Moving home

tdyberra

So, I’m moving back home to help out. I’m an only child and my dad is having trouble taking care of my mom on his own. She fell at the beginning of this year and broke her foot and her shoulder. I ended up taking FMLA to help through her healing. I’m hoping that moving home will help me feel less exhausted. I went back to work in April and I’m struggling. I can’t even keep up with my own laundry. I’m mourning my mom, the loss of my independence and feeling like my life is going to be out on pause. I’m single, no kids and I feel like finding a parter for myself is now forever out of reach. Who’s gonna wanna date me now? My mind is made up because she doesn’t qualify for any assistance and I can’t afford to pay out of pocket. They’re on social security so they can’t afford it either. So here we are. Anyone moved home and had a really positive experience?

mabelgirl

I wish I had something positive to share with you. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone in your feelings and being an only child is especially hard. Do you have cousins or close friends you can speak with? Honestly, I feel if you feel this way going into a caregiver role it may not be good for anyone. Your parents will sense your mood.
You may want to contact your local elder affairs or area agency on aging to see what services may be available to them. There are Medicaid waiver programs to help.
My prayers are with you.

CPLinIN

I am not an only child, but I am the only one of four children who cares for my father (not dementia, but terminal illness). My husband has ALZ and we do not have children, so I worry what would happen to him if I fail to care for myself properly. If I go down, so does everyone else.

Please consider talking to an Elder Law attorney in your parents area. They can help you navigate what you need to do in the long term - An experienced elder law attorney may be able to help you navigate medicaid and eligibility for assistance services, particularly if they live in a state with Structured Family Caregiving.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but I believe you are not the first person with some of these challenges and you might benefit from others' experiences.

Sending you peace and light as you navigate and advocate for your parents.

MarieES

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this with no siblings to help. I also moved back home after 30 years from another state to care for my mom who is now 96 and has dementia. I gave up my job, left my 24 yr old daughter to stay at my house, and have been living with mom for 10 years now. Luckily, mom had 9 children. 7 of us are still living and 4 of us live near by. I know I can ask for help from them if I need it, but since I live with her, I do most things by myself. I do have a company come stay with mom every other Friday for 2 hours, so I can get out by myself a little. It is the cheapest I could find and is 2 hour minimum at $26 per hour. Mom lives on SS and also does not qualify for Medicaid or her Veterans benefits, so she pays for the service. It's been a learning experience and I came to this site seeking help recently myself. Mom's dementia had gotten to a point where I was not sure what I needed to do to help her emotionally. A kind person gave me some resources to learn information that has helped me immensely. If you would like that information, I will gladly share with you. I will say, try to take some time for yourself, if you can leave your parents for a short time or maybe pay for just a few hours per month. Also, seek out support from online or locally. I've learned things about my mom's life since I've been here, like medical history, her life before I was born, her sense of humor, and stories about her life. I'll have some good memories that otherwise I would not have. I am glad I'm in a place in my life where I could do this for her, but I also admit I think about how nice it will be to have my life back. Good luck in your journey. Remember you are not alone.

NUMber2

Tdyberra, I'm really sorry that you're going through this! This disease stinks! (You aren't alone)

You're a good daughter! ❤️ Treat yourself with kindness and love!

I think the advice to contact your state or county's elder support is a great idea!!

H1235

I don’t know how much you have looked into financial help. I would recommend speaking with your local commission on aging and/or a CELA. My mom doesn’t qualify now either, but after a spend down she should. She is not a wealthy person, at the price of care it will be gone very quickly. It’s unsettling to spend so much money then cross your fingers and hope she is approved. It’s a very complicated process and with a living spouse even more complicated. Get help to make sure you have all the information you need on how this works. This is a lot about finances, but if you can get some outside help it might really help with the emotional stress of all this.

Anonymousjpl123

@tdyberra welcome and I’m really glad you found this place, although I’m sorry you are dealing with this. I definitely relate, and yes, I can speak through positive experience. If you follow my posts, I became caretaker and moved my mom close to me after my dad passed. She has Alzheimer’s and NPH.

I am not an only child but my actual siblings are mostly or completely estranged from her (for good reason). I am also single and don’t have kids. She doesn’t live with me, but started in assisted living without a diagnosis so the past 2 years have been utterly exhausting. I thought about taking FMLA but couldn’t financially because I was spending so much on her care.

Needless to say I was terrified life was over. And in fact, it was: life as I knew it. But I am thrilled to report that there has been much good. It turns out caring for a parent who couldn’t care for me has shown me how much I have grown. Navigating the finances, legal stuff, and health care showed me I have more in me than I thought. And last night, at my mom’s memory care, I had so much fun. A bunch of us sang “you are my sunshine” and “if I had a hammer” and someone videotaped it. Those moments are few and far between, but they do happen.

You will find help in the community. You will access resources. When you are utterly at the end, call the Alzheimer’s hotline (I have called at least 4 times and they have always exceeded my expectations). This is a great place to vent, and you will find real answers from people who know and who are or have been there: