Guilt around visiting MCF

GreenPower

Hello, I’m a new member and I was referred by a Dr. to connect with some others going/gone through it.

I am in my early 30s and I cared for my mom for ~4 years at our family home before it became too difficult for me to care for her. I didn’t have the skills to provide the care she needed nor the mental strength. I was in my mid 20s and I had just graduated college and I moved back to care for my mom since my dad was never a provider like that.
Anyways, we moved her into a MCF facility about 3 years ago and I visited her fairly frequently in the first year but the time between visits started to grow. I just felt so down and glum after visiting the facility. The facility is fine lots of activities, staff is nice, and lots of people visit. I was just more so sad about my mom being there and her mental state.
I ended up not visiting for several months and then I felt guilty about not visiting her and I felt/feel terrible about it. Then I go visit her and she’s just a husk of who she once was. The staff make a comment about how it’s been awhile since they’ve seen me and I’m crushed. I feel like a horrible child. Growing up my grandma had Alz and my mom said to me if she ever gets it that she would rather be left in the desert. She never wanted anyone to see her like this.

There is no right or wrong answer. This is just life at this point. We’re all living it for the first and last time trying to do what we feel is right. The problem is I don’t know what’s right. If I visit, I feel so sad and disgruntled and confused about her and the MCF and just the whole thing. If I don’t visit her I feel guilty because I’m abandoning her in this place and she’s bedridden and has no one else visiting her.

I have only gone to visit twice in the whole year of 2024. I’m ashamed to admit that but it’s true. Last time I visited her I cried next to her. The time keeps growing between visits and the guilt I have around not visiting just keeps building and creating a bigger obstacle for me to overcome to visit again.

Tomorrow is her 75 birthday and I don’t know if I have it in me to go visit her. I think I’ll do something in her honor instead.
This is a long post. More so for me to just air my grievances. I wish everyone on here peace and love. Thanks for reading.

SusanB-dil

Hi GreenPower - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

It is definitely difficult to see our LO in such a state. You are not abandoning her. 'this' horrid disease has done this and you are still her advocate.

((hugs))

Anonymousjpl123

@GreenPower please please do not feel guilt. I find that most of us feel guilt, whether we visit every day or every year. It’s part of watching a LO suffer and not being able to stop it.

You are so young - I cannot imagine going through this at your age. I would be in the same boat. What you need to do is take care of yourself. Do you have a support network? Friends? A counselor/therapist? These things can really really help. You are still building your own life, so it makes sense that coping with such a huge loss is weighing heavily on you.
My advice? Put the oxygen mask on yourself first. Get support, find ways to take really good care of yourself, be very gentle with yourself. Know that there is absolutely nothing you can do to change this disease. Then you may be able to find ways to be with your mom that are not quite so painful. Post here. We have been where you are.

mabelgirl

probably the only saving Grace in this disease is our LO doesn’t remember and many times doesn’t know if we’re there or not or when we last visited. I recently told my siblings who live out of state from mom, that search your heart if you think about visiting on a tight budget, because the visit is more so about you than our mom at this point. I visit frequently and she still asks the staff when I’m coming to visit because she hasn’t seen me in months. Personally it is my sense of responsibility that drives me to visit her and makes me feel I’m doing my job. If you are good and at peace with your visit frequency that needs to be your guide. Prayers for peace.

terei

I felt this way many times about visiting my mother. I assuaged my guilt somewhat by hiring a companion that would come in and visit with her once or twice a week My mother loved this person who had a lot less invested + was able to just sit + be kind to her for a couple hours. I also sent my mom a lot of cards in the mail, which she loved. If you can afford it, a paid visitor may help you be more accepting of the situation

sandwichone123

Your actions should benefit someone. If visiting her is not benefiting her and it's not benefiting you, I don't think you need to beat yourself up for not doing it. She is being cared for by people who are skilled and motivated to provide care, which allows you to do what she raised you to do: move forward in your own life and build a future. The staff are not helping by guilting you when you do come, so don't take those comments to heart, either.

Merla

I'm sorry that you are dealing with such a tough situation. I relate a lot to not knowing what the "right" decision is by you or her. I feel similarly.

My husband asks me to think of what I want from my own perspective and I don't know. And I honestly don't know what my mom wants seeing as she is a totally different person now.

smarie

I'm there with ya, but my Mom isn't that bad yet. And I live in the same city. If the guilt overwhelms you then just visit her. I'm Catholic on top of it. HAHAHA!

Yes, they aren't the same. Don't make it sad, I tend to make it silly and funny. There's nothing else I can do, right?

Do what is right in your heart and let it go.

sandwichone123

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/234141#Comment_234141

You've known you mom for a long time. What did she want for you when you were growing up? Did she say things like, "I hope you find a good partner and build a strong marriage." "I hope you have a little girl just like you." "What career do you want to have?" "Please put your life on hold, neglect your own relationships and future to care for me."

Shenmama99

I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this at such a young age. I’m 61 and caring for my 93 mother. I have guilt all the time and she goes back and forth from my house to hers. I promised her I’d never put her in a MCF. Stupid promise right? My main guilt is I wish God would take her. It sounds so selfish because it would be so much easier on me, my sisters and my family. One second she’s fine at my house the next she looks so miserable and sad. I know she doesn’t have her mind (vascular dementia) but I sometimes want to scream at her to appreciate she’s with her daughters. Anyway, my one sister doesn’t come around as much and it’s ok to not want to be around LO’s with this horrific disease. I’d love to curl up in a ball and forget about all of this. Anyway, take care of yourself and don’t feel guilty. Going through a LO with dementia is hard and painful. 💔