Challenges over Loss of Control

caflanaga

Good afternoon! I'm a brand-new poster and am an only child to my 79-year-old mom with VD. She's in memory care and has been in decline for years, with bigger deficits after stroke-type symptoms and multiple falls. Over the past year, she's become more paranoid and accusatory about my not visiting enough, the management of her financial affairs, and general loss of control of her day-to-day activities. Over the course of the summer, she has started to refuse to attend off-site appointments or, once we get somewhere, she refuses to get out of the car. After asking for a haircut multiple times, she got into the chair at the salon and refused to get her hair cut. Then I took her back to the facility and she refused to get out of the car.

I know most of this is a reaction to her own loss of control in her life and that her ability to participate or not is the ONLY thing she can control right now. But I don't know how to encourage her to engage, or whether I should at all. When confronted with these situations, is it better to go along with her? Or try to convince her otherwise? Any words of wisdom would be appreciated. Thanks!

M1

Welcome to the forum. I think one thing you do is just not take her out any more. I don't think you can encourage her to engage—-apathy and loss of executive function are part of the disease. Are there doctors she can see at the MC facility, and I bet they provide hair care? She sounds like she might even qualify for hospice care, in which case the hospice folks take over her medical care.

Regarding her finances etc., less is more in terms of what you tell her. If she asks, just say it's being taken care of. It's hard to stop including her in things, but the fact is that she can 't handle the outside world any more and that's why she's in a controlled environment. Best to keep her there.

Quilting brings calm

Do not take her out any more than you have to. Eliminate as many doctor appointments as you can. Does the MC have a doctor that makes house calls there? Is there a beautician that comes on? My mom’s AL doesn’t have a doctor but they do have a salon on site.

Does she want to know exactly what’s going on with her money or just that there’s enough to take care of her? That’s all my mom is concerned with and I tell her there’s enough - even though I know it will only last 3 years. Just tell her that her money is safe, you are taking care of her needs and its best not to keep money at the building.

Paranoia is a symptom of this disease. My step/dad had it in spades, while my mom just wants reassurance that I’m taking care if things

Just let her disengage. Call in hospice - let them know she is refusing doctor appointments. Even if they don’t accept her, I bet they can handle getting get to sign a DNR and specifying comfort care only. Please don’t feel guilty about doing at least that. No one wants to live long enough to die of dementia. Better that a stroke takes her quickly.

SDianeL

read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which helped me after my husbands diagnosis. Best thing is reassure her about her finances and change the subject. Diversions like a snack or music may work. Don’t take her places anymore. It only adds to her anxiety.