DH is fighting his care every step of the way
I am not sure I can keep caring for my DH. He is in his late 70's with vascular dementia and Alzheimer's. He is in a later stage.
He is always combative when it comes to his care. Recently he has needed disposable briefs. Actually I guess I needed them as I could not keep up with the cleaning and laundry when he was urinating on himself and on the floor.
He has gotten to a stage where he refuses to let me help him dress but he has forgotten how to dress. He yells, screams swears and calls me names. Yesterday he threatened to push me out the window. I resisted the urge to tell him that it would be his last day living in our home if he gets violent. It would have made him angrier.
Getting him to take his prescriptions is challenging. He fights me on it twice a day. He seems to be paranoid.
When he does cooperate it is minimal. It takes every once of strength that I have to wrestle him into clean briefs, pants and slippers.
How can I get him to cooperate? Does anyone have tips and tricks? He always seems happy after I get him dry and in clean clothes.
Comments
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It sounds like he needs to be medicated. Do you have a primary care doctor to consult?
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Yes. He has a primary care doctor.
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I went through this as well with my DH, especially as urinary incontinence started. His PCP prescribed Zoloft and low dose Risperidone. It maybe helped a little. Many times I would try to do what I needed to do and I could tell when I just pushed too hard. Sometimes I just backed off for a while and tried later and that worked. Of course, that might mean he was walking around without any pants on or with wet depends, etc. so I had to keep the special lock on the front door to prevent him from going outside. It was difficult when I had his companion coming at a specific time so I had to make sure he was cleaned and dressed by then. If I had no plans I had to tell myself not to get stressed about it, because I could tell it affected him. With all that said, you gotta do what you gotta do sometimes, whether they like it or not. And as you said, the forget about it right after! It’s difficult to deal with. He’s in MC now since he was getting physical with me so they deal with all that now. I hope you can find a way to get through this.
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Another comment regarding the prescriptions. I used to hide them in his food and that worked for me. Others have mentioned crushing and adding to pudding or chocolate milk or some other thing he likes but you have to check to see if it’s ok to crush the particular meds he’s taking.
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I do hide most of his drugs in pudding or applesauce. However he has one that can not be crushed, broken or chewed. So far there isn't any substitute for it either. I am fortunate that he only needs one a day.
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I think a big part of it has to do with being embarrassed about the incontinence. Usually waiting a bit does help. He will say no to something and if I try again 10 minutes later he says yes. I want to put him in memory care and am saving up as each month will cost around 10K.
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Well…I can’t say I’ve been super successful in the combative moments except for a couple of things. 1. I give up for even 30 seconds, come back with a super sweet tone of voice like this is the first time I’ve tried. That often works
2. When I whisper to my DW, she stops and pays attention and it turns down the battle heat. Singing the directions sometimes works too.
Good luck!
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I went through this morning, day and night…WWIII. I had no solutions. Threats went into deaf ears, or worse, returned with more violent behavior. Soft sweet talks worked and then didn't. It was time for MCF for both our sakes. Unless you can work with his doctor to find a medication that helps calm him, this will continue until an unknown future date. Maybe hire an in-house caregiver to help out in the interim.
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You might want to explain to his doctor what is happening and see if there is medication (or and increase in medication) that might help with his anxiety. If there is even the slightest chance of a move to memory care or a nursing home I would start looking. There can be a waiting list. If you find a place you like you might want to put him on the waiting list. Generally if there is an opening and you’re not ready you can turn it down and remain on the list. In my opinion it’s best to have that option available. You never know what dementia is going to throw at you next.
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he does need medication to calm him. For your safety. He could hurt you. My husband also became aggressive when he became incontinent. He kicked a caregiver at the memory care facility. They had to increase his medications to keep him from hurting someone. Don’t wait.
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I could hurt me, but it is unlikely. He is slow and not very strong. I will call his doctor about medication. I am also considering having him evaluated for hospice. I don't want to make the same mistake that I made with my mother and wait too long.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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