Getting mom with dementia to a doctor; what other options might we have?

I've thought about that myself, but I'm hesitant to suggest it. Mostly I'm afraid of my dad dismissing it out of hand. But even I have mixed feelings about it: even if my dad was living with her full-time, I'm afraid moving out of their house would really be hard on my mom; what if it exasperated an already-bad situation? And I don't know what they'd do with their dog (we aren't in a position to take her).

"Can your Dad read up on the disease, maybe these Forums? He will need to learn that many emotions from a PWD can't be addressed with logic."

That cuts to the core of the problem, in my opinion. I've sent my dad all kinds of information, including links to posts I've made on this forum. I got him to attend a couple support group meetings. But ultimately, he doesn't have time for any of it. At this point, I don't think he ever has a moment to himself. He absolutely can't get "caught" reading about Alzheimer's or dementia, as that would definitely send my mom into a rage.

We've talked about hiding the meds in food/drink. I don't think that's really possible. One, we're not sure which meds can safely be administered that way. Even if we had that knowledge, how would he go about doing it without getting caught? And, even if the food/drink was prepared with the meds, what if she changed her mind about eating it?

"Can you and that doctor identify a geripsych hospital near them and when she melts down at a doctor's visit office have her taken straight there..."

A similar scenario actually played out last year. And I think it's a good idea. But what makes this even harder is where they are located: her PCP is in the small town closer to them. All the specialists are in a bigger city about 35-40 minutes away. Her small town PCP's medical group appears to be poorly connected in terms of making referrals. In fact, her PCP has only made one referral: my mom did see that geriatric psychologist a few times about a year ago. But now she refuses to see her, and even the mention of that doctor's name will send her into a fit (despite her failing memory/dementia, bad memories continue to be formed). I've talked to a lot of different people, and it appears this particular geripsych may be the only one in their area (at least, she is the most recommended one).

Over the last decade, for many years (well before I was aware of the dementia), my mom was regularly changing doctors. Both my parents, for a long time now, seem to have a profound cynicism when it comes to doctors in general. They will look for any reason to dismiss a doctor: "she were 10 minutes late to the appointment... the nurse never called me back... your mom doesn't like the sound of her voice... he doesn't know what he's talking about... he's a young hotshot, thinks he knows everything, just like so-and-so I used to work with... he asked what I thought, can you believe that..."

In early 2022, when this came to a head, and she was admitted to the hospital, they did all the testing (MRI and blood tests to rule out treatable causes). That's when she was seeing the geripsych I mentioned above. That doctor would not commit to a specific diagnosis. She claimed it didn't really make a difference, as they ruled out everything treatable, so all that can be done is to medicate (mostly for the psychosis and depression) and manage the situation.

For what it's worth, that doctor said, quite literally, that my mom's personality type is the worst for dementia. My mom has a history of obsessive-compulsive disorder: she was treated with meds when she was younger, then self-managed for many years. But it looks to me like the OCD has come back as the dementia has progressed. And that doctor said specifically, people with OCD/anxious personalities suffer dementia the worst, because they can perceive that something is wrong, but the dementia makes it increasingly hard to understand what's happening and how to manage it. Basically, it's a double-whammy.

"You are right that every option has the possibility of failure, but if nothing is tried both your parents are at risk."

I fully agree, but this is a "you can lead a horse to water" situation. There's very little I can do, and I keep showing my dad "the water" but he won't "drink". Before this came to a head last year, my dad and I were able to talk a little more, and I kept saying that plans needed to be made, or he'd be too busy taking care of her to get stuff done. And he always agreed, I lost count of how many times he said I was right, he needed to have arrangements made.

"Is there an alternate on the POA? you? If so you might be able to use the clause "main person is unable or unwilling" to insert yourself into the equation. Not best solution, but another possibility.

Even under the HIPPA rules and those of POA, you can contact her PCP and relate the details of the situation (a letter followed by a call). You can communicate to them, it is just that they cannot share info back."

I tried that with both her current and previous PCP. It's impossible to speak directly to the doctor, and only if you get a really nice person answering the phones can you even speak with the doctor's nurse. Even then, I got stonewalled. I said, I'm not asking for information, I just want to make the doctor aware of some things. I called, left messages, spoke directly with nurses; I even typed up a summary letter and faxed it to the doctors. The previous PCP completely ignored all the info I gave her. The current PCP's nurse told me plainly, she can't really do anything with the information I was giving her. (I later found out, doctors take this perspective because, besides HIPPA, there are unscrupulous people out there who want to have a family member declared unfit mentally for nefarious purposes.)

And that's yet another problem with keeping this off any formal medical records until it boils over: you've got a patient with no history of dementia or mental illness, now all the sudden the son (who's never been previously involved in any of this) shows up with all these stories of dementia. Frustrating, but I can see how a doctor might be skeptical.

That said, her PCP is now aware of the situation (mostly due to the ER calls, hospital stays, and time in MC facility).

Nope. Both my parents are painfully private, particularly with healthcare matters. I only found out about this a few years ago (late 2019), because her symptoms were too obvious to explain away. But I found out she had been showing signs for nearly a decade prior, and I was in the dark the whole time.