Sadness and acceptance of my grandmothers late stage dementia.

brooklynfirestone

I’ve joined this support group in efforts to make peace with acceptance.
I would like to share an experience I had today with a beloved family member of mine with Alzheimer’s disease. In hopes that sharing, communicating it with someone will help bring some peace.
My beautiful grandmother, Peggy, has been going through the stages of Alzheimer’s for years now. It began with losing items around the house, forgetting small things, and struggling to keep a conversation going.
I understood what was happening because her mother, my great grandmother Lulu, lived with Alzheimer’s as well. She passed at almost 90 years old. With that said, It is generational.
I moved out of town around that time, went to college, started my own venture off into the world. I wasn’t able to be as present for her as much as I should have been. I am now facing the guilt of that decision. Unfortunately, I let a couple years go by without any in person visitations with her. I would think about her all of the time, worrying. Whenever I would call, she was not present in the conversation. Just recently I decided to move back to my hometown, and i’ve been so scared to see her in this declining condition. Sadly, I think that avoidance was my way of coping knowing that her condition has been worsening. When in all honesty, I should have been there for those years that I wasn’t. Last night I had a very vivid dream of visiting her, and her being disappointed in me for not being there for her, but not knowing who I am.
Today, I finally made the decision to not let my fears keep me away from her any longer. I brought with me my grandpa, flowers, a sentimental handwritten card, and some photographs of us from when I was a baby. Walking into the home and looking at her, I could feel my body overflowing with sadness. She was barely recognizable. Her hair had been cut shoulder length, she looked so small and skinny. All I could do was give her a hug and tell her that I’ve missed her.
I sat down, trying to hold it together so you couldn’t see me crying. I could feel her looking at me, and hoped that she recognized and remembered me. Within minutes I had to go to the restroom because the tears wouldn’t stop, and they never did. She saw the pictures i gave to her, and I’m unsure if she recognized herself or her mother in them. I sincerely hope that she did.
Speaking with her and her husband/caregiver, Bill, asked me if i’d be willing to watch over her on Wednesdays and he would pay me. He is her full time caregiver washing her hair, getting her dressed, cooking, and everything else i assume. I could not answer in that moment as I was so emotionally distraught, but I told him I would let him know, but would not accept any payment for doing so.
I turn my attention back to Peggy, She kept speaking sentences that didn’t make any sense, not forming words correctly. Of course I pretended I knew what she was talking about, and tried to hold it together. She kept asking “What are we doing? Where are we going?”
Eventually she stood up, walked over to me, kissed me on the head, and started speaking inaudible words. I couldn’t hold it together anymore at that point. I looked up at her crying, held her hand and put it to my face and told her that I love her and I’ve missed her. In that moment i believe she could feel what I was feeling.
My grandpa had to step out because it was a very emotional moment.
He was trying to stay strong for me. I knew that seeing her today was going to be the hardest part of acceptance. As we were leaving and out front, she couldn’t form sentences, but did say that she wanted to leave with us. I gave her a hug and she gave me a kiss goodbye. She hugged my Papa John and told him he’s a sweet man.
My grandpa and I cried the entire ride home, because we knew that her condition is worse than we expected.
They were married 20 years, have two kids, built that house together, they spent the best years of their lives together.
Seeing her in this condition has completely broke my heart, which is a feeling I know you’ve all experienced.
As broken as my heart is to see her like this, I am going to spend more time with her, nobody else in our family has made any efforts so I am. I do want to talk to Bill about hiring an in-home caregiver for her.
Alzheimer’s is absolutely the worst thing anyone has to watch someone go through.
Thank you for reading and I’m sending prayers to all of you.

M1

Hi Brooklyn, welcome. This is hard for everyone. However, i don't think you should beat yourself up about your decisions to move away and pursue your own things-i have granddaughters, and I absolutely want them to go live their lives when it's time. I Know they love me, regardless, and they don't have to prove it to me, they don't owe me anything. I bet your grandmother would feel the same way.

Take your time before you commit to hands-on caregiving. It is not easy and it's not for everyone. You would definitely have to have your emotions under control.

Would add that if you read a lot of discussions here, you'll learn a lot. There are other grandchildren who post occasionally.