Sandwich generation - having a baby while caregiving for dementia

machelriller

Hi everyone, I have posted a few times here before and this forum has been so helpful. My dad (77, mid stage 5) moved to memory care in September. He has adjusted really well. He doesn't remember home or ask to leave, he is always engaged in activities when I visit, the staff love him, and I think he has made some friends with the other residents. I am so lucky and grateful that my dad is an easy patient with an easygoing and content personality. But I struggle when I visit him. I try to go twice a week, but I always leave feeling depressed. I just miss my old dad and also feel so guilty that he's in memory care even though I know it's the best place for him. I moved him several states away to be closer to me, so we don't have a lot of local family, and I feel very responsible for visiting frequently.

I'm 35, and my wife and I want to have baby (I will be pregnant). We've already been working with a fertility clinic and all we have to do is schedule our first transfer. I'm really excited, and I'm really grateful that my dad will get to meet his grandchild, even if he won't totally understand. My mom passed in 2020, and my in-laws live across the country, so we're going to be doing this without a lot of family support, although we do have an amazing community of friends.

I'm just feeling scared about the weight of all this responsibility. We have a local family friend, and I'm planning to ask her to spend extra time with my dad my first few weeks postpartum, when I won't be able to easily visit. I might also ask our friends and family from my dad's home state to come during this time. Has anyone else experienced this? How can I provide care for my dad while I'm going to be caring for a newborn? How can I be present with my wife and future baby on when I feel so worried and sad for my dad all the time? I want to focus on the excitement and joy of my next stage of life, but I feel so much worry too.

M1

Congratulations on such a big important step in your life.

It's understandable to want to plan ahead, but don't borrow trouble. A lot could happen in the interim that may affect your plans. I'm a primary care and infectious disease doc, and I would also remind you to be careful about visiting when you're pregnant, you'll want to be especially careful about flu and covid exposure and vaccination. Unfortunately memory care facilities are setups for outbreaks because the residents typically don't/can't mask.

I think it's also understandable to be yearning for family support for yourself, and it's perfectly okay to grieve if you don't have it to the degree you would wish. But very little about childbearing and rearing lives up to the Hallmark hype. I hope it all goes well for you and your wife.

SusanB-dil

Hi machelriller - I totally second what M1 has posted...

just adding - yes, it is hard to see our LO as not the person they were before. You are basically grieving the dad you used to know. This isn't unusual, but hate you had to join that part of it that none of us signed up for.

As far as not visiting quite so much, depending on the stage, he may not even realize you are not there as much. I know not visiting my mom bothers me more than it bothers her... just a thought. (she also thinks I am her sister, but kind of beside the point here) In any case, your dad is blessed to have you in his life and watching out for him.

machelriller

Thank you both for these comments. I think it's probably true that I'm trying to control for a future that is far away, and has too many unknowns!