Morally Conflicted about Nursing Home

Hello jstevens33, welcome to the forum. You will get a lot of good information here and although some of it might be blunt it is all from experience and meant to help.

I am sorry to say that there is nothing affordable about this disease. If your grandmother does not already have long term care insurance (which is a special kind of insurance that has nothing to do with Medicare and would cover care in the home as well as in a facility) she will not be able to get coverage after a dementia diagnosis. Care for an Alzheimer's patient is a mix of family care, private pay, and Medicaid. Exactly how much of each is different in each situation. There are medicaid programs (often called PACE) that provide care in the home but it is not 24/7 care and usually requires a family member to live in. Also these programs are not available in all communities. One of the least expensive options is Adult Day Care cobbled together with family covering nights and camera supervision in between, but this will not be viable long term. You can get live in caregivers, but even if you do not go thru an agency it will be expensive. Facilities offer increasing levels of care, starting with Assisted Living, then Memory Care, and then Nursing Home. In the first two you can get semi private rooms, private rooms, or small apartments, with increasing costs. The cheapest you are probably going to find anywhere start at 5K per month and go up to about 15K per month. Another option in many states are what are called family care homes, which is basically shared housing for 5 to 6 people in what looks like a regular home that has 24/7 live in staff.

You are going to have to learn a lot in a short time frame in order to stay ahead of your grandmothers needs. If you go back to the list of "Discussions" you will find an area called "groups" under that look for "New Caregiver Help". It has a lot of useful information.

When your grandmother said do not put her in a nursing home, what her emotion was saying, was do not put me someplace awful and abandon me. You are not going to abandon her, so you are going to keep your promise no matter where she lives.

She gave up a lot to raise you and your cousins so she wouldn't have wanted you to neglect your children in return caring for her.

It's not a moral issue, in my book, to get the best care for her - which will be 24/7 at some point most likely while raising your family. If it gets to that stage you'll still be seeing her , helping with her medical care etc , and hopefully bringing your children to visit for her to see the love she gave you is being passed down .

I think people say to their families and partners : "don't put me in a home "because they are worried they could get old and sick .

If they told their Doctor "I don't want to go in a home " the Dr would probably say " exercise , eat right , etc" and who wants a check list ? So they look to us for reassurance more than a contract , IMO. And you can reassure her you will care for her the best you can .

Adding- doesn't look like this has been recommended yet — the best place to get a complete idea of what benefits and approaches would be financially possible for your grandmother is an elder law attorney — they stay up to date on medicaid , social security issues, inheritance, taxes etc . Getting a consult from one of them so you have the documents you'll need to manage her care in the future [where ever she lives] and advise on options that are personalized is priceless. Laws & taxes change so getting an experts opinion is valuable — it's not a DIY as most errors we could make can't be reversed .

A source of names is

If an atty on the list is not near you - look for an attorney who specializes in elder law— not just one who can draft a will or trust — it's a complicated ever changing field.