BIGGEST FEAR, DW MC and what about the whole SEX in MC with others?

DrNani

Help me navigate the negative thoughts I am feeling. Let me start by stating. I am feeling a tremendous amount of grief. The person in my wife’s very fragile frail body is not the woman I married. I must now consider placement In a memory care home, but I cannot shake this. I have been taking care of her 24/7 now for over a year, she has rapid decline and I am desolate to find a few moments of peace. I am up 9-12 times every night with her to and firm the bathroom and to help her back In bed and cover her up. She needs everything assisted or done for her. I am overwhelmed as it is. 8. The am, our best friend who is out and a gay man with daughters he raised has been around to help me with her so i can rest from 7am to 9am. When I learned then had to witness how my DW, gets into his bed with no bottoms on! He is embarrassed by it and makes her dress. So, although that makes my skin crawl, I don’t worry he would bother with her, she isn’t doing any hung sexual to or with him. But, with how the MC homes are and what I have read, how will I deal with this or teh MC place if I don’t want MY DW having sex with Mr Stranger ALz dude? What am I to think? I know her, she is so conservative she would be mortified knowing she runs around naked from the waist down at all. I can’t imagine walking in on something like that. Call me whatever it’s not ok to have sex with my DW and she wouldn’t consent to such.

She needs a chastity belt? I hope this doesn’t insult anyone here. But as a same sex F couple .together for 3 decades. I am already in a state of confusion.

DrNani

Joe C.

DW has been in MC for 3 years and I have observed several cases of MC romances, including a rather short attraction between my wife and another resident, but I am not aware of any cases that actually escalated to sex. The MC staff pays extra attention to people in these situation to try to avoid any escalation. In some cases I have seen one of the residents moved to a different community in the MC (there are 3 separate locked community in DW’s MC) in what I believe is an attempt to keep these “couples” separated. In my case the MC staff notified me when they realized that DW and a male resident were attracted to each other and told me they would keep a close eye on them to make sure they were not alone together. DW’s situation only lasted a few weeks then the attraction fizzled. I do not believe anything other than handholding & some kissing occurred and it was consensual. DW no longer recognized me as her husband at this point and my feelings, although hurt, were if this friendship gave her some comfort & happiness then I was willing to accept it.

harshedbuzz

@DrNani

I think it's perfectly normal to worry about our very vulnerable LO's going into a care situation where we haven't personally vetted every individual who will have access to them. It's our duty to protect them.

Your fear is unfounded, but quality facilities are proactive about abuse of any kind from both staff or other residents. Have you toured any facilities yet?

One thing that struck me when touring, and I went to a dozen places ahead of placing dad, was the makeup of the MCF population. It skews very female. Not only do women live longer making them more likely to develop dementia, but they're also more likely to develop dementia at all ages compared to me. As a general rule, wives seem to keep their DH's with dementia at home until they physically can't so many of the men in a MCF are quite advanced in age and the disease. Women often outlive husbands, which also means they are more likely to be placed. As a result, at places I toured, there were many more women than men. At dad's MCF, he was one of 2-4 men in a population of about 30. At my aunt's MCF, there tended to be about the same ratio— 1 or 2 men for 20 residents.

Another reality is that placement for a younger man with dementia, who presumably is capable of sexual behavior or is physically strong, is ridiculously difficult. Most places won't accept them, even without a history of challenging behaviors. Some places cherry-pick residents to the extreme. Dad was rejected by the first place mom applied on the basis of his alcohol-related dementia's reputation for aggression. By the time we placed dad, 7 weeks before he died, he was well past what verbal aggression we'd seen. A corporate cherry-picking MCF might be a good fit for you if Medicaid is not part of your future.

Staff at MCF watching their residents and will nip any inappropriate behavior in the bud. IME, they'll also report it to you. Sometimes the offending resident is moved to another area of the facility or asked to leave. My aunt did have a situation where she and another resident bonded and spent a lot of time together. He thought she was his wife and once turned up in her bed to nap (fully clothed) when she was elsewhere. Staff reported it to family and kept a closer eye on them.

Another consideration is that bare-bottoms are not tolerated in MCFs. Full stop. She will have to remain dresses in a facility. If she's known to be a "stripper", they will ask you to provide onesie type clothing which she can't remove. This could be your "chastity belt". I found dad's and auntie's facilities took the protection of the dignity and modesty of their residents seriously. Even drooping pants (late stage PWD often lose weight— often dramatically) that reveal a skin or a diaper are quickly and discretely adjusted. TBH, since many who tour MCFs for their own LO's tend to drop in for an impromptu tour, staff want to make sure the residents look well cared for.

This is a link to the clothing I mentioned.

https://www.buckandbuck.com/womens-adaptive/womens-jumpsuits.html

HB

ghphotog

There are romances in MC but as mentioned above the staff are good at "supervising" hookups. There is one couple that are together every day and have been since moved my wife in but the staff make sure it doesn't progress passed hand holding. I found my DW holding hands with another man a couple of times but purely innocent. She's on hospice now and passed that but it didn't bother me at all. I was glad she found comfort holding hands with someone else even though she called him by my name. We all need to feel comfort from other people. They don't know where they are or why they are there. It's scary for some of them and it's only natural to find a "friend" that helps them adjust. It never went passed the occasional hand holding.

That's my take on it and my experience as well.

M1

same here, absolutely no issues. Not even handholding is tolerated at our facility, and harshedbuzz is correct that nudity is not permitted, period. Your concern is understandable, and when you tour facilities, it may reassure you to ask questions about how the staff is instructed to handle such issues.

Dio

When you tour and interview the facilities, definitely pose all your fears and questions on the table. I also specifically asked if the facility has ever evicted anyone and if so, under what circumstances. My fear was DH's combative violent behavior. At the time I didn't dig deep enough, but it turned out that the facility worked hard to help DH stay. When DH struck staff, not once but twice, I was mortified. Then we got the right medication and the facility staff and I all have been enjoying an extended period of calm (a "luxury" I am not accustomed to so I remain walking on eggshells every day). I've heard horror stories about residents with frontotemporal dementia who display uninhibited sexual behaviors. Please check with her neurologist.

SDianeL

my husband was in memory care for 7 months and I never witnessed anything. Not even hand holding. The first facility was all women except 2. The second VA facility was all men except one. They did not allow nudity and if their LO forgot to redress, they asked the persons caregiver to purchase the onesies that open in the back and the patient can’t remove them. If the men have sexual desires the facility would require medication to control it. I think you have heard of situations at assisted living facilities and not memory care facilities which are much more controlled. You’re right to ask these questions as you tour facilities.

MN Chickadee

A good facility will take her dignity and modesty very seriously and will be vigilant about keeping her dressed. They also take any signs of romance or sexual behavior very seriously. They will have strategies and policies on it and intervene if it seems like she is getting too close physically to someone else. For a while my mother thought another male resident was her husband, and the facility kept a close eye on it, kept me updated, and eventually kept them apart. Then she forgot about him. They are indeed vulnerable adults who cannot consent to anything and the facilities are bound by law to ensure that kind of thing doesn't happen on their watch, just like any other kind of elder abuse. If it's just the fact about her sleeping without pants you are concerned about, the facility will work on that. If she is showing signs of hyper sexual behavior, which can be part of dementia, then she may need medication to tamp that down. Barring signs of that behavior, you may be pleasantly surprised that this is not an issue in a facility.

Elaine2

My mother’s story is a little different. After my dad passed away, we put my mother in an MC unit. An old boyfriend from her teenage years had just lost his wife and came to visit my mom several times. We found out the staff were letting them have closed doors, fondling, and told us that they were adults. make sure you ask the right questions when you visit facilities. I must add my mom was always very conservative and would be horrified to know that she was engaging in that type of behavior. So don’t we need to protect them and the values they previously had?

eaglemom

As others have said, it might be time to start looking at facilities.

But that is only part of your question. This issue at hand is her being covered up - if you will. You might start doing that now. I know its a pain for you to help her pull down pull up panties over and over again. But, maybe she'll surprise you and put up with wearing them?

Your concerns for your LO are legitimate. You say she'd be mortified knowing she's naked from the waist down, let's change that and see how it goes.

eagle

Carl46

I have nothing to add to the advice given by others above, but I wonder why your LO is up 9-12 times per night. Has her doctor checked for a urinary tract infection? If my wife had that problem, I would tell her doctor.