Conflicted In Feelings

McKinneyVA1492

I love my mom dearly. I find it an honor to take care of her as she moves into the mid-stages of Vascular Dementia. But lately, when her mood shifts, and she is very much out of character I find myself screaming inside "Who are you!" In those moments I try to shift the mood and put on light music - she was a classical pianist so sometimes this works and sometimes I just have to walk outside for a while. Do any of you who care for a Vascular Dementia parent ever feel like this? As soon as I walk away, I then feel guilty for my frustrations and that often leads me to feel a sense of deep sadness and that I should be more understanding of this horrid disease. I am in a cycle of caring for mom between caring for kids and trying to work a very stressful job full time. I feel I am losing my professional edge because I am often exhausted - mentally and physically. I have tried grief therapy but found it only helped to a point. There are some very precious moments when my mom, the amazing woman I grew up under is present but then just as fast as she appears, the dementia causes her to disappear before I have had the chance to enjoy a full day of being with my beloved mom as she was prior to this diagnosis. I have neglected myself a lot lately trying to juggle so many things in real time. My family doesn't fully understand Vascular Dementia so it is tough for them to really "get" why her routine cannot be altered without behavioral consequences. Anyone else in this boat? How do you cope?

FallbookBetty1

Hi, my name is Betty, and my mother-in-law is living with us, in the last stage of Alzheimer's. I relate to your post. My mother-in-law has four children who can not care for her because of their jobs, so I quit working as a child development teacher and have been her full-time caregiver for over six months. My husband, her son, is tapped out and can not understand when his mother is in Sundowners. Lately, her nightmares are getting worse, and she can not understand reality and her nightmares. My biggest challenge is trying to keep her calm and support her through her episodes of delirium; she becomes agitated and furious.
Rich's sister supports me by coming two days a week to be with her mother; the doctor prescribed her anxiety medication. All this is excellent support for me as her caregiver, the question I have is when do you know that you have done all you can do, and you feel what you your doing is not enough?
How do you cope when your husband is having difficulty handling his mother's nightmares? He is almost closed off when it comes to caring for his mother.

solerdr

McKinneyVA1492 

I am sorry you are having to experience this in your life's journey at this time in your life.

What you are feeling is natural for you are a human being. It does not matter how patient one may have been in the past, this disease can make and has made MANY of us less patient, left us screaming inside, and feeling frustrated. Thus, please go easy on yourself. Believe you me, I GET IT. I did some things with my father that I felt guilty of later; however, guilt is a useless emotion as it deals with the past. I simply asked God for forgiveness, then I forgave myself, and didn't do it again.

Music is good, walking away is good as well, as long as your mother is not in harm's way, it may be the only way you can keep and remain calm. Another thing I did when it was my turn to care for my father was to physically take one step to the left and say, you are now stepping into his world. I would also remember the countless times he must've been patient with me growing up. Lastly, I remembered to not take anything my father said or did personally, as the person my father was at that time, was not the man, nor father I knew growing up.

I had to let go of who I knew him to be and accept him for who he was at the time of his disease. It was and is the disease and it is not your mother.

Finally, you MUST take care of yourself for if you do not, your health is going to deteriorate. Think about what we are told during the safety briefings on a flight "in the event the oxygen masks deploy, put YOUR mask on FIRST and then help others." If you go down, who is going to take care of you? Your mother? Perhaps it is time to either think about bringing in a home health nurse for a few hours to give you a break or perhaps it is time to move your mother to memory care. We tried the home health care for awhile, and then we ultimately had to move my father to memory care for he needed 24/7 care and it was for his own safety, and for us to be able to get some rest and take care of us.

I hope this helps.

May God's light guide your day and His spirit bring you peace.

McKinneyVA1492

I so appreciate your comments. Sometimes this disease can really make you feel all alone even if others are nearby.