We can't persuade her to take a shower anymore.

SarahTee · October 20

Hello,

My 85-year-old mother-in-law with Alzheimer's lives with me and my husband. He works full-time and I am at home due to disability.

We used to be able to remind her to take a shower every few days and she would grumble a little and do it. Then she started resisting more strongly.

We tried asking her if there was something wrong with the shower. She said it was cold, so we got her a space heater and a luxurious robe. She said she was afraid of drowning, so we changed the showerhead and she said she didn't care. She said she might fall, so we offered to put a chair in there and she told us she didn't need it. (There is already a built-in bench).

All of the complaints about the shower turned out to be excuses. She didn't respond to any of our efforts to make the shower more pleasant. She kept saying she would do it when she was ready, but she never did.

Her complaint now is that we want her to shower every day. That's not true. We only tell her to shower once a week, but she doesn't remember how many days it's been. She has become suspicious of both of us, especially me. I can't even talk to her about it anymore because she gets angry and lashes out immediately.

We hired a caregiver service, thinking she might respond better to an outsider. That worked a few times, but soon she refused to take a shower when they suggested it. They tried offering an incentive, like promising to do her nails after the shower. She didn't go for it. They tried using a calendar to show her how long it had been since her last shower. She didn't believe them.

Until recently my husband has been able to get her to do it by insisting. If he uses a stern voice and tells her she has to do it today she will sometimes do it after arguing for a while. But now even that is less effective than before.

We are reaching the end of our ability to persuade her to shower. She just does not believe anyone, including my husband, that she needs to do it.

What else can we try?

TL;DR We have tried making the shower more pleasant, having professional caregivers tell her to shower, offering incentives, showing her how many days it's been, and insisting in a stern voice. Nothing will persuade her to shower anymore. What can we do?

MissOldMom · October 20

hello. I haven’t had this happen yet with my mom who lives with us, but she’s definitely starting to do similar things your mom did (grumble about having to take one, but takes one’s every other day when she used to take one daily). One thing I saw on here at one point is some sort of shower wipes that can at least help with keeping somewhat clean. It can be made into a nice moment between parent and child that way (“mom, let me use this lotioning wipe to help your skin feel less dry” or whatever fiblet sounds like she’ll accept it). I’m willing to try that in the future if it gets to that point. One thing that IS helpful is Mom really doesn’t do much of anything to get dirty or sweaty. But when she has a diaper issue (and she does….she wears only depends now), then the smell is very apparent. At that point it might be even more of an issue due to waste drying on the skin etc. but for now, if she’ll be open to it, shower wipes might be better than nothing. I hope you find something that works well and has the least resistance from her of course. Best to you.

SarahTee · October 20

Thank you for this suggestion and for your good wishes.

ronda b · October 21

This is very common with alz. . They have a fear of water. There are disposable wash cloths that have have soap on them ,all you do is add water, they don't even have to be rinsed off. They work really well. That way she can wash and not get in the shower.

SDianeL · October 21

read the book “The 36 Hour Day” it helped me after my husbands diagnosis. There are many reasons a person with dementia don’t want to shower. They don’t remember when they last showered, they get cold, the water actually hurts their skin, they are afraid they will fall, they forget how to shower (the steps). I got my husband to shower twice a week by telling him that Wednesday & Sunday were our shower days and I made a calendar. On the day I would get his shower all ready and turn on the water. We had a shower chair and hand held wand. I made sure the water was warm but not hot and that the stream was not too strong. He used body wash. I got his washcloth and towel ready. I did this right after breakfast when he was usually in a good mood. I would announce that today was Wednesday and our shower day and his shower was ready. If he balked I would tell him he could shower tomorrow. No arguing. Usually he would get up and go take his shower. I would get his dirty clothes and put them in the laundry so he wouldn’t try to put them back on. I laid out his clean clothes on the bed face down to make getting dressed easier for him. It sounds like you have tried most of these things but you could try again. Sometimes they surprise you. Some have used treats like ice cream or even going out to get an ice cream after a shower. Ice cream usually worked for my husband. Another thing is asking her doctor for anti anxiety medication to get her to be more compliant.

psg712 · October 21

My mom is scared of the shower. When i tried to help her shower in AL, she was totally confused about why I'd ask her to sit naked on a bench, and then pour water over her! I put shampoo in her hand and tried to coach her to wash her hair. No comprehension.

When she moved to MC, the aides there had some success … for a few months. She now adamantly refuses to go into the shower room. They are able to help her wash with the bath wipes, which keep her clean and fresh. I bring in no-rinse shampoo caps that you can warm for a few seconds in the microwave and then apply to the hair and scalp. She dislikes these too but I can usually trick her into them for a five- minute shampoo. Not as good as a real shampoo with running water, but it keeps her hair from looking and smelling dirty.