Mom is afraid to stay alone with Dad

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Years ago, my dad with dementia started sleeping with a kitchen knife under his pillow because he feared intruders. One night, he didn't know who my mom was or how she got into his apartment. (It wasn't until later that mom told us about the knife). That was the last straw and we quickly moved him to memory care. (Our first move was to remove all the knives from the apartment). Still, in hindsight, leaving them alone for even one day was a risk I wouldn't take again.
My hubby now has dementia and is sometimes quick to anger. I know how fast things can change with this disease and if I wasn't much younger and more fit than him I would probably rethink having him at home with me.
Please contact doctor about meds, look into help at home for her or consider placement for your dad. To be blunt, it's not fair that mom has to live in fear. This disease is hard enough on spouses.
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Let me add that im not heartless. Just fearful for your mom. My heart goes out to you as you navigate this terrible disease.
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Hi LindaVaz - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.
No, this cannot continue. Please do call 9-1-1 if he should have another episode like that and have them take him to a geri-psych facility for proper evaluation and get situated on meds that can dial back that aggression. If mom still doesn't think she can handle it afterwards, maybe they can help find placement for him.
Meanwhile, definitely tell his doc what is happening.
I'm sorry you and your mom are dealing with 'this'.
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Welcome. It sounds like it might be time to consider memory care. Is this something your mom would agree to or could be talked into? Jehjeh mentioned knives, but I would also be concerned about guns. If there are any in the home, get them out now. But honestly even the old baseball bat in the garage is a weapon. I think finding a caregiver able to be there at night is going to be tough. We live in a rural community and it was not even an option. You would also have to deal with no shows. Then what? I also think a caregiver is not going to want to come back if there are outbursts or threats. Your mom could maybe sleep in a spare room with a lock on the door and/or carry pepper spray. I don’t really think that’s the best solution to keep your mom safe. This is about more than physical safety! Living with someone you fear may harm you is mentally very very difficult! PTSD difficult! On top of caring for him. I hope you can find a solution.
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What meds? My father isn't aggressive but gets agitated and doesn't recognize my mother.
Paxil? Antidepressants? I need some suggestions to bring to the doctor.
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Hi @john813
Do you have a Neurologist on your team? Very helpful. MIL is on antidepressants, and yes, even a mild antipsychotic. With adjusted dosage, she is not zombied by any means but is way, way less aggressive and combative.
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Do you live with them or are you relying on mom's reporting that he's not aggressive? IME, sometimes wives don't report aggression either because they don't recognize it as such or they're looking to sugar-coat a situation for their children. I heard things from mom about murder-suicide ideation only after I'd insisted that she place dad. His care was destroying her health and well-being. She also denied incontinence until I dropped in and found her scrubbing walls after "an accident".
In your shoes I would suggests a geriatric psychiatrist and let them decide what's appropriate. Make sure his behaviors are accurately reported as PWD often showtime during appointments. I once sent dad's geripsych a video clip of dad's aggressive behavior in order to get his antipsychotic medication increased. FWIW, he took a cocktail that included Prozac, Wellbutrin and Seroquel— this allowed for good symptom control with minimal side effects.
HB0
Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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