Trusting the "Experts"

KerryMiller · August 11

This is my first time posting on this website. I am almost 60 years old and my 90 year old mother was recently diagnosed with dementia. She and my father live in an RCAC 2 hours away from where my sister and I live. In the past few months my mom's memory has declined and has required more care. She and my dad have been married and have lived together for 66 years and now the RCAC director is telling us that my mom is going to need to move to their assisted living facility because she is at 38 hours of care; which is more than they are able to provide. My mom is still very aware of what's around her; she does occasionally need help getting dressed and she has been incontinent for quite some time. They are really pushing us to move her to a room in the next building. My sister and I fight constantly about this because I'm afraid this is going to 'destroy' my mom but they (being the director and staff at the RCAC) say my dad needs a break. I know it is inevitable but it seems so cruel to just up and move her without her consent. I became her medical power of attorney 3 months ago because of her decline. Anyone have any insight in how to deal with this?

JulietteBee · August 11

I am so sorry to hear of the awful dilemma that you face.

However, as an outsider looking on, I would say you already know what to do. You already said that you know such a move is inevitable.

While you do not want to "separate" your parents because of this issue, to be blunt, the other issue will be to separate them due to death.

Caregiver burnout or compassion fatigue are real. Caring for your mom 24/7 could cause your dad a premature death. I know you would not want that

If dad is still capable of making informed decisions, invite him to tour various facilities with you. Give him a say in what happens to his beloved wife of 66 years.

In finding a facility for her, be sure it is close enough for dad to go visit as often as he wants.💔

SDianeL · August 11

the safety and care of your Mom is important. Your Dad can no longer provide 24/7 care for her. I would not move her to assisted living unless they can meet her needs long term. Memory care is the best facility for dementia because the facility is locked so they can’t wander. So sorry you are going through this. Hugs. 💜

H1235 · August 11

Welcome. She needs to move to Al! My brother fought me on this. He insisted she had rights. Even during the move he insisted she should be the one making the decision about what to bring that she was not capable of making. He caused her so much anxiety. He also stressed me to the point that it was hard to function. Don’t do this to your mom or your sister. Accept reality! It sucks! My mom was so mad about the move, but eventually made friends and did well at Al.

H1235 · August 11

I’m sorry maybe that was too harsh. My brother has put me through so much. This just hit a bit close to home.

ARIL · August 11

I am sorry you are facing this change in everyone’s life. Although I do not have any sibling experience, I do have experience with a married couple who needed different kinds of care and are now living in different places. (And I know about family accusations.) So I know how tough this is.

You realize a move is “inevitable.” With respect, unless you and your sister are with them 24/7, you don’t know how difficult their lives are, and you have to trust others. They can both live in the same facility in different places; you can find placements in a different facility; you can sort out another solution. You do have options.

A move will not “destroy” your mother. The disease is the destructive force here. Remember that many elderly couples live apart at some point. This is not at all uncommon. People do adapt to it. Your father’s well-being needs attention.

harshedbuzz · August 11

@KerryMiller

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here, but pleased you found this place.

The move to a higher level of care is something dementia is doing to your mother, not the facility's director or POA. You aren't doing this to her, but for her.

At the end of the day, dementia is going to take your mother. Dementia always wins. But you don't necessarily need to lose your dad to dementia as well. One third of caregivers die before their PWD— you have the opportunity to improve your dad's odds of being in the 2/3 that doesn't.

HB

Quilting brings calm · August 11

Accept the facilities recommendation before they tell you that it’s either that or she hired home with you. They are not allowed to keep someone who needs more care than they can provide.
Move your mom. There is no reason why your dad cannot visit her daily in her new room as long as he can get there. At some point, he can request to move into her room or to a room close to her. Although that may cost more than remaining where he is.
As said above, you do not want your dad exhausted, frustrated, ignoring his own health taking care of your mom when he can’t.

Aprill · August 22

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You are not doing the heavy lifting. Your poor elderly father is. You remind me of sister who is delusional about where my mother is in her dementia journey. Give your father the assistance he needs. Stop being selfish and listen to the professionals.

Trusting the "Experts"

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