Highly Paranoid MIL Refuses Help

ChrisNY

New here, big venting coming up. Sorry and thanks:

My 92yr old MIL has been getting consistently more symptomatic over the past few months. Her PCP called it "age-related dementia" and left it at that. She has since come to state that she's never visited that doctor (she was actually a patient for nearly two years) and is highly reluctant to go to any doctors.

For some context, the relationship between her and my DW (the only child) has always been strained, to put it mildly. MIL has recently been saying DW and I are "plotting against her," going so far as to tell her downstairs neighbor that "if anything happens to me, it wasn't an accident and you know where to start looking." (Neighbor is a friend and understands her condition, so she alerted us to the behavior).

MIL lives alone in an apartment, drives (several recent fender benders w/ parked cars), and believes DW and I enter her home when she's not there to rearrange her pens and papers, turn on water faucets, hide her pocketbook in the trunk of her car, etc.

DW is the health care proxy, but there's no POA in place. Several years ago, we broached the general topic of long-term planning and MIL said, "No, you're trying to get rid of me."

DW was able to be added to one checking account to help pay monthly bills, but there are (at least) two savings accounts at different banks that are, as MIL says, "None of your business."

We're beyond concerned because she keeps saying she has "no money," but a single statement we found from 2022 indicates she should have a certain (not insignificant) amount. She says she's never gotten any recent statements and will not visit the bank to get current info.

Neighbor has also told us that she's seen her go to the store and hand the clerk her wallet, telling them to take the right amount of money.

DW is already getting burned out from trying to help someone who is adamantly refusing help. It feels like a trainwreck that we see coming from miles away, while we're handcuffed just watching it happen.

Iris L.

Welcome Chris. Before you go any farther, please learn about anosognosia. Your MIL has no awareness that she has dementia. Anosognosia is a characteristic of dementia. You will have to learn the work-arounds that the members use. Do not discuss dementia or Alzheimer's with her.

Iris

M1

Welcome to the forum. Sounds like you need to pursue guardianship as soon as possible. And find a way to disable her car, even if you have to put a steering wheel lock on it. The costs of pursuing guardianship will be recouped from her funds.

H1235

I would see an cela as soon as possible. I think you will need to get guardianship. I would do what ever it takes to keep her off the road! My suggestion is don’t even bother to tell her she can’t drive ( that will only make things worse ). Just take something important off the engine so it won’t start! If she has a healthcare proxy, could your wife contact the doctor, explain what is happening and see if he has any suggestions. You might also look into adult protective services. I don’t have any experience with that, but I’m sure someone here will be able to give you more information on that. I think it would be a good idea to document each incident with a date and what happened. This might come in handy when talking with the attorney or doctor. The behaviors you are describing are not uncommon. Reasoning with her will not work! I know it feels wrong but doing things behind her back to protect her and keep her safe is not only ok it necessary. You and your wife have a rough road ahead. This is a great place to get advice and vent frustrations.

ButterflyWings

This is possibly not legal so I'm just sharing it here as food for thought.

In addition to pursuing emergency guardianship due to the dangerous situation with driving, dementia diagnosis (is it documented?) and urgent risk of financial exploitation of an endangered elder, it would not hurt to see if you can start online access to her bank account based on the statement you found, just to have eyes on it.

The 2nd part of that sentence is what may or may not be technically legal, I do not know. I did this for my DH as soon as we got the diagnosis and POAs, but would have done it anyway because he was hemorraghing money and it was necessary for his protection and mine. You also should put a credit freeze on all 3 credit agencies so she, or a predator, cannot take out loans or make major purchases with her identity.

Playing nice on your part and respecting her wishes to remain in charge — that train has left the station and I agree to disable and disappear the car like yesterday, and not discuss everything with her any more. Anosognosia. The predators will not play nice and respect her privacy so I think LOs have to be creative, try to stay legal lol, but move quickly to protect her and possibly your DW who might be considered negligent if someone else calls APS at some point soon.

forbarbara

ChrisNY I’m glad you found this forum - so much good advice and support here. You can also use the Alzheimer’s Association helpline to help find resources, make a game plan etc. They help regardless of whether the PWD has Alzheimer’s.
My MIL’s doctor was worse than useless, telling her she could live independently and drive long after she should have stopped. My big mistake was thinking he knew what he was talking about. Please consider finding a way to get another doctor involved, even if it means you tell your MIL lots of fiblets.
good luck and stay in touch.