When do you decide to place your spouse in a Facility
Comments
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to answer your question… right about now. Behaviors you list are often the reason for placement. When you can’t keep him safe at home ( the wandering for example) or the care becomes more than you can do. Or when it’s affecting your own mental, emotional or physical health.
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I agree with @Quilting brings calm. His age is irrelevant. Wandering makes him a danger to himself.
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I placed my spouse a week after his 60th birthday. He was not quite as far along as yours, but I was working full-time and realized I had come to a fork in the road. Either I had to quit my job and become a full-time caregiver, or he needed to be placed. I don't think either of us would have been happy sitting around the house all the time, so for me it was a relatively easy (meaning excruciating) decision to place him.
I had found a place that I believed would provide him with excellent care and he would be around people, which he loves. As soon as you think you might have to place him, start looking at facilities. There's no commitment in looking around, but knowledge is power.
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I agree with the others that these behaviors mean it's time. I'm so sorry. I dread walking over that bridge to memory care, but know I will likely have to do it as well.
xoxo
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I think you are right to think of this and pursue placement now. Could the doc perhaps order something to aide with sleep and other behaviors. You may want to consider a trip to the hospital if it's unmanageable and place from there.
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I read yesterday that the average cost for memory care is $115,000 a year. How can anyone afford that??1
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You have to do it. It’s hard to come to that decision, but once you do, it’s a big weight off your shoulders. I’m currently in the process of placing my wife in memory care, she is 54. I still work full time and even if I quit my job and stayed home to care for her full time, I don’t think I would be able to manage. It’s so hard to watch her wander around the house endlessly with no purpose. Luckily, we have a very nice assisted living facility with memory care that is only a mile from our home.
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I can't, so I have to get him Medicaid. Facilities that take Medicaid are not that great. 😞
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Sometimes the symptoms you describe can be due to physical illness such as constipation or urinary tract infection. These are relatively minor illnesses, easily treated, but they can throw a PWD for a loop. In your shoes I would talk to his doctor and get him checked out. If he has nothing treatable, then he certainly needs more care than he can receive at home.
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I placed when I became emotionally, physically and spiritually bankrupt. I should have placed earlier, if you are seriously thinking about it, it is time
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I can’t, that’s for sure. I’m 68, my husband 81. I have enough money to keep me afloat, but too much to qualify for Medicaid. In addition I’m in a remote area without options of places to place someone. So for some of us, it’s not even an option to place.
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As you hear over and over again on this site, please consult a certified elder law attorney. Qualification for Medcaid can be complicated, but there are also routes that you might not expect. And of course make sure you have durable power of attorney for financial and health care decisions. This is a very hard situation that came on fast. I'm so sorry it is happening like this. Keep coming back here.
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Had a rough night…again. My husband was diagnosed with Early Onset ALZ on year ago at age 58. He is now transitioning into Middle Stage. Our social life has ceased as he can no longer track communication and has increased wandering behaviors. Even going to restaurants is difficult because he wants to over eat, drink and constantly gets up to use the restroom and gets lost without assistance. He has night sweats, tremors and multiple trips to the bathroom and rummaging thru dresser drawers keeps us awake.
I have an appointment with an Elder Attorney regarding asset protection and put medical and financial directives in place immediately after the formal diagnosis.
We both have children from our first marriages, he has 4 and I have 2. They all seem to distance themselves, as do friends and others who just don't know how to handle the changes. As a caregiver, it is difficult to keep a balance…especially without sleep!
I will begin researching memory care facilities and would appreciate any feedback. My husband is 6'2 and 240 pounds so I can anticipate needing to seek help for his care. I often feel overwhelmed and greatly miss our former life. Tough not to isolate and just crazy watching the love of your life disappear before your eyes.
This is my first post…. "thank you" to those who read my thoughts.. as I watch the sunrise, to begin again.
It is Sunday so I will give thanks for another day and ask HIM for grace and mercy.
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Hi Roxy,
I have a lot in common with you, although we're a couple of years ahead. My spouse started having trouble in social situations, but when he couldn't reliably find and use the bathroom I had to stop taking him out. I placed him in memory care the week after his 60th birthday, 2 1/2 years ago, and he's stage 6-7 now. His children have no contact, his brother has no contact, and I call his mother once a month.
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Hi,
I placed my DW in memory care earlier this year. I tried to keep her at home as long as possible — and I almost waited too long. I was at wits' end, home aides were having increased trouble with her, friends were telling me it's time, it's time, it's time. As soon as I made the phone call to accept an opening (I had been on a wait list), I knew it was past due.
What I'll tell you is although people might tell you "you'll know when it's time," that's not really true. Unless there is something like a serious fall, you never really "know" with certainty. It's like 60/40, 70/30, maybe 75/25 feeling.
One exercise that helped me make the call was asking myself, can I make it 3 more months? (no) Can I make it 2 months? (no) One month (maybe), then concluding I had to take steps now.
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I weep every time I think about moving my DH to MC even though at least once a day, I get to feeling overwhelmed. He argues with me about where to urinate and defecate. He has run in the street a couple times now, so I can only take him on walks in large parks. He argues with me about the way to go back to the car. Sometimes he refuses to move in or out of the car. One day he grabbed the steering wheel while I was driving through a busy intersection. I stopped and had to ask strangers to call 911as he would not let go. Firefighters blocked traffic and pulled him out of the car and talked to him. He falls a lot, and fights with me to try to stop me from bandaging his scratches. He fights with me about changing out of blood-stained clothes. . He wads up the bedding in the middle of the night, and wanders. He talks only in nonsense, and now has started talking in his sleep, like for an hour at a time.. He eats with his hands, puts food on the table and then sweeps crumbs and peelings onto the floor. I can brush his teeth in the morning often, and get him to shower a couple times a week. I'm afraid that MC will not be able to handle him. He is in good health other than his brain, and has plenty of upper body strength.
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You are not just feeling overwhelmed. You are overwhelmed!
If you would move DH to MC if you could, I suggest you contact some MCFs, describe your husband's behaviors, and ask whether they would accept him as a patient. Good MCFs have lots of experience, and they know how to deal with a wide variety of behaviors. You might be surprised. And relieved by the possibility.
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my first post also, this helps. I feel so alone. No one wants this. My husband has Alzheimers just got diagnosed in March. Stage 5. I am in mourning over the loss of DH. Knowing it will only get worst and it’s not over. Not enough $ to afford private pay for long term care. Sounds like Medicaids is not of an option, if no place is available? Why do it, what will they do to my life if I go that route?
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I found that Al facilities that accept Medicaid were awful! In my state the nicer Al facilities require family to pay a large portion in addition to Medicaid. I learned this the hard way. I have found a nice nursing home that I think will be better than a run down dirty Al. It’s clean and I am hoping will have a better quality of care. This might be something to consider. You should also know that there can be a waiting list no mater where you are thinking. We have been waiting 6 months.
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If I had the option of putting my DH in a facility he would be in one. You don't need to feel guilty about it. We all do the best we can.
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When? The moves outweigh the stay at homes…You get to move when you think it is best.
Another question is where. Now is the time to look a facilities so the move can take place as needed.
No move is permanant. Keep that in mind. If it does not work out you can change facilities…you can also bring your loved one home.
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This is the first time I've seen any mention of nursing homes. Is that just another name for assisted living or memory care facilities?
It's terrible we have to consider these options.
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From what I have researched, there are different levels of assisted living. Some people just need a little help so they choose assisted living so they don’t have to worry about meals, housekeeping, etc. Some facilities also have a memory care part where someone can move into when the time comes. There are also facilities that only offer memory care, which makes them more expensive due to the expertise they need to care for your LO. Nursing homes are referred as Certified Nursing Facility. These are the ones that usually accept Medicaid. They are usually older facilities that take care of many people of different diagnoses that need 24/7 care. Not sure if any of them have dementia units or not. This is what I have found while exploring my options for my plan B. My plan A is to keep my DW at home but just in case, it’s good to have a plan B.My DW is only 55 years old and we are in the 3rd year of our Alzheimer’s journey.
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I am in Texas. From what I have learned in my limited research is that there is assisted living, memory care, and skilled nursing (also called nursing home or Certified Nursing Facility).
Some assisted living facilities have a memory care section and some do not. Assisted living facilities without a memory care section will take ALZ patients as long as they are not a big risk to wander.
In terms of which type of facility accept medicaid, I have not looked into that.
I expect however when most people who are keeping their spouse at home, first start looking at placement, they will be looking for an assisted living or memory care facility.
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No, it is not.
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My DW’s memory loss comes and goes she is currently getting post-surgery rehab at a nursing home, so I am getting a taste of what’s to come. She gets disoriented and calls at all hours for me to get her home or stay with her. If your spouse is in MC, have you gone through this?
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My spouse has been in memory care for almost three years, since the week after he turned 60. He had both a phone and a computer when he first moved in, but he became less able to use the computer to play his game, so I brought that home. Later he started calling 20-30 times a day and I ended up removing the phone as well. In the section where he currently lives, no one has a phone.
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My DW has been in memory care about 10 weeks. Before placing her, I was considering a phone and a TV with Roku. I decided against all because a) DW wouldn't know how to use them; and, b) she's outside her room in activities most of the day anyway.
Obviously some LOs are still able to use a phone, but you have to weigh the benefits and risks. Will he or she make inappropriate calls based on callee or time of day? Will he or she answer spam and scam phone calls?
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The Alzheimer’s Association offers some information about different types of residential care, here:
Hope it’s useful.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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