Won’t Go to the Dr./won’t get an assessment

Barb0910

I am curious what ideas people have for facilitating an assessment for someone who probably understands that something is going on, but refuses to go to the doctor, and likely doesn’t want to do that because she is aware an assessment would happen. (the phrase - “you are trying to commit me has come up quite a bit lately.”)

A bit of background, this is for my stepmother, a 76 old retired nurse… She is extremely private, and recently had surgery, and basically refused home health care, and will not at all listen to the idea of a private duty service either.

My father is 82 years old and has heart disease, and it is not sustainable for him to continue to try to care for her.

Recently, on a visit, I uncovered a financial mess, and evidence of cognitive behavior changes, and realized that something needs to be done ASAP.

as if the story couldn’t get worse, while there is a simple will… It is not backed up by any other legal documents that would make it a sound financial estate plan. There are no POA’s/DPOA’s . During my visit, there were several financial transactions that were quite scary, including transferring large sums of money on the same day that were not necessary.

My father has asked for all of us, children to assist…I am a four hour plane ride away, there are five other children, but we are spread around the country and only one sibling is nearby with her own family struggles.

We all recognize this is a huge journey, and until my stepmother can be assessed and can cooperate, we feel very much in the dark, as to what this journey will look like.

Thanks for your input ~

P.S. has anyone experienced a violent outburst when someone comes into the home, and how have you dealt with that.?

machelriller

I would definitely work on getting the POA for your dad at least as soon as possible. It sounds like he might be more willing.

My mom passed a few years ago after an extended illness and she refused any help that wasn’t from family. But I have often imagined how I would have gone back and handled that situation knowing what I know now. I think I would have played my parents off of each other. “Mom, would you consider assisted living? It would really help with dad’s memory.” “Dad, I think you and mom should move into assisted living so she can get more help.” Could something like that work in your situation? Tell your stepmother the home health care is for your dad?

A lot of people here talk about “compassionate fibs.” It feels awful but we really do have to lie to our loved ones with dementia to get them the care they need.

SDianeL

Read the book "The 36 Hour Day" which helped me so much with my DH who has Alzheimer's. Definitely get a DPOA. I told my husband I needed it to take care of him if anything happened and to make financial decisions and pay the bills. Also get your Dad to get one so you can speak for him. Speak to an Elder Care attorney. You can petition the court for Guardianship if she refuses to sign a DPOA. I found a link to info on this website about Guardianship that might help. For the evaluation, speak to her PCP and explain your concerns. The PCP can do a quick test and refer her to a Neurologist for further testing. I told my husband that he was going to different doctors for his brain. It may be much more difficult since your stepmother is a nurse but fib if you have to. The link for Guardianship: https://www.alz.org/help-support/caregiving/financial-legal-planning/legal-documents

Jeanne C.

The tricky part is getting your loved one to a doctor for assessment. Often PWDs do not understand that they are ill (learn about anosognosia). Here's an article I found helpful. It's called the LEAP method (listen, empathize, agree, partner). The article is written with a focus on addiction and mental health but I still think it's relevant.

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/family-caregiving/how-to-help-someone-with-mental-illness-accept-treatment.htm

JeriLynn66

Could you use a fiblet and tell her the insurance will cancel unless she goes for her “wellness “ appointment??