New Here & Need to vent - Mom has Alzheimer's and Dad is stubborn...

Often you can find the "win,win" situation.

Having someone coming to the house would be a good thing for your mother. It will give her someone to socialize with. They will give her their full attention as well as take her on possible outings.

1. It will give your father a brake from caregiver to husband.
2. It will lengthen the time they can remain independent.
3. Tell your mother she is helping out someone who needs a job.

It really is all in the approach and if your father thinks it will help his wife I bet he will be onboard.

Your dad will allow you to be the caregiver as long as you allow yourself to be. You might try the approach of telling him that you ( meaning you, not him) cannot come to help as often as you have been due to your own family responsibilities and your own health. Mom help more than once a week, and he needs to get out of the house more than once a week. So, in order for you to heal, he needs to hire help or to temporarily move mom to AL. That since you have power of attorney, you will be glad to make the phone calls to get an agency to send someone out. That it’s common for people like your mom to want to stay home and not go out because they feel more insecure and panicky out in public

I would suggest that you also start researching ALs or MCs in the area. Your mom is farther along that you might think as some of the behaviors you mention begin in stage 5.

What worked for my family with similar struggles was a heart to heart. A couple times we were at turning points in mom's Alz journey and I would sit dad down and tell him I was saying it all because I loved him and was worried about him. I would lay out the facts for him to fully consider (mom's behaviors, lack of sleep etc) and remind him that it wasn't going to get better and that he was putting his own health at risk as well as the wellbeing of me and my kids because her care would fall on me if something happened to him. I would tell him of the studies that show that something like 20% of caregivers die before their PWD and that doubles for people over 70 years old doing primary caregiving because that is just how stressful it is on our mental and physical health. And that he wouldn't be any good for her if he is hospitalized or dead. Sometimes he was so entrenched in the day to day struggles and so accustomed to living in total crazy town that he would forget it wasn't normal or sustainable or see how bad it was until prompted to actually look at it. I would come with the research and leg work done (for example, vetting and getting on waitlists at facilities, interviewing home health aides, a day care chosen and ready to enroll in etc.) He didn't have the bandwidth for anything extra like that. Once I decided to just take the reins and steer a bit he let me because this is what allowed him to let go of his denial. I know everyone's family dynamics are different. I hope you can find an approach to make headway. You will definitely need therapeutic fibs for whatever changes for mom in the end.

If nothing works you will have to wait for a crisis I guess. Many folks do. Often wandering, a fall or injury, or the inevitable incontinence that dementia brings suddenly jump start these changes. If it were me I would privately tour and get on waitlists for both Assisted living and memory care and choose what Skilled Nursing Facility you would use if necessary. That way you have options for either or both of them when the stuff hits the fan and won't have to do that work under immense stress. Good luck and let us know how things go.