Mom thinks we live in an identical home across town

valerieorr

Mom (MIL) was diagnosed with dementia, most likely Alzheimer's, last November. My husband and I moved in with her about 2 months ago. Dad passed away last June. A number of months ago Mom would tell us about Dad working on a house across town that was identical in every way, inside and out, to her house. She marveled at it and wondered why anyone would build a house like that. It even has the same address. However, now she thinks we have moved into that house, so there are times (sometimes several times a week) that she is ready to go back home. Previously, friends and relatives who were supporting her would take her for a short ride and bring her back, and she was fine. We tried that and it worked for a time, but now she says we aren't going in the right direction and if we didn't want to take her home, she'd just walk there herself (Fortunately, we have been able to avoid this). Now she calls relatives and friends to come take her home.

How do I explain why my husband and I are in her home when she " gets back home"?

harshedbuzz

@valerieorr

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here, but I am glad you found this place.

My dad had a similar delusion about multiple identical houses. Initially, it was that he had 2 identical houses. He did have 2 homes but they weren't identical and they weren't in the states he said they were. After I moved my parents to a 55+ community near me, he believed he owned all the homes on the street were his. They were pretty close to identical but he said they were very different inside and that he slept in a different one nightly.

Try to explain she is home comes uncomfortably close to breaking the cardinal rule of dementia fight club-- don't try to reason with a person who has a broken reasoner. Her desire to "go home" is probably more a desire to return to a time when her life was better-- back to a time when people she loves hadn't passed on and things weren't so difficult and confusing. A lot of people gently deflect to a vague future time-- "That would be nice. I can't take you now, but we can go after the weather clears up. I think we have cookies, let's have some".

HB

easy23

Sorry you are going through this. I am going through the same thing with my husband and it is very stressful.

I wouldn't worry about her questioning why you are in her house when she gets "back home." If she happens to notice, just make up a story about why you are there and she will probably believe it.

valerieorr

Thank you for your suggestions. Additionally what makes it more difficult for us is that she has not been one to be "deflected". We've made up reasons why we can't go just now and let's do something else (finish listening to a program she likes, for example), and if she goes along with it, she is ready to go once it's over. She has even unwillingly gone to bed in one of "our" bedrooms and the next morning is ready to leave. I think somewhere in her mind she knows we don't belong in her house and it's causing some anxiety, although she would call her relatives and neighbors before we got there asking to go home, too. She just now doesn't seem "relieved" unless someone (other than us) actually comes and takes her someplace rather than trying to get her to maybe forget about it. It's amazing what she will remember short and long term!

JeriLynn66

? Is it possible to discuss medications with her physician??

cascheer

Try to change the subject and she will maybe forget about wanting to go somewhere. Distractions of TV or watching a movie sometimes help.

valerieorr

when Mom is wanting to go home, we haven't found a distraction that works. Her sisters told her last week, after she told us to get out and go to our house, that we stay with her and that's how it has to be. they reminded her that her mother had to have someone with her, too.

she has started calling relatives to come pick her up and take her home. what do we do? hide in the bedroom? we left one time and came in after she got home and she was angry that we came in her house after she's in bed and without ringing the bell.

she has been prescribed medications and refuses to take them. putting them in food is not feasible as she doesn't always want to eat what we eat or makes her own plate, so we can't put anything in it. Also, one pill is definitely for night time and the other can be most any time. I would think that they would leave a bitter taste.

help!

gerryo73

It is heartbreaking to go through this. My husband of 53 years is always asking when he is going home. He is blind, middle stage dementia and unable to walk without a walker. I assure him he is safe where we are and will take him home tomorrow. He gets agitated that I don't take him but accepts it. Best of luck.

valerieorr

My husband and I must not be very good at coming up with redirections and fiblets because they don't seem to work very well when we try them when she wants to go "home". She wanted to go home but then sprained her ankle, so accepted our assistance in caring for her. After 2 days she decided it felt much better and she needed to go home. We tried redirecting her, suggesting we'd go a bit later, etc. and she became even more insistent and agitated. Her SIL came over and they had a nice visit, but she had all these bags with clothes in them to take home after the visit. The visit seemed to help, but by the next morning she was already starting to say something about going home.

We don't know what to do...what used to work isn't and it seems she's only satisfied if someone other than my husband come by to take her home. Maybe I'm being too rational in thinking she is feeling some frustration and agitation with us being here with her now as she brings up that she's lived alone for years (1 year since Dad passed, and sometimes she speaks of him as though he's still here, but not at the house) and doesn't want anyone here with her.

We are dreading every time she says she wants to go home because nothing seems to sway her and she will grab some of her things and start walking home (although we only made it to the corner last time). Haven't been able to get through the last couple time to the ALZ hotline, but will be trying again when I can talk when my husband's here.

Thanks for any other suggestions!

ATS2

I feel your frustration. My mother is a very strong willed and determined woman. She is 82 and has lived by herself since 1999 when my Dad passed. She has all the signs of Dementia but has not been diagnosed for it, because she refuses to be tested. We have had several episodes where she wants to go home to her house and has attempted to drive or walk there on her own. We live on an island, but she thinks its a different one.

She is very combative and always accuses my sister and I of trying to trick her and we are holding her in this unit that looks like where she used to live. Same pictures, address, furniture, even her car is in the garage but its not her house. She has thrown us out and told us not to come around, she wants nothing to do with us on several occasions. Have made police reports when she has her episodes. We have gotten no help, the excuse is she has not been diagnosed. We feel as though our hands are tied.

candyexpress1972

I am going through the same situation with my grandmother. She is 91 and is living in her house of 40 years and she thinks it is not her house. Reading over the other comments, this all sounds the same thing I deal with every day with her. We have tried to take her out every weekend, the next day she starts again. It is just like living with an old toddler.

mommyandme (m&m)

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/66534/mom-thinks-we-live-in-an-identical-home-across-town

What about telling her something is wrong with your house. It’s being remodeled or it got flooded or something and it needs renovation. “We need to stay here with you in your home, pretty please, until our house is safe to live in?” Taking blame for things even when not your fault, lots of thank you’s and I love you’s, validation of her feelings, then redirection, may go a long way…did for me.

My mom also said she wanted to go “home”. She’d often look down the hall towards the bedroom. Most of the time I equated it with wanting to feel comfortable.

Sorry for all these struggles. This disease is disgusting!