Mom is afraid to stay alone with Dad

LindaVaz

Hi, my Dad has dementia. I think he's in the middle stages (gets angry, hallucinates, thinks the bank is stealing from him). Couple of days he had an episode and woke up at 3:30 a.m. Left the house and told my mom if she doesn't move, he will hit her. Thank God my aunt was there and went after him. He returned but was acting very strange, he would stare at the wall. Finally, got better and acted like nothing happened. My mother doesn't want to be alone with him at night. I'm willing to begin working remotely at moms and stay with her during the day but what happens at night and after my aunt returns to Chicago? My Dad still very alert and is aware of his surroundings. He also sees my grandmother all the time. She passed 12 years ago. He starting to have episodes more often. Having a stranger like a live-in aid will freak him out. I feel lost and don't know what to do. My mom wants someone with her at night.

jehjeh

Years ago, my dad with dementia started sleeping with a kitchen knife under his pillow because he feared intruders. One night, he didn't know who my mom was or how she got into his apartment. (It wasn't until later that mom told us about the knife). That was the last straw and we quickly moved him to memory care. (Our first move was to remove all the knives from the apartment). Still, in hindsight, leaving them alone for even one day was a risk I wouldn't take again.

My hubby now has dementia and is sometimes quick to anger. I know how fast things can change with this disease and if I wasn't much younger and more fit than him I would probably rethink having him at home with me.

Please contact doctor about meds, look into help at home for her or consider placement for your dad. To be blunt, it's not fair that mom has to live in fear. This disease is hard enough on spouses.

jehjeh

Let me add that im not heartless. Just fearful for your mom. My heart goes out to you as you navigate this terrible disease.

SusanB-dil

Hi LindaVaz - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

No, this cannot continue. Please do call 9-1-1 if he should have another episode like that and have them take him to a geri-psych facility for proper evaluation and get situated on meds that can dial back that aggression. If mom still doesn't think she can handle it afterwards, maybe they can help find placement for him.

Meanwhile, definitely tell his doc what is happening.

I'm sorry you and your mom are dealing with 'this'.

H1235

Welcome. It sounds like it might be time to consider memory care. Is this something your mom would agree to or could be talked into? Jehjeh mentioned knives, but I would also be concerned about guns. If there are any in the home, get them out now. But honestly even the old baseball bat in the garage is a weapon. I think finding a caregiver able to be there at night is going to be tough. We live in a rural community and it was not even an option. You would also have to deal with no shows. Then what? I also think a caregiver is not going to want to come back if there are outbursts or threats. Your mom could maybe sleep in a spare room with a lock on the door and/or carry pepper spray. I don’t really think that’s the best solution to keep your mom safe. This is about more than physical safety! Living with someone you fear may harm you is mentally very very difficult! PTSD difficult! On top of caring for him. I hope you can find a solution.

john813

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/242248#Comment_242248

What meds? My father isn't aggressive but gets agitated and doesn't recognize my mother.

Paxil? Antidepressants? I need some suggestions to bring to the doctor.

SusanB-dil

Hi @john813

Do you have a Neurologist on your team? Very helpful. MIL is on antidepressants, and yes, even a mild antipsychotic. With adjusted dosage, she is not zombied by any means but is way, way less aggressive and combative.

harshedbuzz

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/242324#Comment_242324

Do you live with them or are you relying on mom's reporting that he's not aggressive? IME, sometimes wives don't report aggression either because they don't recognize it as such or they're looking to sugar-coat a situation for their children. I heard things from mom about murder-suicide ideation only after I'd insisted that she place dad. His care was destroying her health and well-being. She also denied incontinence until I dropped in and found her scrubbing walls after "an accident".

In your shoes I would suggests a geriatric psychiatrist and let them decide what's appropriate. Make sure his behaviors are accurately reported as PWD often showtime during appointments. I once sent dad's geripsych a video clip of dad's aggressive behavior in order to get his antipsychotic medication increased. FWIW, he took a cocktail that included Prozac, Wellbutrin and Seroquel— this allowed for good symptom control with minimal side effects.

HB

john813

Thank you, so much.

I live and work with them, so even if she denied it, I would have witnessed it.

Of course, who knows in the future.