New here, aging parent with vascular dementia and mom not capable of caregiving, where do I start?

spatton

Hi! I have never been on here before. My dad was diagnosed with vascular dementia years ago after insisting my mom bring him in. I have a fractured relationship with my mom and she is his primary caregiver.

Lately my dad seems to be declining. He is disoriented at night, getting up and spilling things, having toileting issues, losing appetite and sleeping 18 plus hours a day. I am concerned and try to get specifics from my mom but she is unwilling to share the reality of what is going on and I urge her to email his doctor when behaviors change and she refuses.

I live 3 plus hours away, I am a mom with two kids and feel stuck on how to do this. I feel unprepared if something declines quickly and he needs to be in a home what or how to help my mom understand how to pay for this. I dont know what is coming ahead in regards to declining behaviors. I feel lost and helpless and want to find a way to at least have some information to start prompting my mom to think about what she needs to put in place instead of reacting in the moment when something serious happens.

I dont have that village to lean on and it can feel very hard. So I am hoping someone else can share guidance or be the village in some way to share their experience or knowledge from when they were in this part of the journey. I appreciate the insight!

harshedbuzz

@spatton

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.

I would encourage you to consider posting on the more general "Caring for a Parent" board as well, or even the "General Topics", as few people come to this one for some reason.

This is a tough situation. Vascular dementia is a progressive and terminal condition. Decline often comes in considerable loss of skills/cognition after plateaus in which things remain steady for a time. In the New Member group found under the "Groups" tab at the top of this page, there are scales that can help you figure out where your dad is in terms of stages.

As an adult child, I would encourage you to have a Plan B even if your mom hasn't created one. One third of spousal caregivers predecease their PWD and more have health emergencies that preclude them providing care. To that end, I would research Medicaid in your state and tour MCF/SNFs near you so you don't have to do that in crisis mode. If they don't have POAs that would allow you to act, you'll need to obtain guardianship if dad is too compromised to sign a POA. It would be useful to look at MCF/SNFs near him as well in the event mom becomes ill or burns out.

HB