New Caregiver, Overwhelmed

blueberryforsal

My 80 year old dad got diagnosed with Alzheimer’s a few weeks ago. He’s had problems with names and words and math for several months but until recently, it had not progressed much past that. Now he has problems with understanding his finances and figuring out time spans. He is a retired civil engineer, so this is a pretty big shift for him. I am very much at the beginning of coming to terms with what’s happening with him. I don’t know where to start navigating this. After his retirement several years ago, he stepped back into kind of solitude that he’s really enjoyed. I’m like him so I can understand and I do not see that as a coping mechanism. My point in saying that as he doesn’t have close friends anymore. He is not married and his girlfriend has severely progressed MS. She can’t help me much. His brother is 83 and increasingly fragile. My sister doesn’t speak to him so I am all he has. I am overwhelmed because I don’t know where to go or who to talk to. I am 44 and don’t have any friends that have been through this. I am very much alone as his caregiver and I don’t know what to do. As he has gotten older, he has gotten his will in place, including a living will. I don’t remember what this is called, but I can decide whether to take over decision making for him at any time and I don’t need a judge to approve that. He’s also consolidated his finances, and has given me access to all his passwords and his accountant. I’m not worried about that part of it. Engineers are good at preplanning, if nothing else. I just don’t know how to navigate the rest. I am so sad and overwhelmed. Where do I start?

M1

Welcome to the forum; this is a good place to start, because you will learn a lot just by reading other people's experiences. Sounds like you have power of attorney (that's what it's called)--you might want to reread the documents just to be sure.

Given that you are both fairly isolated, I would think early about his living situation and what to plan for there, financially and otherwise. Is he living alone now? Would he and the girlfriend consider moving to an assisted living facility together (sounds like she may need help too)? Can he afford to make such a move? If you're not sure about the finances, you may want to consult a certified elder law attorney, who could not only help you review the documents you have but assist you with qualifying him for long-term Medicaid, if he might need it for facility care in the future (knowing that memory care can run $5000-10,000 per month, and up).

mommyandme (m&m)

You’re not alone anymore because you’re here, although I’m sorry for the need. It’s great your dad set up a lot prior to becoming ill. My mom did the same and it was such a gift.

You might start checking into his finances/bills now without his knowledge. If you can alleviate paper bills/statements soon (doing it online instead) may be helpful. PWD often get suspicious and paranoid about the people closest to them, as if we’re in cahoots with anything/anyone and stealing. Don’t be surprised if this happens to you too. Don’t take it personally although that’s a hard trick.

M1 always has such great experiential advice and beyond. A CELA would be a good place to start.

Here’s a link that has been helpful to many here. When you get to the site just click on “read this book online” under the picture of the book and you’ll get the table of contents. Then underneath the table of contents hit the green arrows to go to the next page.

Hope it helps as you begin your journey.

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580

gretchenep

I’m so sorry. My dad was diagnosed in 2019 at age 74. He’s divorced so my sister moved in with him. It’s so hard to see a parent decline. You are not alone. There are likely local support groups for caregivers and patients (at our local group they call the person with Alzheimer’s “experts” ☺️). Online groups are great, but personal interactions with people going through the same thing can be so helpful. I also suggest you go to his doctors appointments with him, so you can ask questions and get info. My dad’s doctor is not great at giving us info so that has been frustrating. You’ll need to advocate for him. The Dad I knew is already gone. It’s so hard. There’s no getting around that. Be gentle with yourself. I spent a few hours at the library one day reading books because I couldn’t bear to be a person who needed to check out Alzheimer’s books. I couldn’t bring them home. I have since bought a a few. They’ve helped me to know what might be coming next in his progression. Everyone’s journey is different, but you can do this. ❤️