1st night in MC tonight!

kblau

The move went well from her AL which was 20 minutes away to MC only 6 minutes from me. She seemed okay. Until I had to leave and she realized I was leaving. Rookie mistake - she has her cell phone. Right after I got home the director called me to inform me that everything is ok and it’s normal but she is upset that my sister isn’t answering her phone calls and they are giving her a Xanax to calm her. That was 2 hours ago. My mom has been nonstop calling me. Director advised not to answer her calls for now. This is torture. The voicemails that she is leaving is heartbreaking. I think I just need some comfort or support or idk. I’m panicking.

psg712

Take a deep breath. Do as the director says and don't answer mom's calls. She is scared in a new place, but it will get better. The director and staff have seen many residents through this transition and they will help your mom. Perhaps they can put her phone away for a while

You will be ok too. Hang in there. Block your mom's number overnight so you can get some rest.

AmandaF

I’m so sorry and we went through the exact same thing. I chose not to listen to the voicemails, and even blocked her number temporarily so I didn’t see the calls come in. Sounds harsh but there’s nothing you can say to her that will help her, and you have to take care of yourself too. Let the staff reassure you that she’s ok - they know what they’re doing! But I am very sorry, I remember how stressful this part was for me.

M1

I'm in the no phone camp. There are 45 residents in our MC and only three have cell phones.

ESkayP

My LO has been in MC for a year now. She has her phone and still calls me sometimes in the evenings. It usually comes in waves. I visit every Sunday afternoon, and a whole week can go by without her calling. But, when she does call, she keeps doing it for a few days. She's almost always confused and looking for reassurance which she is still capable of accepting. That's a year into her living arrangements, though. At first, Mom would call and beg me to come get her then become verbally abusive when I said I wouldn't do it. That was the hardest time of all. I did stop answering the phone then. I stopped listening to the voicemails. She never made reference to the calls I didn't accept. She was in the moment, frustrated, angry, and afraid. The staff was there to help her through that transition. I had contemplated taking her phone away, but for her current situation, it seems to be a connection with me that stabilizes her when she's sundowning. She will call with a complaint or a worry or some other source of confusion. I let her explain as best as she can since it's really hard for her to find her words now. Then I let her know that I heard everything she said and that I agree it must be troubling. I don't try to solve anything. I just remind her that if anything is very wrong, the staff at the facility will take care of it. I direct her to take a visual inventory of everything in her room. Once she is grounded again by her surroundings, she usually calms down. It doesn't always work, but at those times, she respects my excuse that I have other important things to do and that we'll have to talk more about it when I visit on Sunday. Again, these phone calls are a year after she moved to MC, not at all where you are right now. Every person's experience is different, but a common thread among us all is that the rough transition period ends eventually.

Anonymousjpl123

Sometimes the phone is a great way to stay connected, other times it becomes a source of anxiety and instrument of torture. I have to admit it was the latter for me. As my mom’s dementia progressed - even before placement - phone calls were constant and incredibly anxiety producing. Also for her.

I first replaced her cell with a landline, which she repeatedly unplugged. Then eventually that went.

Only you can know if it helps. The transition is so very hard. Hang in there, it does get much easier.

sandwichone123

There's a middle ground between blocking calls/turning off the phone and hearing it ring all the time. I changed my loved one's ringtone to silent, which really helped with the constant distractions as he would call 20 times/a day or more until I took the phone away. He was even calling me while he was at meals or in activities, so I know having the phone was a distraction for him.

kblau

I haven’t had a chance to respond but would like to thank you all for your comments here. It helped a LOT this past week. I sincerely thank all of you.

quick update:

When we stopped answering my mom’s calls, she called the cops. She told them she was being held against her will and that she needed to get to my sisters house to watch my nephew or else he would be all alone after school. :-(. Luckily the director spoke to them before they got to the facility (or called cps). I now have her phone. So if anyone reads this thread in the future - maybe take the phone away! Surprisingly, she hasn’t even asked for it! So that’s good news!

psg712

Whew! Glad no one was arrested. No doubt the police have received similar calls from other PWD, but they have to investigate.Great that her phone is now out of sight, out of mind.

kblau

thanks but now the resident adjacent to my moms room is sleeping in her bed with her. She’s harmless. More advanced I believe. Idk what to do? I can’t tell if my mom is scared or if she’s comforted by this. This is the 2nd morning, I liked thru the Alexa camera and saw her there. Is this normal?

M1

I would say no, it's not normal, and I would let the staff know. Your mom is entitled to her privacy and IMHO it's up to the staff to deal with this—they are supposed to be doing room checks anyway!!!

kblau

thank you M1!

CaliforniaGirl-1

I know blocking the number feels horrible but it could be the right thing to do. You could change that ringtone to silent or get a call blocker/controller on her wireline phone and take the cell.

When my LO was first in MC we had an issue with volleys of repeated calls and calls at odd hours and we eventually decided they were not helping anyone. Reluctantly we blocked it, which felt horrible but turned out to be the right thing. Eventually it calmed down (until it started again) Calling 911 is also not unusual and hopefully the local 911 recognizes its a MC and calls the staff to check. If it happens repeatedly the MC will probably ask you to remove the phone.

We were very worried about calls from scammers and dialing the numbers for things she saw on TV but we left her wireline phone in her room and put a call blocker on it. She was one of the few people who had a phone in the unit but we wanted to be able to call her. There are a number of phones and add-ons for people with dementia to block unwanted in coming calls, outgoing and to stop repeated calls to the same number which is common. One of them will notice repeated calls in a short time frame and play a message instead of putting the call through. Eventually she stopped answering it and now we call the MC and they can bring her the phone or even an iPad for FaceTime.

This is all very hard for you but it will usually calm down over time.

kblau

okay it’s been more than a week I haven’t visited. The director was off today and yesterday. Tomorrow is a national grandparents day celebration. Fun, games, face painting etc. I’ll calm the director to see his age is tomorrow and if we can visit. Idk it will be first time in MC and with my 4 year old.