How to hold a conversation with a relative who has dementia?

norwsn

I have a relative who was first diagnosed with dementia a few years ago and over the last few years I have noticed it is becoming increasingly difficult to maintain a two way conversations with her. I feel awkward about asking too many questions as I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable and she is quick to hang up the phone and end a conversation.



It feels like she is often on edge and not relaxed when having conversations - someone I spoke to recently has mentioned looking through photos together to have something to focus on. I'm not sure if this would make it more difficult if she weren't to recognize the photos etc.?



Has anyone tried this? Any advice would be much appreciated thanks :)

Jane (daughter)

Hi,
I use photos with my Mum every time I visit her. When my Mum was first diagnosed I came across the importance of LifeStory work. It was a lot of fun to look through old photos together, and I learned so much more about my Mum in the process. Now her dementia has progressed she doesn't always recognise the people in some of the photos, so I've reduced the set to just a few that I know will trigger old memories. She never seems to mind going over the same photos each time. Repetition seems to make her more secure and definitely helps me feel connected with her. I would say give it a try with your relative.
Perhaps start with photos that involve you, so you can talk around the photos. Your relative is likely to remember the older photos better than the more recent ones. I hope that helps!

JDancer

My MIL and I had some great conversations early in her dementia journey. I would get the ball rolling with "I remember when..." or "Kevin (her son) told me..." She often jumped in and talked in detail about her early life and marriage. I felt like a learned a lot of family history. Now that my DH has dementia and I listen to some of the stories he tells, I realize my MIL may not have been telling the "truth." But we spent pleasant hours together and I'm grateful for every minute.

M1

I would add that telephone conversations become increasingly difficult over time because she may not be sure who she's talking to without more clues. If you're calling to "stay in touch," i honestly wouldn't persist because she likely won't remember the call anyway. But photos do work well for in person visits, i also use them on a daily basis with my partner who no longer remembers the home she built us, our pets, or any of our family members. When she sees pictures it helps for a few minutes.

dancsfo

Maybe you have some objects from the past, like an heirloom, or a souvenir? Perhaps those can be coupled with a photo (of let's say a vacation or holiday trip where you got the souvenir).

I realize it's hard to predict, but it's be useful to avoid objects that can trigger not so great memories of people or events. Or things that are hard to remember. What if I saw a photo of myself in an event I no longer remember? I'd just show them briefly to see if if seems to delight the person, and continue if it does bring some joy or good memories. If not, go on to the next item.

Iris L.

I used to telephone my late cousin on a weekly basis. I'm sure she didn't know how I was related to her. I used to regale her with stories about myself and my cats and talk about the weather. She was markedly limited to have a back and forth conversation. Sometimes I had to make up stories about myself, because I knew my actual life would have been hard for her to follow. So basically, I made up stories about going shopping or something like that.

I telephoned for myself and to give her a break in her routine. If I had a question about her care, I would call back and ask her caregivers. She never asked about me or mentioned any family members except her sister and my mother, both of whom were long deceased, and her daughter. But sometimes, she would surprise me and say something relevant. One time she kept asking why her daughter, who lived out of town, had not come to visit her. I said, she has an important job and can't get get away. My cousin said, "everybody thinks their job is important!" How insightful! But another time, the caregiver said, it's your cousin on the phone. She said, "what's a cousin?"

A few weeks before she died I had to stop speaking with my cousin because she was unable to understand the telephone. But I continued to call the caregivers to see how she was doing.

Suggestion: avoid asking questions, because she cannot answer. If she repeats herself, just go with it. Realize that most of the conversation will be on your end.

Iris

Jgirl57

I agree with Iris; asking questions to PWD becomes difficult because they do not know the answers to even simple questions and end up feeling frustrated and confused.

harshedbuzz

IME, the art of conversational volley is pretty much gone by stage 6 even if the PWD remains very verbal. In part this is related to the loss of empathy associated with dementia. It might help to change your expectations to being with the PWD rather than conversing.

Dad was generally happy for a visit and chatty, but it was mostly him telling me things-- sometimes wildly conflated stories or retelling of the same event on an endless loop. Sometimes he'd me for updates on long dead relatives or friends from decades ago. Sometimes he was happiest to listen to me retell him funny stories about the people he was thinking about-- especially my late sister who'd been his favorite. One thing that helped me was to never come empty handed. I always brought a serving of a favorite meal I'd made at home, a hot coffee and donut from Dunkin, cookies, etc.

HB