How to Start Part Time Help

courtj.mitchell

Hello,

My mother has (undiagnosed) Alzheimers and lives at home with my father. I live about 4 hours away and visit once a month, but my father has been dealing with the day today and it's beginning to be too much for one person. We think it's time to hire a part time companion/health aid.

The problem is how to present that to my mother, who doesn't really realize that anything is wrong or how much help she needs at this point. I expect her to be resistant to the idea of accepting a stranger coming into the house to keep her company and trusting them to help with meals, transportation, writing checks, etc.

I'd be very grateful to hear any experiences with this issue - in particular how people have successfully framed bringing in a part-time caregiver in a manner that their loved one has been able to accept.

Many thanks for any thoughts.

mommyandme (m&m)

Hi and welcome to this place but sorry for the reason. My mom had no other choice than to allow help to come in. She was single and in another state from my brother and I. With that being said, she wasn’t resistant anyway. I’ve seen it posted by others, many times, to tell the LO that the help is a friend down on their luck that needs some extra work, a student that needs the hours for their studies etc… It might help if you’re there to introduce the first couple of shifts with your parents to ward off some of the awkwardness. I do have to say… I wouldn’t allow the hired help to write checks. If your dad is overwhelmed by the finances maybe you can take it over online. Are you POA for your mom and dad, both medical and financial? There comes a time when that’s usually necessary with aging parents. You might want to get in touch with a certified elder law attorney, if not.

We started in home care for mom with an agency. It began with two split 3 hr shifts a day, in the am and pm. Then it went to two 4 hour shifts, then 24/7 which was too hard to manage long distance so we moved mom next door to me.

I hope you can find a working solution soon.

sabsi

Hi there. This post resonates with me so much. My family is going through the exact same thing. My dad is absolutely exhausted and has basically become my moms full time caregiver and she doesn’t really have any idea. Both my brother and i live across the country and we know that getting her to move out there is not going to happen yet.

we want to bring in some relief for my father (who is in good health mentally and physically) but my mom would freak out are there agencies that specialize in this where someone could come in under the guise of cleaning the house or something like that but actually try and engage and distract?

I feel so helpless and am nervous for my dad.

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jfkoc

Such good info above.

I think the key is to never ever let the PWD know that the person coming in is for their care. Additionally it has help others to not leave their PWD until that person is very comfortable with them and then for very short periods of time,

mommyandme (m&m)

sabsi, yes, a service can come in under most guidelines you advise them to. IME the hired caregiver should be doing light housework and meal prep if that’s the type of services needed in addition to companionship for your mom. You and/or your dad are the boss. When doing an intake for you the service manager that comes to visit will find out exactly what kind of assistance your family needs.

you can do this!

terei

The best thing is to introduce the new help as someone who is helping the caregiver + not the PWD. As the PWD gets used to the presence of the helper, they can work their way into helping the PWD over a period of time. My mom ended up loving the helper who took her to garage sales, Dairy Queen, lunch, etc.

CorrieG

I agree with terei. I told my DH I needed help running errands and with general housekeeping, etc. Then, the caregiver performed tasks in his general vicinity and chatted with him until he was comfortable with her. Soon, I would have her help with tasks that actually involved him. Lastly, she was doing task with him by herself. It took a couple of weeks to transition but it worked well. He wasn't resistant to the idea of me spending the money or hiring someone though.

SDianeL

My DH qualified for VA respite caregiver support because he is a disabled veteran. We started with one afternoon per week, 3-4 hours so I could go run errands and catch up on my doctor appointment I had postponed for 2 years. He didn't want anyone to come but I explained that I needed help. I was mentally & physically exhausted and needed to go see my doctors. That worked. He liked the caregiver they sent and so far it's working. He still doesn't like it but is accepting it. He told me when I came home one day that she was "eating our food" and "using our bathroom" and I said she brought her own lunch and she had to use the bathroom while she's here. He's paranoid and doesn't trust anyone anymore. I just calmly answer him and change the subject. She will do light housekeeping, fix him lunch but not more than that. She's basically a sitter in case anything happens while I'm gone. The company the VA recommended is called Assisting Hands so you can see what services an agency offers. I'm very happy with them in our area. Couple of suggestions: Read the book The 36 Hour Day and get a DPOA for both parents asap. Then you can take care of their bills and maybe take some of the stress off him.

irene912

My mom is like that, feels nothing is wrong or that she needs help. We've recently started having an aide. It's caused a lot of grief & confusion about why, when, what will she do, etc, etc. And she's uncomfortable with someone being in her home. I'm starting to wonder if it's worth it but I need help.

HollyBerry

I'm starting to see signs that my partner shouldn't be home alone all day while I"m at work, but I can't even imagine the level of arguments we would have about it, and the horrible attitude she'd have toward someone in the house while I was gone. What I really want is a dog sitter for two ancient tiny dogs with attitudes, who can babysit the dogs so she doesn't yell at them when they bark and make them miserable... maybe that's the angle I need to take! "There's no doggy day care for super-senior immune compromised dogs, so I'm hiring in-home day care for Sophie so she doesn't bark at you all day." I wish!