Needing to find a home

herbalgoat

First off, why is there no comprehensive place to help caregivers / family when it comes time to find a home for someone with ALZ? Every resource I've found tells me different and conflicting information. It's insane.

Anyway, my mother is now MS, nearing LS faster than we thought. As much as I would prefer to not put her in a home, she's become too much of a liability to herself and to us. But I have NO CLUE how to go about finding a place and then moving her in. Especially when she'd fight us tooth and nail to not be moved.

We live in PA and I don't know what all the laws are for this situation here. We currently do not have PoA for her, it's a work in progress. Consent is an issue in regards to some choices at the moment, she's not always "of sound mind" so how can those decisions be made, y'know? And when she is, she's made it explicitly clear she never wants to go to a home.

Like, what's our path forward? And if she keeps getting violent towards us, then what? This is all just a mess.

harshedbuzz

IME, the closest we came to comprehensive information around legals aspects as well as which local facilities suited different PWD was the Certified Elder Law Attorney we saw. What information are you seeking?

Our CELA explained Medicaid as a potential safety net, explored veteran's benefits and drafted a bullet-proof DPOA that allowed for placement. She also finds herself in different facilities on behalf of clients and knows which ones have been sued/settled out of court.

If you can't get the signed DPOA, you'll need to seek guardianship in PA. My aunt did this for her sister in ME and than MA. It's a fairly straightforward process assuming your mom is middle-stage and her next-of-kin are united in the cause. It's more expensive than getting a DPOA, but if you prevail the cost will be paid by your mom's assets. A friend and his brother (in PA) were able to get emergency and then standard guardianship of their dad despite dad hiring his own counsel and fighting it in the middle stages.

Your Area Agency on Aging may have resources that are helpful. I found the local IRL support group a wealth of local information about MCFs. But at the end of the day, I toured a dozen to find the right fit for dad who was a rather challenging individual; mom's first choice didn't accept him.

Dad didn't want to "be put in a home" either. In fact, he avoided the advice of his CPA and lawyer that might have made the process less costly to my mom thinking it would force her to keep him home. I always remind people who are feeling guilty about not honoring a parent's wish to die in their own home that their parent made a wish instead of a plan that would have made it possible. Safety trumps all in dementia.

HB

SDianeL

So sorry you are going through this with your Mom. Just saw your post and wondered how you are diong. Sounds like a DPOA isn't an option if she's mid to late stage and doesn't want it. Guardianship is your only option. Once you have guardianship you can choose the facility. I did research online and found 3 of the ones with top reviews and visited them. They give tours. Once I selected it the facility sent a nurse to evaluate my DH. Medicare does not pay for long term care. Medicaid does. In many states she can have both Medicare & Medicaid if she qualifies financially. Then you would need to find a facility that accepts Medicaid if you can't self pay. Facilities in Florida are now about $6000 per month. I know it's overwhelming but make a list and take one step at a time. If-when you decide to place her, the facility can help you with how to accomplish that. The facility told us to tell him we were going to lunch with my daughter's friend, and come at lunch time. We sat at a table with the admitting nurse of the facility, then each made excuses and left. We dropped his things off later that evening. Hardest thing I've ever done. Take someone with you if you can. The facility said wait 2 weeks before we visited so he could get settled in. When I did visit he was glad to see me, but wanted to come home. I said when the doctor says you can. After awhile he stopped asking. Hope this helps.

Victoriaredux

"And when she is, she's made it explicitly clear she never wants to go to a home."

Who does?

I view that statement as a wish because for it to happen it requires two things - they never get ill- that ship sailed and two that another person(s) is willing and able to basically give up their life to provide 24/7 care for someone who can be double incontinent, resistant to getting basic care and possibly verbal and or physically aggressive. No one can require that of another person.

An experienced elder law attorney will know how to approach the PWD and what level of comprehension is necessary to draw up the documents.

Hospitals have social workers that can provide discharge assistance - so if she gets sick or her aggression gets more dangerous and you can't take her back home due to the burden [ yes you can call it a burden w/o any guilt] the social worker can help— but getting the finances worked out ahead of time with an attorney will help determine her housing options.