Elderly Aunt....Recent Diagnosis and Home Care Challenges

erinmay

Hi All,

I could use some perspective/guidance/support on our current situation.

My sister and I have noticed for some time that our aunt has memory issues, plus a host of other challenges. She has no kids of her own. She was not caring for herself (skipping or cancelling dr apts, not taking or refilling meds, not showering, etc) and not cleaning up after herself or her dog, not maintaining her house (garbage piling up, dirty dishes overflowing onto the counters, garden completely overgrown). She refused us access to her house for the past 2+ years.

She finally fell, and had to let us in. The fall resulted in a severely broken arm. The past 2 mos as been moving her from the hospital, to a rehab facility, then to AL while she continued her PT, OT and ST. She was MISERABLE in AL. We finally sat with her and told her that in order to go home, she had to accept help from an aide service three days a week to start. She agreed.

Of course, now that she is home, she's crying and arguing about not needing the services because "her house is just fine". Well it's fine NOW, bc my sister and I broke ourselves cleaning and repairing everything over the last two mos. We have an elder care atty engaged and she will sign POA, a will and HCP. So that should help on the business end of many things. We have also confiscated her car keys so she can't drive. She appears to be sundowning in the mornings. She is on an antidepressant, but now that she is home she probably will not take her meds appropriately without help.

Overall she is in major denial about the reality of her living conditions prior to the fall and doesn't believe she needs help. We just need advice on how to communicate with her. Any advice on how we can phase in this aide service? What communication techniques, words or phrases should we try that have worked for you?

Thank you!

H1235

Welcome. Anosognosia is a very common symptom of dementia. It is the inability to recognize their symptoms or limitations. It is not denial it is a symptom of dementia. With that in mind, there is likely nothing you can say or do that will convince her she needs help.There will NEVER come a time when she says I can’t live alone anymore. Her brain is not functioning properly. The DPOA needs to act for her, to keep her safe. She is no longer capable of making decisions for herself. Given your description it sounds like she needs 24/7 care. This is much more affordable in a facility. Yes, she is going to be mad and I can understand how hard it is and how guilty you feel. But in my opinion her safety needs to be the number one priority. This is not a case of just letting an elderly person age in place. She could burn her house down, fall down the steps( because she doesn’t realize they are a problem), wander into traffic, go outside in winter without appropriate clothing, eat spoiled food, the list could go on and on. There is a commonly accepted rule here with dementia. Never try to reason with a person with dementia. So how do you communicate with her or convince her, you don’t! You just do what needs to be done. Some people have had success in using therapeutic fibs. Tell her something is wrong with the house and it needs repairs so she will need to stay in an apartment (assisted living) for a while, she needs rehab and the doctor has recommended a live in rehab ( assisted living). Just telling her the doctor said it’s not safe to live alone anymore might work. If you want aids to come in say they need volunteer hours for college or it’s a friend that really needs a job. Get creative and come up with a story she will buy into. I know this seems dishonest, but the alternative is her not being safe and cared for. Have you talked with her doctor about something for her mood. There is medication that might help.

JulietteBee

Sorry to hear how difficult aunt's dementia is making your life.

You ask about ways to tell her that help is needed. Tell her that after her fall, her doctor says that she needs home health aides, however many times per week. Period!

You are tasked with keeping her safe, not happy. Sadly, we are now the adults and our LOs have become our kids.

Up to last night, my own DM was bewailing the loss of her car & driving privileges. This is the same lady who insists that there are two mail rooms in her IL complex. The same one who was walking towards the FOURTH floor trash chute door, thinking that it was through that door we would get to our car, then looked at us, incredulously, when we opted to get on the elevator instead.

towhee

Until you get that DPOA signed don't do anything to set her off. Blame the doctor, the government, agree that it is unfair. Check out a youtube channel called Demential Careblazers, they have great advice on communicating with PWD.