Stepdad with Alzhemiers getting possessive

shanonlane3

I am definitely looking for help and not sure what to do. My mom has stage 4 breast cancer and is at home on Hospice. She does not have much time left. My stepdad is also here and has late stage AZ. I have been trying to find a memory care facility for him, but I am not his power of attorney or next of kin so I am having difficulty and his children are not being helpful. My mother cannot help at this point as she has dementia from the cancer and most days cannot remember anything. The past few days he has started pulling her out of bed when she is trying to sleep. Ten minutes after I give her her pain medication, he sneaks in their bedroom and pulls her out of bed and brings her into the living room. She can barely walk at this point. I put her back in bed and have to practically guard the door from him. He has started getting very angry when I won't let him back in the bedroom to wake her back up (they are still sleeping in the same bedroom). When I put them to bed last night I turned the light off, and ten minutes later the light was on and I could hear him speaking to her (although he speaks gibberish). He will not leave her alone and let her rest. I am not sure what to do. Honestly, I need to get him out of this house and I have no idea how to do it so that they are both safe.

Arrowhead

That’s tough one. Most interior locking doors, lock by turning a knob in the middle of the handle. Most of these will have a slit on the outside that can be used to unlock it with a butter knife or something similar. Some will have a small hole with a button inside that can be opened by pushing something into it. When you want to keep him out, you could lock it on the inside and close the door. Chances are he won’t figure out how to open it. The only way I know to solve the light problem would be to trip the circuit breaker to that room, but that would probably be too inconvenient.

H1235

Would it be easier to get her out of the house rather than him? It seems like a certified nursing facility would be better than her current situation. Or move her in with you or a sibling. Who is caring for them? It sounds like they are well past the point of being able to care for themselves. Are you living with them? Could you move her to a different bedroom? Even if you had to move her in to your room so you could protect her. He probably wouldn’t be real happy about this, but (sorry) you can’t worry about him being upset, his brain is not working properly and you need to care for and protect your mom! If he becomes violent call the police. I would suggest a lawyer, but if she doesn’t have much time left I don’t know if it would be worth it. It may take a while to get him out of the house going through the courts. ???

SDianeL

iso sorry about your Mom. If the children won’t step up to help then you could call Adult Protective Services. They can have the state take over his care and place him. For your Mom, Hospice usually has facilities where you can transport your Mom. Talk to them and explain the situation. My Mom was in a Hospice facility after a stroke and the care she received there was excellent. You can always bring her back home if you get your step dad placed. As you already know, you can no longer get a DPOA as he is unable to sign. Guardianship would be an option but is usually expensive and takes time.

Quilting brings calm

it sounds like your mom is his ‘person’. The person who makes him feel less anxious. His behavior can be called shadowing - where they need to keep their ‘person’ in sight to feel safe.
I would explain your issue to the hospice nurse and see what they recommend. They might be able to work with his doctor to get him medicated to reduce that behavior. They can also probably evaluate him for hospice too.

shanonlane3

Thank you all so much for all of your suggestions and words of wisdom. I did read about shadowing and figured that was what he was doing. I also like the idea of possibly moving her to my bedroom if we need to. I will also look into Adult Protective Services, because according to my mom's hospice nurse she probably only has a few days left and there will be no where for my stepdad to go. I think APS may be able to help us with getting him somewhere to stay until a more permanent placement can be made.