Memory Care - Last Option

Lou107 · August 8

My 89 year old mother absolutely refuses to accept anything is wrong with her. I live on the West Coast she lives on the East Coast. I have spent the last 4 months taking care of her. Her doctor agrees she can no longer be left alone without some outside support. She refused a home health aid or live in because she says she doesn't want to take care of someone. So I proceeded to get her a very nice 1 bedroom apartment in a mixed development that included; independent, assisted, and memory care options. After setting up the apartment with familiar things I took her down. She went into a rage breaking pictures and running away twice while I was speaking with the staff. The second attempt they found her on a busy road. Now it seems my only option is memory care. I am hesitant because mom is still a social person and MC levels of activity are very different. I am thinking maybe MC will help her understand she needs help and eventually be able to move her back to assisted living. Looking for feedback on anyone else that has had thus experience or challange.

M1 · August 8

Welcome to the forum. She is not in denial, she has anosognosia, a common feature of dementia that prevents her from being able to perceive her deficits. Yes she needs memory care, and as much as you might wish it, there won't be any going back to assisted living. It's a hard truth but yours is a common situation, we all tend to see our loved ones through rose colored glasses as more capable and less impaired than they actually are. This forum is a good place advice and support, you can learn a lot frpm others' experience.

mabelgirl · August 8

Is she on medication for the agitation? If not maybe they can calm her enough to be in AL. That anosognosia is a terrible aspect of the disease and from what I read it will not go away in a deteriorating brain. My mom is same way everything is me doing something to her or her stuff because she KNOWS exactly where she put something or how much should be in bank . Any explanation but it’s not her memory or brain.

Anonymousjpl123 · August 8

hi @Lou107 glad you found this forum, but so sorry for why you need it. Similar experience with my mom:

She was clueless anything was wrong
I gave her a choice between AL and an in home aide
She chose AL, I found a great place, and within 8 months she was in MC. I thought she would move back and tried, but she never did.

Here’s some tips:

MC may not be as bad as you think! I took my mom out regularly in MC and even home some weekends and holidays early on. She’s switching to another place and I still plan to visit and take her out (she wants this less lately) a lot.
Many MCs let higher functioning MC residents attend AL activities
Even if your mom is very social it may change with her disease. She may be become social with others who you wouldn’t expect.

Those of us closest to the person with dementia tend to overestimate their capacity. When we become caretakers it’s a hard thing to get used to. She may do just fine in MC. I’m having challenges with my mom’s specific facility l, but never do I regret her going to MC. It isn’t just safety: it is easier and less stressful for her.

Your mom may do just fine in AL, but I wouldn’t let MC scare you. Everyone is different. I would have avoided it if I could have, but it is nothing like the horror I thought it would be.

psg712 · August 8

Agree totally with Anonymous. There really is not a way to convince a PWD that she needs help. Her brain cannot perceive it, and that situation will not improve. You might find that she will settle down more in MC than in AL. MC is a more controlled and secure environment with fewer choices to overwhelm her and more support for her. If she is running away on a busy road, she for sure needs an environment from which she cannot escape.

harshedbuzz · August 8

@Lou107

A few truisms:

Your mom doesn't have the ability to recognize the ways in which she is impaired to a degree that requires full-time supervision not does she have the band width to follow your reasoned argument. And even if she had both and agreed with you, she doesn't have the short-term memory to recall it.

You are not going to get your mom's buy-in on moving much less her gratitude. She's likely to be very angry initially. In the interest of not having her asked to leave, I would talk to her doctor about meds to calm her anxiety and agitation. If this can't be done out-patient, then an inpatient geripsych stay may be needed.

Safety overrides all. She may not be capable of happiness at this points, so you may need to settle for safe. Since she has proven herself to be an elopement risk, she will need a secure (locked) facility which is unfortunate.

Try to remember you are making these decisions for her not to her.

Since this facility has levels of care, it might be possible for her to spend a part of the day in AL doing their activities once she's settled. This worked for my aunt for a couple years because she was one of those PWD who remained sweet and cooperative (unlike me dad).

HB

kawenner · August 11

Hello- unfortunately your comments ring very true for me- my mother is able to do most ADLs, but does not recognize her impairment and gets very upset/angry with any hint that something may be wrong with her. She regularly tells my father (her primary care giver) that he is not her husband and either kicks him out of the condo or leaves. Right now she is able to find her way back, but I know one day this will not be the case. One thing that I truly don't understand is when my dad is occupied, she searches his room/office and if she finds anything related to Alzheimers/dementia/memory care she rips it up or hides it!! I gave her an identity bracelet that was styled like bracelets she loved and had in very small font- dementia on the back- last less than a day until it disappeared. And yet she asks the same questions 10 times in a row.

The brain is amazing and is preoccupied by maintaining a sense of self at all costs. She has gotten a little better with low-dose Seroquel but her episodes are unpredictable and very upsetting for my father. She seemed much higher functioning than anyone in the Memory Care facilities we toured, but maybe doing frequent outings initially will work. Just know you are not alone. Hang in there.

tboard · September 15

I was in the room when my mother was diagnosed. She simply did not believe it and would not accept the help I tried to give or help from the people I hired. She did well in memory care. In fact she never asked to go home. There were activities and we visited often. A decade later my DH has mixed dementia and will not accept help . Right now he is sitting in the hot sun sweating. The skin on his arms is sun damaged. I can not get him to come into the house where is is cool. He yells and screams and swears at me and has temper tantrums where he stomps his feet. I am exploring Memory care for him because I can not keep him safe anymore.

Ci2Ci · September 26

On a positive note, she might just appreciate it. My mother has never expressed any displeasure with being in a SNF/MC (when she understands that she is in a nursing home) — the lowest of the low options. And, sadly, hers is a crappy nursing home (the only Medicaid MC bed that was available). In fact, she says that she likes it there. While she is still highly verbal, what I believe her to really mean is: I'm happy to no longer have to struggle to do the things that were becoming hard for me to do alone and therefore causing me stress/anxiety/panic-attacks. [I feel very grateful for this acceptance!] So, who knows. ¯_(ツ)_/¯

terriloulou · October 16

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/218855#Comment_218855

This sounds exactly like my Mom. I think she must think that if something is on paper about dementia, it makes it that much more real. She also searches my Dads office and shreds anything from insurance or DR. She refuses to visit a Dr and get a diagnosis. Major paranoia with my Dad and often doesn't even know who he is or why he is in what she thinks is HER (not their )house.

Lindsay22 · October 17

Many have provided good advice here. I will offer this, once my mom finally went to MC it was a relief for both of us. In the late middle stages she did well in MC, she thrived with a routine and someone telling her what to do at each hour of the day. I think when she was still at home with aides and me coming in it wasn't enough structure and increased her agitation. They can also manage meds of course which will help a great deal. It will also represent a relief for you knowing that she is safe and taken care of at all hours of the day and night. Certainly there were still problems and lots of calls but gone were the days of me dropping everything to run over there due to some crisis. MC staff will handle that and let you know when your presence is actually needed.

cgrubb78 · October 23

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/218533#Comment_218533

"She may not be capable of happiness at this point, so you may need to settle for safe." This line is exactly what I needed to hear today. Thank you.

Memory Care - Last Option

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