I'm new here, my first post - how can I best help my mom?

Saurus · August 6

My mother is 77 years old, living independently, and diagnosed with dementia/mild cognitive impairment, along with anxiety and depression. My father passed 3 years ago, after they were married 50 years. This was followed by the passing of my brother (my mom's youngest son) at 32 just last August. She has lived in the same home for 47 years. While she is able to function day-to-day, she is no longer thriving or enjoying a quality of life she deserves. She has always been a "homebody", but now the lack of socialization is affecting her memory more and more.

I am a full-time student (online college), raising 2 young kids, and live within 10 minutes of my mom. My older brother is 3+ hours away, and often too busy to call our mother (or even me) to see how things are going. I am her main/only point of contact for any and all issues: appointments, forgetting banking/online passwords, lost items, etc. It's a hard balance: I need to focus on my family and my studies; but if I don't respond to my mother when she reaches out, she often gets agitated/forgets what she needed in the first place.

I have researched independent/assisted living and memory care facilities, and found a wonderful one nearby. I took her there "on a whim," and she loved it. But within an hour, she had many hesitations of how her life would change, lose her independence, and worst of all, have to move out of the home we all grew up in.

After that long history, my main question or request for help is this: how can I clearly explain to my mom that she is not taking as good care of herself as she thinks? How can I tell her she needs to allow me to take over more things (bill paying, driving, etc.), or agree to have a home-health aid come in, and that she will need to move to Assisted Living sooner than she realizes? We've had these discussions before, but as soon as she pours a cup of coffee, the conversation is forgotten and I'm back at square-one.

Thank you for any input, and I'm glad (and also sad) to have found a group in the same situation I have now found myself in.

terei · August 6

You dont ‘explain’. You arrange with the facility to have her admitted and start the process. She may do ok at assisted living but look at it as a stepping stone to memory care. Your mother does not have to be consulted. Make the arrangements with help from you family. On the day of the move, tell her that her doctor said she needs to go here til she is ‘better’ or invent some problem with her house that needs repair(broken pipe?) and she needs to stay there while the repairs are done. There are MANY posts here describing how people placed their LOs and it is almost never with their agreement.

If you dont have DPOA, see an attorney now and get it set up along with any other legal issues that should be done. Have her mail forwarded to you and get on her bank accounts and take control of everything. If you get everything in mail before she sees it, that is best. Tell her you have put everything on automatic payments. If you have to, the computer she is using should be ‘broken’ and removed to have it ‘fixed’.

When you realize that you are not going to be able to ‘convince’ her of anything you are on the road to managing the situation. She is no longer giving you helpful input on how her life is going to proceed going forward. Good luck

jen ht · August 6

Hi @Saurus Welcome. I'm glad you found your way here, but sorry for the reason for being here.

terei has given you great advice.

Also read and read here and do searches for other posts with the types of info according to your needs.

I had to read messages like terei's over and over and over to convince myself of what my Dad needed and that I was the one that had to step up and take action.

Learning about anosognosia also helped me.

Anosognosia is a condition in which a person with a disability is cognitively unaware of having it due to an underlying physical condition. Anosognosia results from physiological damage to brain structures

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wd-8cm2vBVc

around 3 minutes - worth a watch

Wishing you well. Take care.

Jen

April23 · August 6

Hi and welcome. You’ve been given great advice above.

Do you have DPOA? That needs to be step one. Also she should not be driving or paying bills. I have heard many stories in my in-person group of PWD causing near financial ruin. No matter how stable her day to day function appears, it is probably worse than you realize.

Forget reasoning and explanations. She does not have that ability anymore. She will never think anything is wrong with her and trying to explain this will likely cause anger. Blame it on the doctor and/or use fiblets as explained above.

It’s very hard. It’s heartbreaking. We think if our parents could only understand, we could do this together and it would be so much easier. Unfortunately, that very rarely happens. But remember that her safety is what is most important and you are only doing what is necessary to protect her.

lilacgirl · August 6

I was in this position with my mom this past winter, after my dad passed away. It was very difficult. Like you, though, when I took her through an assisted living facility near me, she did like it at first. It took another couple of months of her struggling on her own for her to be willing to take the leap, but we are SO LUCKY because she did make the choice without us having to force her. She has been there for four months, and sometimes she still talks about going home. That's never going to happen, but we don't argue with her when she says that. We are selling her house now, closing in September. She does not know that yet. Hoping we can get by without telling her, but I don't know if that will be possible; she's still in touch with a lot of people near her old home.

Anyway— this forum has been the most amazing resource for me. All things considered, we are in a pretty good place today, and I don't think that would have happened if I hadn't found a lot of great advice and insight here!

Saurus · August 6

Thank you all for your insight and advise. I think I am at that stage - I need to convince myself that this needs to be done, and to take action. Even as an adult, I'm still her child and it's heartbreaking that she can no longer understand what's going on, and how things have progressed. Sadly, I'm sure you all understand this.

I do have Medical/Durable POA, and have added her Living Trust as beneficiary to all assets. We barely got that taken care of earlier this year, with much protesting from her.

My MIL passed last year after 5 years of Alzheimer's. However, my FIL was able to care for her at home on his own. I wished the same thing for my mother, but not everyone is lucky enough to be cared for in their home until the end.

I will look through other posts for guidance and strength, and appreciate all of your quick and thoughtful responses. This is the first time I really don't feel underwater or alone in this.

H1235 · August 6

Welcome. You have been given great advice. Try not to feel guilty. I would guess once you get her moved you will find things in the house that are shocking or even alarming and show just how badly she needed the move. I would caution you against independent living. If she has been diagnosed she need Al at the minimum. When mom was diagnosed we were told right up front she was no longer safe to live alone. She was stage 4 when diagnosed. It’s too bad more doctors don’t step in to help families feel less guilty about these difficult decisions. As a general rule trying to reason with her is probably not going to be productive. Don’t be afraid to use a therapeutic fib if it give her some comfort. I will attach a few links that may be helpful. You can also use the search on this site to find threads that may be helpful. They will be old, but still loaded with good advice.

Anosognosia and Dementia - AgingCare.com.pdf

understanding-the-dementia-experience.pdf

DBAT.pdf

https://iona.org/therapeutic-fibs-ok/

Saurus · August 6

Thank you for that information. I had not heard of Anosognosia before coming to this site. It's helpful to know that may be part of the issue, not that my mother is stubborn but unable to understand the reality.

If I'm being realistic, I agree that AL is where we're at, at this point. The facility I found offers IL, AL and MC all in the same location. Thank you for the information, and your input.

I'm new here, my first post - how can I best help my mom?

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