Managing Paranoia from LO

AshA23

Hi all, I'm new here and just needing support. My step-dad started experiencing some memory loss a few years ago. Things like forgetting details of conversations or that the conversations even took place, forgetting the words for things, or needing to hear things repeated. He had pretty good self-awareness about it too. We all expected he would need more support at some point, but didn't realize this is how it would happen.

He showed up to my house unannounced, started barging into various rooms, and accused me of stealing from him. I wasn't actually home, so he was saying all this to my husband. He says he saw me go into his bathroom briefly and soon after couldn't find his eyedrops. While I do borrow things from time to time or use medication at their house (like advil or pepto or something), I always ask beforehand and would never just take his eyedrops. He also says he could see us on the front security camera, laughing as we got into the car and that he knows we were laughing at him. He threatened to contact a governing body for my work license if no one "takes my behavior seriously."

I am devastated. I have had a really good relationship with him for a long time. I recently moved closer to him and my mom because we have such a good relationship with them. I know that it isn't personal - it's likely connected to Alz or a similar condition and not really about me. But I feel so many different emotions all together - sad, heartbroken, hurt, angry, and scared.

At this point, he hasn't been willing to go get evaluated or to see this recent incident as problematic. Luckily, my mom is devoted to getting him evaluated and figuring this out. But right now, I'm not allowed over at my mom's house. I feel scared about running into him in public. I keep worrying that I did something before this that made him upset with me, but this is what he's focused on. I would really appreciate any words of wisdom or experience...

Emily 123

Hi Ash, sorry you're here...

This really helped me understand what was going on with my mom better:

https://www.smashwords.com/extreader/read/210580/2/understanding-the-dementia-experience/Medium,Arial,Black,White,One-and-a-Half

Your stepdad's dementia is progressing and affecting more of his brain. While memory loss is an early and outward sign of the disease, behind the scenes there's also a lot of other not-so-obvious things being affected, like the ability to think logically, and the ability to process information & handle emotions. Dementia will also affect the areas of the brain that handle visual and auditory input, sometimes creating a hallucination. Think of it as if the brain connections that let us get through an ordinary day are shorting out. Sometimes when that happens the person may access an old memory but think it's something that happened today, because their short term memory isn't working anymore.

Because a person with dementia can hang on to their ability to interact with others it may not be apparent, unless you live with them, how much of their ability to do everyday things has been lost A person can have good and bad days, and they may be able to appear as usual to all but their closest family initially.

All of this is caused by the dementia, none of it is personal. That said, sometimes there can be a negative response to a caregiver, and if that's the case it's ok to make yourself scarce. It's not you, it's the disease. One of the best ways to handle this is to learn as much as you can about it. Lots of great threads here-if your mom isn't here, she would be welcomed to come browse. The folks in the spouse section are amazing.

If she can get him to the doctor (and she doesn't have to tell him it's because there's an issue, because he may not see the need) the provider could order some meds to help him be more settled. Many people here have talked to the provider ahead of time about the 'real' reason for a 'check up'.

These are good, and can lead you down the rabbit hole...

best wishes,

Delusions and hallucinations: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x_-tTOSL_UM

5 losses: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awBm4S9NwJ0

Anosognosia https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5nw3YUDQJuY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dmPQLf9IUNI

Talking to a parent: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oiUpztj2DkQ

Moderate stage: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cZTgG6kDjs

towhee

Hi Ash, welcome to the forum. Emily has given you good information and resources. It is unlikely that anything you did contributed to this, it is just the dementia. If this is a sudden ramp up in behavior, your mom might get him checked for a urinary tract infection, sometimes physical problems create behavior problems. This must have been so unexpected that it is no wonder you were scared. I still remember taking my LO for a physical, which went fine, and then the next morning they were furious at me and accusing me of not leaving the exam room which caused the doctor not to do the physical. Nothing I said could get them to believe otherwise. I still remember the cold horrified grief I felt that not only was my LO losing their memory, but I could no longer depend on them to be rational. The not believing what you say does not depend on relationship either, my LO worshipped the ground my sibling walked on, but still believed my sibling threw their clothes away. My LO cried for half an hour before I could get them distracted. I think what triggered that one was me taking some dirty clothes and putting them in the wash. I am glad you reached out to the forum, the Alzheimer's Assoc helpline is also good to call, no matter what time, I know I called them more than once.

SusanB-dil

Hi AshA - welcome to 'here' but sorry for the reason.

I agree - it wasn't anything you did or even didn't do. Reasoning is broken. It is easy to say 'don't take it personal', but it is true - he can't help it. (and he may not even remember any of it) Your mom may be able to tell his doc ahead of time of what has transpired and maybe get something for agitation, and also maybe check for UTI.

So sorry you and your family are dealing with 'this'. Do check out the links that Emily put up.

SusanB-dil

AshA - 'he showed up unannounced'... Is he still driving? If so, please take another look at that, and maybe check some past posts on that issue.

martymar99

My dad had that when he was in the mild or moderate dementia. He accused me and his bank of stealing money from him. I had to manage his fiances for him and I was paying his bills only from his checking account.

My dad refused to get evaluated or do any tests but now he's in end stage dementia.

Don't take it personally as it's a part of the disease
.