How to respond when DH does this

GloriaV · May 20

We have been married 33 years. DH has anger attacks. There has been never any talk about leaving. We have been through even his helicopter accident. Saying this there has been some recent anger episodes where it is late at night or early morning, he comes in yelling “If you are so unhappy then leave. Just go! Do you want to stay?” That is repeated over and over. I know this isn’t my husband. However how do I respond??

Bridge4 · May 20

My DW also has anger attacks that seem to come out of the blue. Over our 47 years together she has had anger management issues, but since being diagnosed with ALZ three years ago her mood has darkened substantially. There are conspiracy theories, delusions, rumination about ancient history that never happened, and the daily divorce threat. I have never talked about leaving, but she also frequently says “if you want to leave, then just go”. I have learned through the members here, books, podcasts, etc. not to take it literally. It’s not due to something we’ve done, but sadly is a reflection of the deep pain and insecurity that they feel from this disease. By not engaging directly or trying to argue in your own defense, you will find that you can identify other sources of discomfort (e.g. “Hangry”, dehydration, sleep-deprived) and redirect to dealing with these real issues. Another benefit of a more passive demeanor is that things seem to blow over sooner and they won’t remember a clash later in the day or the next morning. We are struggling with finding and taking medication that would help, but you should discuss with his doctor and hopefully he will cooperate. Good Luck!

harshedbuzz · May 20

We had this with my dad; he'd always had a challenging personality which he could mostly mask pre-dementia. When his emotional regulation and social filter tanked with the onset of dementia, he became agitated and aggressive as a response to anxiety. Sometimes these outbursts were related to delusions which we tricky because it took a while before he'd reveal our imaginary crime to us.

But sometimes, mom was the trigger. It took her some time to settle into the change dementia brought to her previously carefree retirement. While it is pretty typical for the caregiver in these scenarios to be angry at the situation, her anger was focused on him because one of his mixed dementias was related to alcohol use and by the time he was diagnosed, he didn't have the bandwidth to live a sober life. He'd had the upper hand in the marriage and sensing an opening, she unloaded 60 years of pent-up anger.

Emotional intelligence remains well into the disease progression. Dad could not only read her unhappiness, but he also understood that she blamed him for it. He responded with anger.

Two things helped. One was a geri psych to prescribe a cocktail of medication to take the edge off his general edginess and anxiety. He took a higher dose of 2 SSRIs and a small dose of an atypical antipsychotic which relieved symptoms without many side effects aside from somewhat better sleep.
The medication made him more receptive to non-pharmaceutical behavior mods like validation and redirection when he did start to go to the dark side.

The other thing that helped was improving mom's support and getting her compliance around best practices for responding to agitation. I'm not saying you are a trigger, but my mom was. The poor woman had all the responsibility of their household both physical and mental while dad wanted her parked on the sofa with him 24/7 so he could retell whatever random confabulation he was currently cycling through. Once her therapist, support group and I convinced her to smile like she meant it, he calmed down. This strategy didn't work until we got his medication right.

HB

jfkoc · May 20

Response? I think a good response would be to tell him you are sorry that he thinks you are soooo unhappy and that you love and and want to be with him always …followup with a big hug.

Something has caused him to react the way he is. You might night ever know what.

Meanwhile sending a big hug to you…hand on!

ButterflyWings · June 17

I'm getting used to Stage 8 after my DH passed away earlier this year. Detoxing from the long goodbye, and trying to recall the good times as much as possible.

As for your post, I remember the mid-stages and some fierce delusions that would pop up out of nowhere, like someone flipped a light switch. Some were really scary, and so out of character for him. Starting him on Seroquel helped SO much. And definitely being careful about my facial expression, tone of voice, choice of words, etc.

I learned lots of strategies here in this forum. Including limiting the TV, and any other media (or real life) input that could expose him to conflict, drama, scary, or uncomfortable news or movies etc. Too easy for our PWD LOs to confuse that with reality and off we go. Keeping me safe and him calm, took some doing during those Jekyll and Hyde days. I don't ever want to go through anything like that again. It was well worth it to apply all the work-arounds available. Better safe than sorry. Good luck to you.

eaglemom · 1:36PM

GloriaV you ask a good question and have received good advice. I would encourage you to have a discussion with your DH's neurologist about this ongoing problem. There are some medications that can perhaps lessen these issues for the both of you.

eagle

How to respond when DH does this

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