Toddler comparison

Karen-luvsumer

This is a rant. I’ve been caring for my DH who has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s nearly 3 years ago which was at least 2 years after I had been begging for a diagnosis. When someone compares caring for a spouse with Alzheimer’s is like caring for a toddler I want to scream. It is such a dismissive comment for the person with Alzheimer’s and a condescending comment for the care taker. It’s dismissive for the person with Alzheimer’s because it doesn’t acknowledge the person they currently are or the one they once were. It’s dismissive and condescending for the caregiver because it implies that they lack the where with all to deal with a toddler or that it’s that simple. Most caregivers have dealt with toddlers somewhere in their past and have developed some skills for managing situations. Believe me, if those skills would work they would use them. I have worked with toddlers in my paid career and I would take 5 toddlers on their worse day rather than someone with Alzheimer’s. A person with Alzheimer’s is more physically capable, stronger, has delusions, hallucinations, can be more creative and destructive. So please, don’t try to placate me with that comment. What you could say which would be more appreciated would be, What can I do to help? , I’m here for you. What do you need? Anything but, it’s like caring for a toddler!

hiya

I’ve always taken the toddler comment to mean their current abilities ie you have to watch them closely, they are unable to bath by themselves, can’t tell you when they need the bathroom etc. Maybe the delivery of the comment makes a difference. It’s a hard road and we are all doing the best we can. Take care of yourself too.

Karen-luvsumer

Thank you. I realize the toddler comment is a trigger for me. Unfortunately, I’ve heard this comment from medical professionals like drs, and nurses. They are trying to be sympathetic but I don’t find it helpful. It’s a language thing for me. I was taught that when communicating about people with disabilities you state the person first and then the disability. For example, you should say a child with autism rather than an autistic child. I thought hospital workers have been taught to refer to the patient in room 10 with a broken arm rather than saying the broken arm in room 10. As a spouse I find it offensive. I didn’t marry a toddler. I married someone who developed Alz. Yes, this disease has similar characteristics as a toddler but both my husband and this disease are so much more.

Russinator

((HUGS)) My heart goes out to you and all us caretakers

harshedbuzz

I also bristle at the infantilization those who don't have the capacity to function as is typical of their age.
That said, age comparisons and equivalencies (as listed in the 7-Stage Model of progression) can be a useful framework for decisions regarding autonomy and safety.

HB

Carl46

You are correct. Caring for a PWD is like caring for a toddler, except much more difficult. No one knows what it's like unless they have done it themselves, so I don't really blame them for not understanding. "Forgive them, for they know not what they do."

Arrowhead

I have compared the regression of the disease to being the reverse of a child. While a child learns to do more and more, a dementia patient learns to do less and less. It's like mentally ageing in the opposite direction.

Karen-luvsumer

Thank you for your insight. I have to admit that this time I heard the comment I was particularly sensitive. It had been a very difficult week and it came from a medical professional. The lesson this disease is repeatedly teaching me is to expect nothing so that you’re pleasantly surprised when something or someone actually delivers. In this case expecting a medical professional to have a better understanding of the disease was too much to ask.

Iris L.

I agree with the desire not to infantilize a PWD and about using person centered language. Nevertheless, using child comparisons is a shorthand way of addressing care needs. Many time new members wonder what to do about certain behaviors, when in fact, if they were presented with the same behavior in a child or toddler, they would automatically know what to do. For example, when should a PWD not be left alone? Would one leave a toddler alone? Of course not. Would one leave dangerous chemicals and other inedibles out? PWDs are prone to put things into their mouths, like a toddler.

Yes, the progression of dementia causes a reversal of independence and judgement. Keeping the PWD safe is a primary goal of caregivers, but many family members seem to be oblivious or seem to feel guilty about taking necessary safety measures. The home needs to be dementia-proofed, the same way that a home is child-proofed.

Iris

GothicGremlin

@Karen-luvsumer - I'm with you on this. It may be a rant, but I think it resonates with a lot of us.

I agree with others that charts that sometimes describe the abilities of those with Alzheimer's to those of children, can be useful, but reading about age comparisons is not the same thing as having someone in conversation refer to the person with Alzheimer's as being like a toddler. Medical professionals should know better! It's dismissive and disrespectful.

I hated it when people would discuss my sister in that manner - and I heard it often enough. She was a fully formed person, just like the rest of us. She just had the bad luck to get Alzheimer's.

Karen-luvsumer

Thank you to all who have responded to my initial post. I’m praying for all of you and your LO on this difficult journey daily. I posted this comment for a variety of reasons. I was very frustrated, felt unheard and wanted to educate others that when speaking to a stressed caregiver and when they compare caring for SWD to caring for a toddler it can be interrupted as dismissive and condescending. Yes there are similarities but there are significant differences, which this comment doesn’t acknowledge. The biggest one is that with a toddler you can celebrate their many firsts, word, step, skill but with SWD you mourn the last time they said your name or took a bath. I don’t mean to judge or disrespect anyone who makes this comparison. I just wanted to educate.