Memory care fears

Buggytoo

I have had my stage 6 DH on waiting lists for two small residential memory care homes. I just got word that one of them is likely to have an opening in two months or so. Immediately my fears skyrocketed about whether my husband will think I have betrayed him when I have him move. He is cognizant in the moment but doesn't really carry anything from moment to moment. He is very attached to me and I have no freedom that doesn't come with a high price of him being upset with me. He's been plagued with delusions and outbursts that are not under control yet. He has recently begun to become incontinent. How is this likely to unfold? How can I get ready for this next stage? I am working intensely with Dr. to address behaviors, am seeing a very competent therapist, and am in a support group.

Pdxnewbie

Best of luck. My experience did not go well as I had hoped my wife would connect with residents at a social level but that did not happen. Very few of the residents were capable of that type of interaction.

We brought her home after 12 days and she has stabilized with the help of home health care folks. From the posts I have been reading it is clear that every experience will vary regardless of the expense of the memory care facility. I have the luxury of being able to care for my wife at home but I know others do not have that option.

M1

Remember that our fears can be thought distortions. It might end up going well. There is as much a chance of a good outcome as a bad one.

sandwichone123

My dh had a difficult transition, and still (after 18 months) wants to come back home, but he knows that where he is is home for now, and he gets along with the staff and residents (except that one, of course). He has much better care and more stimulation than I would be able to manage at home, and my life has much more variety. I still see him twice a week, and am able to take him out on Sundays (although that window is closing).

harshedbuzz

@Buggytoo

It's great that you're working to get his anxiety that's driving behaviors under the best control possible. He'll have a better transition with an effective medication regimen on board and potentially avoid being moved after being asked to leave.

Our experience was similar to what you're describing. Dad was not an easy going and pleasant PWD and he didn't always cooperate with his care. On return from short respite breaks, even once mom found a HHA he liked, she paid a heavy price in delusional accusations and agitated behavior. Mom was dad's "person" and he was loathe to share her with or accept care from others at all. Like you she felt trapped and it impacted her well being as she became so depressed she didn't attend to her own needs.

Still, placement is never and easy decision and she resisted for longer than perhaps she should have. We went with a fiblet that his doctor ordered rehab as we didn't have the heart to go along with this as a permanent placement. This also allowed us to validate his frustration but remind him the doctor would decide when he could come home.

His transition was rocky for a week or two. He was angry and vocal about it. We had to limit visits to public spaces where he'd behave a bit better; I took her the first week so that I could whisk her out of these when things heated up or he tried to get her back to his room to excoriate her. Around day 10, he settled down considerably and bonded with the HHAs who he saw as professionals trying to help him get better. After that, mom could enjoy her visits just being his wife which was nice.

Transitions don't always go badly. My aunt had been living alone when she was diagnosed. For a time, she was in a friend's home with a 24/7 caregiver. Both families decided that their LOs needed to be closer to their POAs and ant went to a very nice MCF where she positively blossomed. She enjoyed the social engagement and activities. Her facility offered a range of care, so early on she was included with the AL folks during the day for the first 2 years as she could still keep up with their crafts and loved their lunches out.

You may be surprised by how well things turn out once he settles in if the MCF is a good one.

HB

ghphotog

My experience with my DW has been mostly positive. It does seem that she is declining fast now but the staff seem to be great and she is involved with the activities. She does cry when she sees me and wants to leave with me right away. Sometimes I take her out for a while and we have a great time with each other. It's hard taking her back but for the most part she doesn't know where we are when we pull in to the MC parking lot. I walk her in and the staff usually greet her with smiles and take it from there. There is some drama but for the most part she is doing much better than expected. The food is horrible though. She's recovering from both a fall and covid and seems to digressing fairly fast. I'm still conflicted most days on if there is any way I can bring her home and just hire inhome health aids. Still considering that option.

RickM

I still think about bringing my LO home every day. But I don't. This is a disease that affects at least two people. I visit her almost every day. I get to go home every night. I will survive. She won't.