Moved husband to memory care and he just wants me

Shorething · July 18

I brought my husband, who is in stage 6, to a memory care facility yesterday and today the director called me. I wasn't really surprised because my main concern was how dependent he is on me and how much he loves being home. Today, there was a woman who looked like me visiting another resident and he thought she was me and that I ignored him. He couldn't settle so the director called so he could speak with me. I confirmed that I was not there, but he wanted me to pick him up and to come home . When I left him yesterday afternoon I told him I was going to a retreat and would see him soon. He asked, how soon, two days? So I said yes. So today, early afternoon, he said I had been gone for so long and he wanted to come home. I said I would see him soon but not today, that I was still at the retreat. It took a long time to calm him down.

Any advice? I don't plan to go for another two days and I will check in with the director before I go. In the meantime I have a fitness trainer visiting him for a session and one of his friends will drop by. Thanks for any help!

terei · July 18

You may want to tell the staff to tell him you are at a retreat and there are no phones, repeat, repeat, repeat. He needs to get involved at the facility + that may take some weeks of no or minimal contact. If you do visit, have excuses ready. That may mean telling him you have to have a ‘procedure’ yourself or some other excuse…just use one that prevents you from picking him up.

harshedbuzz · July 18

@Shorething

It would be better if the narrative took the decision for him to come home out of your hands. We told dad he was in rehab on his doctor's orders which meant we couldn't take him home as it was up to someone else. This also allowed us to validate his feelings by saying we wished he could come home, too.

HB

Shorething · July 18

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/248431#Comment_248431

Thank you so much. This is really helpful. I appreciate you responding.

l7pla1w2 · July 18

It's possible the desire to go home may never completely disappear. DW has been in MC for 3 months now, and she says she wants to go home every time I visit. She also frequently collects her things on her bed, preparing to leave. That behavior is gradually fading.

Painful as it is, prepare to stick with it, have a story, enlist the staff to reinforce the story.

Shorething · July 18

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/248432#Comment_248432

Thanks so much for taking the taking the time to respond. I can try something like this. Very helpful.

Shorething · July 19

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/248439#Comment_248439

That must be so hard. It is good to know to expect that. Thank you for sharing your experience. This is one hard road.

tucson anne · July 19

I really appreciate 17plaw2's comments about his wife's placement as I struggle with that decision. Today in some kind of apocalyptic revelation I realize that I hate everything about caregiving and I'm not good at it. So I know from the posts that the placement when it happens won't be easy, but realizing that cutting toenails, helping bath and dress, fastening the seat belt, and on and on are just not what I'm good at will help at placement time.

SDianeL · July 20

it takes weeks sometimes for them to settle in. Many with dementia who live at home say they want to go home due to their anxiety. Home is not a place it’s a feeling. He may never stop wanting to go home. Make up fibs and keep repeating them. When you do visit, visit at mealtime for distraction for him. When you leave don’t say goodbye, just quietly leave and let the nurse know you’re leaving so they can distract him. What HB said about blaming the doctor usually works. Or try there is no AC at home or the roof is being repaired and he can’t come home yet.

Cate2024 · July 22

I think of placement in Memory Care all the time, and how my DH will react. He is Stage 6 and mostly is cognitive age 4. He believes his wife left him last year and I've been hired to be his caregiver. I am still "his person". He's very physically fit so no mobility issues, but I need to watch him as I would a toddler. I have to be careful not to treat him like he's 4, because as my therapist says, he is 4 with 72 years experience. Does he still have quality of life at home? Definitely yes. He loves our 2 dogs, which we walk together. I bought him a cordless mower, which he loves doing. I recently got him a Tetris Tumble which he loves to play with. Great appetite. Blue Blood reruns. But I'm not holding up nearly as well. I fear the decision for him to go to MC will be my inability to cope any longer with tantrums of a toddler. And I already feel the guilt of that future decision.

Shorething · July 23

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/248498#Comment_248498

Thanks so much for your perspective and advice. I haven't visited yet though a friend has and says he likes it there. Your fiblets are great examples for me to follow.

l7pla1w2 · July 23

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/248637#Comment_248637

I think the guilt will fade once you come to terms with the fact that your DH will be safe and attended by people who know how to work with PWD. So it will be a better situation for him and for you. What you will almost certainly feel is sad, sad for what you've lost, sad about your DH's condition.

lenbury · July 24

The concept of 'home' is very abstract for my wife. Even though I am caring for her at home she often says that she wants to go home. When I ask her where 'home' is she changes the subject -- just another strange manifest of the disease.

weareallunique · July 24

Home can be the feeling it gives - safe - that their brain's decay keeps them from feeling. Also, their minds can be back where they lived as a young adult, child…. One of my PWDs thinks "home" is their childhood city and that I live there - I've never visited , indeed was born after they moved from there . Kind of a Billy Joel song ….New York State of Mind ….

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wlTOo5aVUxs&ab_channel=BillyJoel-Topic

℗ 1976 Columbia Records, a division of Sony Music Entertainment

"It comes down to reality
And it's fine with me 'cause I've let it slide
Don't care if it's Chinatown or on Riverside
I don't have any reasons
I've left them all behind
I'm in a New York state of mind"

Moved husband to memory care and he just wants me

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