When do you decide to place your spouse in a Facility

atoth4815

My husband is only 61. The confusion started 3 years ago. In the last 7 weeks he has decided fast - no longer uses the restroom, does not eat, have to force him. Can stay up for 2 to 3 days with our much sleep (cat naps - 15 to 30 minutes), constantly pacing, has left the house in the middle of the night with no shoes, socks or coat. Thank goodness the police picked him up. Does no hygiene at all, can not shower on his own. So wondering if it wrong of me to be looking into placing him in a Facility. It has to be a Medicaid as we do not have funds for a private Facility.

Quilting brings calm

to answer your question… right about now. Behaviors you list are often the reason for placement. When you can’t keep him safe at home ( the wandering for example) or the care becomes more than you can do. Or when it’s affecting your own mental, emotional or physical health.

midge333

I agree with @Quilting brings calm. His age is irrelevant. Wandering makes him a danger to himself.

sandwichone123

I placed my spouse a week after his 60th birthday. He was not quite as far along as yours, but I was working full-time and realized I had come to a fork in the road. Either I had to quit my job and become a full-time caregiver, or he needed to be placed. I don't think either of us would have been happy sitting around the house all the time, so for me it was a relatively easy (meaning excruciating) decision to place him.

I had found a place that I believed would provide him with excellent care and he would be around people, which he loves. As soon as you think you might have to place him, start looking at facilities. There's no commitment in looking around, but knowledge is power.

CindyBum

I agree with the others that these behaviors mean it's time. I'm so sorry. I dread walking over that bridge to memory care, but know I will likely have to do it as well.

xoxo

cdgbdr

I think you are right to think of this and pursue placement now. Could the doc perhaps order something to aide with sleep and other behaviors. You may want to consider a trip to the hospital if it's unmanageable and place from there.

Cocoandcoop

I read yesterday that the average cost for memory care is $115,000 a year. How can anyone afford that??

Corbh18

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/239137#Comment_239137

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/72614/when-do-you-decide-to-place-your-spouse-in-a-facility

You have to do it. It’s hard to come to that decision, but once you do, it’s a big weight off your shoulders. I’m currently in the process of placing my wife in memory care, she is 54. I still work full time and even if I quit my job and stayed home to care for her full time, I don’t think I would be able to manage. It’s so hard to watch her wander around the house endlessly with no purpose. Luckily, we have a very nice assisted living facility with memory care that is only a mile from our home.

atoth4815

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/239137#Comment_239137

I can't, so I have to get him Medicaid. Facilities that take Medicaid are not that great. 😞

Carl46

Sometimes the symptoms you describe can be due to physical illness such as constipation or urinary tract infection. These are relatively minor illnesses, easily treated, but they can throw a PWD for a loop. In your shoes I would talk to his doctor and get him checked out. If he has nothing treatable, then he certainly needs more care than he can receive at home.

Dunc1129

I placed when I became emotionally, physically and spiritually bankrupt. I should have placed earlier, if you are seriously thinking about it, it is time

trottingalong

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/239137#Comment_239137

I can’t, that’s for sure. I’m 68, my husband 81. I have enough money to keep me afloat, but too much to qualify for Medicaid. In addition I’m in a remote area without options of places to place someone. So for some of us, it’s not even an option to place.

Jazzma

As you hear over and over again on this site, please consult a certified elder law attorney. Qualification for Medcaid can be complicated, but there are also routes that you might not expect. And of course make sure you have durable power of attorney for financial and health care decisions. This is a very hard situation that came on fast. I'm so sorry it is happening like this. Keep coming back here.

SimplyRoxy

Had a rough night…again. My husband was diagnosed with Early Onset ALZ on year ago at age 58. He is now transitioning into Middle Stage. Our social life has ceased as he can no longer track communication and has increased wandering behaviors. Even going to restaurants is difficult because he wants to over eat, drink and constantly gets up to use the restroom and gets lost without assistance. He has night sweats, tremors and multiple trips to the bathroom and rummaging thru dresser drawers keeps us awake.

I have an appointment with an Elder Attorney regarding asset protection and put medical and financial directives in place immediately after the formal diagnosis.

We both have children from our first marriages, he has 4 and I have 2. They all seem to distance themselves, as do friends and others who just don't know how to handle the changes. As a caregiver, it is difficult to keep a balance…especially without sleep!

I will begin researching memory care facilities and would appreciate any feedback. My husband is 6'2 and 240 pounds so I can anticipate needing to seek help for his care. I often feel overwhelmed and greatly miss our former life. Tough not to isolate and just crazy watching the love of your life disappear before your eyes.

This is my first post…. "thank you" to those who read my thoughts.. as I watch the sunrise, to begin again.

It is Sunday so I will give thanks for another day and ask HIM for grace and mercy.

sandwichone123

Hi Roxy,

I have a lot in common with you, although we're a couple of years ahead. My spouse started having trouble in social situations, but when he couldn't reliably find and use the bathroom I had to stop taking him out. I placed him in memory care the week after his 60th birthday, 2 1/2 years ago, and he's stage 6-7 now. His children have no contact, his brother has no contact, and I call his mother once a month.

TooEarly

Hi,

I placed my DW in memory care earlier this year. I tried to keep her at home as long as possible — and I almost waited too long. I was at wits' end, home aides were having increased trouble with her, friends were telling me it's time, it's time, it's time. As soon as I made the phone call to accept an opening (I had been on a wait list), I knew it was past due.

What I'll tell you is although people might tell you "you'll know when it's time," that's not really true. Unless there is something like a serious fall, you never really "know" with certainty. It's like 60/40, 70/30, maybe 75/25 feeling.

One exercise that helped me make the call was asking myself, can I make it 3 more months? (no) Can I make it 2 months? (no) One month (maybe), then concluding I had to take steps now.

DTSbuddy

I weep every time I think about moving my DH to MC even though at least once a day, I get to feeling overwhelmed. He argues with me about where to urinate and defecate. He has run in the street a couple times now, so I can only take him on walks in large parks. He argues with me about the way to go back to the car. Sometimes he refuses to move in or out of the car. One day he grabbed the steering wheel while I was driving through a busy intersection. I stopped and had to ask strangers to call 911as he would not let go. Firefighters blocked traffic and pulled him out of the car and talked to him. He falls a lot, and fights with me to try to stop me from bandaging his scratches. He fights with me about changing out of blood-stained clothes. . He wads up the bedding in the middle of the night, and wanders. He talks only in nonsense, and now has started talking in his sleep, like for an hour at a time.. He eats with his hands, puts food on the table and then sweeps crumbs and peelings onto the floor. I can brush his teeth in the morning often, and get him to shower a couple times a week. I'm afraid that MC will not be able to handle him. He is in good health other than his brain, and has plenty of upper body strength.

l7pla1w2

You are not just feeling overwhelmed. You are overwhelmed!

If you would move DH to MC if you could, I suggest you contact some MCFs, describe your husband's behaviors, and ask whether they would accept him as a patient. Good MCFs have lots of experience, and they know how to deal with a wide variety of behaviors. You might be surprised. And relieved by the possibility.