Mom has AD and husband abandoned her.

TMC1981

I am writing this because I don’t know where else to turn and I’m hoping somebody out there has gone through something similar. My mother and stepfather have been married for 21 years and I’ve had a pretty happy marriage. My stepfather came down with Parkinson’s a few years ago and is in the later stages now and in an AL home. Two months ago, he told my mom he is filing for divorce and taking her name off of accounts. Two months have gone by and he has not filed for divorce, I have a feeling he’s not competent. At the same time, he met with their financial advisor and told him that he was filing for divorce so all of their marital assets are frozen.the only way my mom can access that money is if her husband OKs it, which he hasn’t.

I have spoken to a few lawyers who have advised me to file for guardianship, another advised me to file for a protection from abuse. It turns out that because my mother is cognitively impaired she cannot file for a protection from abuse, nor can she file for divorce.

My mother doesn’t have access to much money and she needs care. Has anyone experienced anything similar?

harshedbuzz

What you are describing is financial abuse of the elderly. I would contact your Area Agency on Aging for guidance.

The 800 number at this site has care consultants who have probably advised on something like this.

HB

Quilting brings calm

sounds like they both need guardians.

H1235

Does your stepfather have children? Who is caring for him while while he is in AL. Could you talk with them and sort things out. I assume your mom has dementia. If so you are probably going to need a DPOA or guardianship at some point regardless. Is she competent to sign a DPOA? I agree agency on aging is a good option. What a difficult situation. I think it’s going to be a lot of calls and a lot of work to get it figured out. Good luck!

NizhoniGrrl

There is such thing as Parkinson's dementia. I know my FIL became extremely paranoid and had bizarre delusions that led to him stripping in the middle of the night and running away or hiding in the closet (from the mafia, apparently) even after his PD made him extremely immobile off his meds. It sounds like your SF is the one who needs a competency evaluation. Who is his POA? Does he have anyone besides your mom who can help with this? I would also talk to his financial advisor directly and let them know your suspicions before they do anything more.

TMC1981

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/224027#Comment_224027

Yes, my SF has 3 sons. His youngest son lives close by and is caring for him while he's in AL. My brother and I believe my SF's oldest son is influencing my SF to get my mom out of the picture so when he passes the money goes to him. My brother and I were in communication with my SF's youngest son and wife up until July when they cut us off. At that same time, my SF oldest son came into town and took my SF to their financial advisor and then told my mother he removed her as beneficiary. He also told the AL that he didn't want my mom to move in with him around the same time and that he was filing for divorce. I reported elder abuse with the agency of aging at the end of July. I tried to report financial abuse with the agency of aging last month against my SF but was told they cannot file a report as he doesn't seem competent.

My brother and I are POA and we have filed for guardianship of our mother. I'm at a loss..

H1235

Wow! Did a lawyer help you file for guardianship? Did the lawyer have any other suggestions? What a complicated mess.

TMC1981

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/224054#Comment_224054

Yes, my SF hallucinates and has for a couple years now. That said, I have read that can be due to his medication. I have no way of knowing if he is demented at this point, unfortunately, as his family will no longer speak to me and my brother. My mom was my SF POA. I searched a few county's court of register's site and can't find anything online stating that he changed it. SF son's help him these days and we believe they are trying to get my mom out of the picture so they get the inheritance. I did report elder abuse to the financial advisor back in July.

TMC1981

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/224127#Comment_224127

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/224891#Comment_224891

The financial advisor must receive permission from either spouse before releasing money. My SF told the financial advisor a couple weeks ago not to give my mom money. My brother and I are my mom's POA currently. There is a trust and we met with an Elder Law attorney and the way it was written, my SF can change beneficiaries anytime without notifying my mom.

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/224891#Comment_224891

What a mess is right! We met with several lawyers and finally the last one we met with last month advised us to file for guardianship of my mother. The lawyer walked us through the process and my brother and I decided to file for guardianship by ourselves instead of paying the lawyer to do it. We have a meeting with the ad litem attorney on the 19th and then the guardianship hearing on Nov. 7th. I spoke to the at litem attorney last week and explained the situation. The attorney mentioned he would have to speak with my SF and get his side of the story. The attorney is assigned to act on my mother's best interest so if he thinks my SF is financially abusing my mother I'm sure the attorney will advise on next steps.

TMC1981

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/224958#Comment_224958

@victoriaredux - Thank you for your advise, you must work in legal:) Interestingly the last attorney we met with handles divorce and guardianship, only said we should file for guardianship and said we could file ourselves. The attorney didn't mention that it was important to retain her.

At this point I don't believe my SF is filing for divorce. My guess is he doesn't want to pay thousands of dollars for an attorney or isn't competent (has delusion and hallucinates). It's been over 2 months since he started threatening divorce and still nothing. We met with an elder law attorney a couple months ago and advised us to update mom's will, trust, etc and gave us names of lawyers that handle family law.

TMC1981

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/225058#Comment_225058

Thank you❣️

NizhoniGrrl

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/224893#Comment_224893

It is definitely made worse by some of the medications but I also think it is a feature of the disease.

JJ401

JJ401

Advice to see a family law attorney is sound. You need to see one who is knowledgeable in the state laws affecting second marriages. The laws in your state can affect what each spouse can do.

Second marriage finances can be drastically different from first marriage finances. Many second marriages have prenuptials that protect pre marriage assets. If your mom has one of these bring it with you when you see the lawyer.

And while divorce was mentioned, divorces involve division of assets. Her husband, or the sons, may have been surprised to learn that they cannot just walk off with assets. Assets have to be listed for the court.

eaglemom

Heartbreaking and so sad. I am so sorry you are going through this, but you & your brother are doing the correct things for your mom. She might not understand everything that is happening, but thank you for being there for her.

I wish I had so advice, but I don't, other than attorney's need to be involved. Make certain to document who you talk with, day, date & time for every conversation you have. That way you have a running 'log' to keep things straight. Keep all emails. In other words - document everything you do.

Please do let us know how this process is going, how moms' doing and how you and your brother are doing. Its stressful and time consuming, make certain you both still do have your lives.

eagle

TMC1981

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/225503#Comment_225503

There was no prenup, luckily. Unfortunately, my SF ended up in the ICU last week with a lung infection and I'm not sure how much longer he will live. I have the guardianship hearing this Thursday and will bring my concerns to the judge. I will also be letting the judge know the cost of assisted living so he can get my mom access to money, hopefully.

eaglemom

You have been on my mind and I was wondering how you were doing. I'm glad that you have a guardianship hearing this week. Please do let us know what you find out. With your SF being in the hospital, that really shouldn't change that aspect at all.

Make sure you have your facts lined up and written down. That way you have a point of reference to refer back to when needed.

eagle