Personality Disorders + Alzheimer’s Disease

Lolly8634

Hi, I’m new to this message board and this is my first post. It’s going to be a long one. I’m feeling a bit desperate and I need some advice. My Mom is 78 and was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s a year ago. Although, I think she’s probably been sick for longer and her condition was masked by her existing mental health issues. She now lives in an Independent Living facility (with attached Assisted Living, and Memory Care options for later). I live within 30 minutes of her and my sister lives several states away, but does everything she can to support the situation from afar. I love my Mom, but she has always been a lot (major fear of abandonment, highly emotional, manipulative, extremely sensitive to criticism, constantly in need of admiration, entitled, superior, and never wrong, etc.) She’s always been that way and I think even as a child I realized that something wasn’t quite right. As an adult I have come to understand that she most likely suffers from borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, or both. When I read about these disorders it’s like the writer knows and is describing my Mom perfectly. Now that she has Alzheimer’s, it’s as though all of those things that have made her hard to handle all of life have been dialed up to the max. I am trying to be a good daughter, but every interaction with her is becoming excruciating. My sister and I have spent our whole lives walking on eggshells and trying to make her happy. Now walking on eggshells doesn’t work anymore and every phone call and visit turns into an altercation. We try to redirect her, but nothing works. We do everything we can to look after her, managing her health, her finances, her rental property, and anything she could possibly need, but nothing is ever enough. I know she is ill, but dealing with all of this is having a profound effect on my mental health. I just can’t handle being yelled at all the time. I feel like my life has been hijacked and my husband and children (8,6) are being affected. I will always make sure that she is safe and cared for, but I don’t think I can continue to manage her emotions and retain my sanity. What should I do?

JulietteBee

Oh my word! Your post resonates with me as far as the frequent altercations

My mom does not have the personal history your mom has, and neither does our interpersonal relationship. We HAD a great mother-daughter relationship until Dementia came to visit, and overstayed its welcome.

Most every interaction finds me walking on eggshells as she often accuses me of disrespect. Those are the times that I am either trying to redirect her, or hopelessly trying to correct her.

Where mom is on her disease timeline seems to be stage 5 or the age equivalence of an 8-12 year old, "tween."

In order to maintain my own sanity I've put into practice one major lesson I learned on this site.

D.A.R.E: "Don't Argue, React, or Engage"

It is almost like a wonder drug for sanity preservation.🙃

I hope this helps to minimize the friction between you both, as it did for me & mine. 🙏🏽

sandwichone123

Sometimes families visit more often than is helpful. If your visits are not helping your mom, they're not helping you, and they are harming your family you might need to cut back. Remember that she is in a setting that provides support and companionship so you do not need to be providing those, particularly if that triggers bad behavior. Your primary responsibility is to your own family and children.

SDianeL

welcome to the place for info and support. Sorry about your Mom. My daughter asked me one day whether my husband’s (her step dad’s) behavior was due to the memory loss or because he’s always been an a**hole. 🙂 I said it didn’t matter. Dementia changes their behavior. Even those who were calm and easy going before dementia can become agitated and aggressive as the disease progresses. You can’t manage her emotions. Regardless of her past, it’s now the dementia talking not your Mom. Your relationship is no longer mother and daughter. It’s now patient and caregiver. She can no longer reason so her behavior won’t change. It may even get worse. I would limit your interactions with her. Talk and.visit less often. Visit at mealtime so she’s distracted. If she is agitated maybe speak to her doctor about a prescription to calm her. Read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which helped me after my husband’s diagnosis. So sorry you are going through this. We understand how you feel.