New Here.

awomble

My story is very complicated. we are not sure of the stage my mother is in. She is 69. The doctor says this is too young but she was diagnosed in 2021 with the dementia.

Summary is I hired an attorney to get guardianship and conservatorship of my mother, who has dementia, due to my brother's neglect. I got final in April. I moved her into my home and my brother has visitation rights and still lives in her home. When she goes for visits with my brother, she comes back and is down right ugly and does things that are inexcusable. (Going to the bathroom all over the bedroom and bathroom). Telling the sitter to go F herself and trying to kick her. I really want to keep her at my home but I have told her that if she doesn't stop then I will have to put her in a nursing home. Everyone has told me I don't want to do this but I can't continue this way either. I did get help from our local aging consortium through the Panda project so that mom has GPS locator that works off satellite versus internet if she wonders off.

I work full time, have a husband, grown kids and 1 grandchild with another one due in 2 weeks. This has been so hard on me. I am killing myself still working and then come home every night to cook dinner so she has a warm meal. Then do other things. My health is not the greatest due to having RA.

I am at a loss as what I should do. My life has been turned upside down in the last 6 months. I sometimes lose my temper because I feel alone in this adventure.

BassetHoundAnn

Wow. You really have your hands full! To say your life has been turned upside down is an understatement. You obviously can't continue like this.

Telling your mom that her behavior is unacceptable and can't continue if she wants to continue living in your home is not going to work because her mind is broken. She's not going to understand. You should contact her doctor and get her an appointment with a geriatric psychiatrist to find a medication regime to quell her anxieties and try to tamp down her unacceptable behaviors.

The visits to her old house and your brother should stop. That's what is setting is her off, at least for now. There may be other things that will set her off in the future, which is why a medication regime is necessary.

Start touring memory care facilities and make a plan to place her. Between your RA and full-time job her care is a huge burden you can't continue. Certainly your husband can't be happy with the situation. You have to make his wishes a priority, he's part of your care team, he's part of your life too. He deserves a tranquil home as much as you do.

Memory care facilities are not like the old nursing homes. Some are wonderful places with daily activities and socializing that can help dementia patients tremendously both cognitively and also physically. My mom loves her current memory care. She has improved physically and mentally since moving there. And the nurses have been fantastic at helping determine the best medication regime for her to help combat her anxieties and depression. I am really glad I moved her there.

In making a plan to place her in memory care you will need to get her finances in order. That will mean selling her house. And kicking your brother out. You should consult with an eldercare attorney to make sure you have all the appropriate paperwork in place and to determine the best course legally to get your brother out of the house. Your mom is going to need that house money to pay for the first years of memory care prior to the Medicaid spend-down.

This is a lot to do, needless to say. The first year of caring for someone with dementia is overwhelming, emotionally and physically. You should call your local chapter of the Alzheimer's Association and ask to speak with a counselor. They can provide lots of good advice, and for free. An AA counselor will help answer a lot of your questions.

MN Chickadee

It does sound like going to her old house is a trigger, and I would put an end to that. Her mind is not going to understand logic or threats or consequences. You will have to find work arounds, use therapeutic fibs, and take control of the situation, work behind the scenes. If you don't have the ongoing guidance of a good elder law attorney you need to start not only to deal with your brother but also the financial planning and legalities, Medicaid planning etc. If taking the old home out of the picture and using good dementia informed communication techniques doesn't help you may need to look at some medication to control her behaviors if they are very problematic. Sometimes they can take the edge off anxiety or aggression enough to continue on.

It is not the end of the world if you are not able to keep her in your home. Good memory care facilities do exist. As the previous poster mentioned, sometimes they are just what our loved ones need. My mother had a rough transition to a facility but once she settled in she thrived there. She did very well with the structures in place for dementia and all the activities and nurses oversight. You may want to tour some now and get on wait lists so that when you need them you are ready. Doing that work during a crisis limits your options.

jfkoc

Reasoning with your mother is a waste of time. Just give it up.

You absolutely have a choice in what you do and please, when you are making decisions, remember yourself..

Get your plan B in place. Start your search over the phone. You want to know training...innitial and ongoing. You want the to send you a copy of their contract and you want to read their current license. Any hesitation means go on to the next facility on the list..

You need to talk to your mother's Neurologist yesterday. I would be very forthright about the language and physical violence.

There is no need for her to visit your brother.

Now regarding the "sitter"....your success with this is going to depend on your presentation.