Father caring for mother

JJPups

Is anyone like me in a situation in which their father is caring for their mother with Alzheimer's? I am the only daughter (one sibling is deceased, the other is not physically well and not emotionally suited to helping the way that I do). My father, in his 80s, is amazing in many ways as a caregiver (especially in his communication style with mom), but there are times I wish he could be more attentive to her overall hygiene and day to day care. I am trying very hard to get them consistent help at home beyond my many frequent stops (this is an ongoing challenge). I even went to great lengths in the past year to move them closer to me (most of this work fell on me). I am now helping him with making sure she is showered / bathed at least on a weekly basis as that had stopped altogether in the past year. I am wondering if roles were reversed (mom caring for dad), if I would have to be as hands on as I am. Though I know it could be a lot worse because at least my dad knows how to cook, clean, pay bills and take care of the basics. I also sometimes think he is just "checked out" in order to cope with such an overwhelming situation. It is very hard and she was always the one to take care of people.

M1

Welcome to the forum. Sounds like yourdad is not up to it any longer. Do you hold their powers of attorney? Maybe its time to consider a move to assisted living together or memory care for your mom.

johnbarrs

I am new to this forum and caring for a family member with Alzheimer’s. I would tend to think if the roles were reversed that your mom would take care of your dad in a more nurturing way, making sure his personal hygiene was taken care of also. I am an only child, and when my father was alive, my mom tended to his medical needs as well as making sure he was taken care of. When my father passed in February is when I started to notice, and my family started to notice a change in mom’s cognitive functions. Sounds like you definitely may have to do some intervention and access the situation and do what’s best for all involved! Will be praying and thinking of you!

Lynn24

if it is not your desire to place your mom into a facility, there are many caregivers that are very gifted at what they do. I admitted my mother to Hospice comfort care services, of which we have a hospice aide come to the house twice a week to help out with bathing and personal hygiene. Hospice will also provide a case manager, Registered nurse that will come out twice a week, to coordinate with the physician for any medical needs or concerns. They also provide a social worker. This service has been a God send for our family, as we are provided help for her since we moved her into our home. Reach out to local Hospice in your community and they will come out to evaluate your mother. Also Medicare pays for all Hospice services. Hope this helps. Many blessings on your journey.

JJPups

I am told in the state where we live (because of how they screen for nursing home admission), because she is not yet experiencing regular incontinence (she has episodes of incontinence but still taking herself to the bathroom) and is still ambulatory, feeding herself, she does not qualify for a nursing home. She could qualify for assisted living memory care, but my parents do not have the money for that and I think she would be short lived in that setting (she would decline fast I think, so not worth it). We are in the process of getting Medicaid for her to pay for caregivers at home but it will take time. They have also been paying privately for caregivers, but finding anyone reliable is so far a chore until Medicaid kicks in (and even then they will still have to pay privately because of poor reimbursement of Medicaid). My parents are not well off and did not save much for retirement. Hospice is a great tip with Medicare coverage. I'm not sure we are there yet, but I also believe my mom is more advanced than what it seems and has entered possible Stage 6 in the last year, so who knows. She has declined a lot in just two years and I feel like her becoming incontinent is going to be the "deal breaker" in all this. So it is a far from imperfect situation for now. Thanks for the responses.

Anonymousjpl123

tough situation. Even if your dad is still functioning, he may not be up for the enormous task of caretaking, and managing your mom’s needs. Have you talked with him at all? My dad passed before my mom got worse, but I’m sure if he had lived longer we would have had to push for this. In hindsight, things were already starting to move in that direction. I hope your dad can accept some help. If you bring it up, you may be surprised at his openness.

Also in terms of Power of attorney, if that’s not set up I would highly recommend it. You can frame it as a normal part of updating documents. Not easy, but it’s good you’re helping now so you have a sense of what’s really going on.

JJPups

Yeah, got POA done before the veil completely fell over my mom a couple of years ago. So that is good. All the legal stuff is settled, just needing to shore up better the caregiving arrangement. In fact, dad should not have to be shouldering the burden quite as much as he does and is open to more help. I help as much as possible, using FMLA and lots of my own personal leave and free time. But that is not sustainable for me and of course other family members who could help generally don't offer (unless we pin them down to do it). But I also think he doesn't quite see the forest through the trees some days of how much help he could use and seems to have settled for the status quo in certain ways.