid legal source regarding her house as set forth in your state. There are differences in Medicaid with each state setting their own rules.

If your sister refuses to have your mother placed, then it is up to you what you are willing to do to move yourself out of that situation; it may be a difficult decision. If your mother is in your own house, then you can give your sister a date at which you will no longer continue with your mother in your home. It is a difficult situation requiring we make difficult decisions in such a situation.

As for her assets, she would have to "spend down," her assets by paying privately for her facility care until she reaches Medicaid numbers for her to obtain benefits. One she meets that requirement, her monthly income would go as her "share of costs" to the nursing home or whatever setting she would be in, then Medicaid would make up the shortfall. (In many states, the savings must be paid down to about $2,000 left.)

NOTE: Do know that Medicaid does not pay in all settings in all states. If you are thinking of a Memory Care or even an Assisted Living setting, then you will need to ask the attorney if Medicaid covers those settings in your state.

Some work to do together with your sister, but with a little work and tincture of time, this can be managed.

J.