I want to offer help to my partner but I don't know what to do.

WantingToHelp

Hello, my partner's uncle has started to show the signs of early stage Alzheimer's and while I have had family members experience this in the past never someone as close as they are with their uncle. He lives in a different city and while they are trying to spend as much time there as they can I want to help however I can and try and better understand what it is they will be going through as his condition progresses. I try to offer help but I don't know what specifically I can offer to make things easier for them. Any perspective or advise you can offer would be appreciated.

Thank you

SDianeL

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/74328/i-want-to-offer-help-to-my-partner-but-i-dont-know-what-to-do

welcome. Sorry about your partner’s uncle. To help, learn all you can about the disease. Share that with your partner. If your partner is going to be the caregiver the uncle needs to move close. He should no longer be left alone. He should not be driving. As the disease progresses he will need 24/7 care. Your partner should plan for that. Your partner needs to get legal affairs in order. A DPOA. Medical POA and HIPPA forms. See an Elder law Attorney for that. Read the book “The 36 Hour Day” then search online for dementia caregiving videos by Tam Cummings and Teepa Snow. You or your partner come here often for info and support. The Alzheimer’s Association has a toll free number you can call for specific resources in your area. It’s at the bottom of the page.

H1235

Welcome. All the above is true. But family can have a difficult time coming to these conclusions. Be cautious not to give too much advice. Even if you believe he shouldn’t be driving tread carefully. My mil drove much longer than she should have. With five children and me being the in-law, I bit my tongue and stayed out of it. It still doesn’t hurt to learn all you can and is your partner seems open to resources then definitely share. The DPOA is very important if your partner doesn’t have it yet. Things down the road will be considerably more difficult without it. I have attached some resources that I think may be helpful.

DBAT.pdf

understanding-the-dementia-experience 4.pdf

ARIL

It is admirable that you are being proactive and are eager to learn and plan your support. Kudos to you for that.

I see two related issues here: care for the uncle and support for your partner. You are at one remove from the uncle’s care, and—while learning about the disease, etc.—you can focus your attention on supporting your partner through what will likely be an extraordinarily challenging period of life.

What can you do for your partner? Listen. Be available to let your partner process experiences and feelings. Ask: How can I help? Sometimes help is needed in material ways (clearing a house, moving furniture, visiting facilities, etc.). And sometimes a caregiver just needs to talk to somebody who will listen without jumping in with advice. Think about relationship maintenance: What can you do to be thoughtful? Those are often very simple things, sometimes involving the uncle and sometimes not.

I’ve been an in-law through eldercare for my MIL, and now I am the primary caregiver for a parent WD. In the first case I tried to be available for both physical and emotional support: sometimes I cleaned MIL’s house or pruned her shrubs, and sometimes I let my spouse worry out loud—only giving advice if it was explicitly requested (and sometimes I hedged even then). I tended not to get involved in medical decisions. But the choices were all tailored to the individuals and their situation (major physical decline but no dementia, with mostly long-distance caregiving).

Now, the things I appreciate most about my spouse is his kindness to my parent, his willingness to listen to me even when I need to say the same things over and over, his hands-on help with hard work (moving my parent across several states, clearing a house), and his undemanding acceptance that this is just a hard phase of our lives.

I know I am painting this all rosy. These are our best moments, not the moments of frustration and irritability—which also come. But supporting the caregiver is a caring role all its own, and I think it is great you are envisioning it so clearly now.

Wishing you the best.