Is Dad ready to transition to an Assisted Living Facility?

cesarbr

Hello everyone. I'm new here. My father was diagnosed with dementia 3+ years ago and has been living with me since then. I consider myself to be fairly patient and laid-back, but my dad has certainly tested these qualities more often recently. Financially, he doesn't qualify for MediCal but we also can't afford a facility that I would feel great about transitioning dad there. I've even considered moving dad to a facility in Tijuana, Mexico. For the time being, I'm keeping him with me, but not sure how sustainable this situation is and want to know if anyone out there has any advice on when is a good time to transition your loved one from your home to an assisted living facility?

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Quilting brings calm

First you need to decide what level of care he needs. An assisted living facility normally provides meals, laundry, housekeeping, activities, transportation to local doctors, medication management, an on site nurse weekdays, some shower help, 24/7 staff for evening and weekend assistance. The staff will assist the residents with things like fixing the tv when they have messed up, getting stuff from high shelves, etc

However most assisted living facilities expect their residents to be able to stay in their apartments for a few hours at a time without supervision. Can your dad be left alone in a bedroom-living room- bathroom combination for that length of time? If not, you may need to be looking at memory care.

Emily 123

Hello,

I agree with the other posters. If caregiving starts to impact your ability to handle your relationships and obligations, and things are starting to feel unmanageable, it's time to start looking at options.

I have tremendous respect for those folks that can keep their parent at home. Sometimes this is forced by a lack of other options. There can be such guilt around not being able to let a parent age in-home. It's hard to flip the parent-child dynamic too. And of course most of us are sympathetic with having the autonomy to stay in our own homes until the end.

I think that the old expectations of a 'good' child being able to keep the parent at home are changing, since nowadays family might not be available to assist with care. Families are more spread out, and most children go into the workforce outside of home at adulthood. That limits the assistance they can give. Too, people with dementia can be relatively healthy otherwise, so you may have a physically active person who requires your constant interaction as the disease progresses, and it's very hard if you're the solo caregiver to be able to work a full time job and caregive.

There was a poster from France here on the spouse forum ('French'). She was able to find a lovely memory care facility for her loved one in Tangiers. While it was away from her, she felt the level of care provided was excellent--the money she saved by opting for caregiving outside of their home country let her select a nicer facility with what was basically one-on-one care for him. Food for thought would be that a move into a non-US facility where everyone communicates in the language that the loved one grew up with could be easier for them long term as the disease progresses and they lose language skills.

Some people feel making the move while their loved one has some capacity to adjust to a new environment is helpful (understanding that it can take weeks to months to develop a new routine because of the short term memory loss). My mom was with me for covid, and wanted to move into a place of her own, but it still took her about 6 weeks to know it was 'her' new home, and 3 months to really settle in. It is a big step, but it sounds like you're there...

harshedbuzz

Have you talked to a certified elder law attorney about Medicaid/Medi-Cal? There are strategies that might be able to qualify him. If you are assuming her doesn't qualify because of income or were told by anyone other than a CELA, please check this out.

There's another rule of thumb here-- by the time family is willing to consider Assisted Living, that cruise has sailed and their LO is appropriate for a Memory Care Facility. If his behavior has risen to a level that challenges your patience, a hospitality-model AL is no longer a place where he could be safe and engaged.

HB

cesarbr

Thank you for such insightful and encouraging comments. I'll be looking at some places starting tomorrow and will be contacting an elder law attorney. Thank you again.