Sandwich generation - having a baby while caregiving for dementia

machelriller · January 2024

Hi everyone, I have posted a few times here before and this forum has been so helpful. My dad (77, mid stage 5) moved to memory care in September. He has adjusted really well. He doesn't remember home or ask to leave, he is always engaged in activities when I visit, the staff love him, and I think he has made some friends with the other residents. I am so lucky and grateful that my dad is an easy patient with an easygoing and content personality. But I struggle when I visit him. I try to go twice a week, but I always leave feeling depressed. I just miss my old dad and also feel so guilty that he's in memory care even though I know it's the best place for him. I moved him several states away to be closer to me, so we don't have a lot of local family, and I feel very responsible for visiting frequently.

I'm 35, and my wife and I want to have baby (I will be pregnant). We've already been working with a fertility clinic and all we have to do is schedule our first transfer. I'm really excited, and I'm really grateful that my dad will get to meet his grandchild, even if he won't totally understand. My mom passed in 2020, and my in-laws live across the country, so we're going to be doing this without a lot of family support, although we do have an amazing community of friends.

I'm just feeling scared about the weight of all this responsibility. We have a local family friend, and I'm planning to ask her to spend extra time with my dad my first few weeks postpartum, when I won't be able to easily visit. I might also ask our friends and family from my dad's home state to come during this time. Has anyone else experienced this? How can I provide care for my dad while I'm going to be caring for a newborn? How can I be present with my wife and future baby on when I feel so worried and sad for my dad all the time? I want to focus on the excitement and joy of my next stage of life, but I feel so much worry too.

M1 · January 2024

Congratulations on such a big important step in your life.

It's understandable to want to plan ahead, but don't borrow trouble. A lot could happen in the interim that may affect your plans. I'm a primary care and infectious disease doc, and I would also remind you to be careful about visiting when you're pregnant, you'll want to be especially careful about flu and covid exposure and vaccination. Unfortunately memory care facilities are setups for outbreaks because the residents typically don't/can't mask.

I think it's also understandable to be yearning for family support for yourself, and it's perfectly okay to grieve if you don't have it to the degree you would wish. But very little about childbearing and rearing lives up to the Hallmark hype. I hope it all goes well for you and your wife.

SusanB-dil · January 2024

Hi machelriller - I totally second what M1 has posted...

just adding - yes, it is hard to see our LO as not the person they were before. You are basically grieving the dad you used to know. This isn't unusual, but hate you had to join that part of it that none of us signed up for.

As far as not visiting quite so much, depending on the stage, he may not even realize you are not there as much. I know not visiting my mom bothers me more than it bothers her... just a thought. (she also thinks I am her sister, but kind of beside the point here) In any case, your dad is blessed to have you in his life and watching out for him.

machelriller · January 2024

Thank you both for these comments. I think it's probably true that I'm trying to control for a future that is far away, and has too many unknowns!

junglejess · March 22

I am currently in the sandwich gen raising 2 kids and caring for my mother who has dementia. It’s a real squeeze. I agree you will have to put your child first + your own health first. That’s what your dad would want. Someone in my support group told me some really good advice. They said you only really have to think about two things when dealing with a loved one with dementia. The first is their safety and the second is your own mental well-being.

sandwichone123 · March 22

I don't know how much you're currently visiting, or if there are others that also look in. My particular sandwich is an older one, but I see my spouse in memory care once a week for about an hour. I also see my dad, healthy but elderly, once a week. He lives solo and is lonely so I spend 3-4 hours with him. I do recommend making arrangements for someone to visit once a week or so, but it doesn't have to be the same person every time.

Merla · March 25

I have two young kids and my mom is in stage 4 and just went to memory care.

My mom was very independent for all my adult life and wasn’t emotionally close to a lot of people so maybe my perspective is different than yours. I think that if your father is relatively content with his present then this is an amazing blessing. Yes it’s sad and tragic the changes he is experiencing but I do think his life is worth living if he gets up relatively content and participates in his memory care community and values your relationship in his life.

My mom was very good with babies when afflicted with dementia but struggled with older kids. So maybe your dad will take great joy in your baby.

My mom was relatively content when she was living with dementia and lived with her boyfriend. This was a blessing in retrospect because at least she was content despite her affliction.

What works for me is to occasionally feel my sadness and then move on because with children and a demanding job I have no choice and to be there for my mom but not to focus on her changes or her state. My mom probably has a few “good” years left so we all might as well enjoy them. Yes I do get sad at times but I try to focus on the present and it’s a huge blessing our parents are safe and we’re not going through an acute crisis with them.

Sandwich generation - having a baby while caregiving for dementia

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